Some Musings

It's that time of year for me again. I tend to start musing about my life and all I've survived. It begins about halloween and I believe it's because I am thinking about my ancestors that have died.

Anywho....I wonder if anything in my life had been different, if I hadn't had to go through every form of abuse there is, would I be who I am now? I'd say a big no! I am who I am today because of my life. We're all shaped by our experiences, good and bad. I also wouldn't go back and change a thing either. Why mess with who I am? I've had my moments, but undoing even one experience changes everything that comes after. I've survived rape,physical,mental,emotional and sexual abuse. It sure caused me many problems. I've overcome post traumatic stress disorder, being bipolar and being a cutter. I had serious trust issues, but who wouldn't?! LOL Anything traumatic causes there to be trust issues as well as ptsd. Most people when I mention being a cutter are like...what?! Why? Sometimes it's ... what's that involve exactly? LOL It's pretty simple at the heart of it. A cutter will purposely cut themselves to feel and to "vent" all the turmoil inside them. We consider it a "safe" thing to do because we're not going to slip or cut too deep accidentally. Contrary to popular belief cutters aren't suicidal.

I know being baptized in the fires of hell shaped my outlook on life, made me a strong person, shaped my sense of humor and made me determined to make sure my kids had a better life than I did. By that I don't mean material goods, but a better life emotionally. My kids would NEVER be put down by me or feel unloved in any way, ever. I did a good job I think. My kids talk to me about everything and I do mean everything! My oldest daughter talks to me about her sex life for pete sake! LMAO They know without a doubt I love them. I told them everyday, a billion times a day. Even now I never say good bye without telling them I love them. They've never felt or been ignored either.

I feel good that I've reached out to others to help them. To abuse survivors, I showed them there is a life after abuse. A life full of love and laughter and yes...trust. Life after doesn't have to mean pain and tears. I gave them hope, the greatest gift of all. With rsd, I try to do the same. I tell others how I cope and live. I make them laugh because it really is the best medicine. Most of all I listen and try to help them if I can.

Life is so precious and there's never a moment in time that should be wasted. Be thankful for everything you have. Be proud of yourself, above all, love yourself.