So......

Thought I'd drop by and let everyone know I'm ok. I've been bad about not coming and writing everyday. I seem to revert back to my old, bad habits a lot. I keep telling myself I won't do something and I do it anyway.

It's always been my way to keep everything bottled up inside. I learned early in life not to bother saying a word about how I feel or "bugging" anyone. No one listened anyway. *shrugs* Not complaining, just stating a fact. It's the reason I became a cutter. Because of life and all that gobbledy gook, when I got rsd I "sucked it up" when others were around, plastered on a smile and went on with it. I became involved with several boards on the net as well. I joined, not only to learn about rsd and all the crap that comes with it, but also to "talk" with other people who would know exactly how much I hurt and the things I feel. I thought I'd be able to vent, moan, whine, complain, etc. Well.....I haven't been able to bring myself to do any of that on a regular basis. In almost 6 years I can count on one hand the number of times I've just "lost it" on one of the boards. The other 99% of my time consists of answering questions, researching rsd further all the time, researching things I don't know about or know very little about. I make suggestions and most of all I make people laugh. It's what I'm good at. I try to give others hope that life after rsd doesn't have to be a horrible, miserable exsistence with no joy or laughter.

I have my bad times just like everyone else does. When I do have them, I tend to withdraw from everyone. I know it's because during my bad times I don't feel very cheerful, I don't feel like talking much and I tend to bounce hither and yon doing all sorts of little projects, researching and reading to keep my mind as busy as possible. When I talk to others, even if it's on the phone, I always feel like I have to put on that smile and be all cheerful, act like nothing is wrong or give away how much pain I'm in. What can I say....it really is a habit. I suppose I don't want to be seen by anyone as whining and complaining all the time, unable to talk about anything but myself and my problems. That's rather irrational thinking though because I know it's not true. I may not ever be able to break this habit, but it's sure not going to stop me from keeping on trying to break it!

Ok....guess I'll run for now. Love you all!! xoxoxoxoxoxo