RSD Hell Night

Tonight, every damn night lately, seems like a bad night. So much pain. Becoming overwhelmed and overloaded dealing with it so much. Ups and downs I can handle, but every night, the sun starts to sink below the horizon and the pain begins to rise.

Tonight RSD decided it wants to kill my insides. Feels like bolts of lightning and balls of fire are ping-ponging around the one part of my body it shouldn't be, my uterus. I can deal with pain anywhere else, but not there. First time in awhile it's been this intense, this bad there.

Scares me to death to feel it. I pray to every Goddess and God I know, call to the ones whose names I don't, asking them please, don't let it go there. I can't handle that, don't want this shit to be on the move again. It's been "stable" for quite a few years now and I hoped maybe it would just stay that way. Tonight could be a one off and I won't feel pain there like this for months to come, but right this minute, it's consuming me. Like the flames that greedily lick at dry leaves and trees in the forest.

I feel like there's nothing left of me to take, but that's not true. There's plenty...inside. The thought of internal always lurks in the back of my mind. How can it not in all of our minds knowing it can easily slide in there like a knife between the ribs. What an appropos comparison. I lay here typing this, legs pulled up tight, tears streaming down my cheeks wondering when it will end. I want to sleep, escape it all but can't because it hurts so bad.

I pray for exhaustion to take over, help me escape into my dreams where I never feel any pain. The one place I can run, jump,twirl till I'm dizzy without consequences. A dream that I'll never live again. Yes, it saddens me, but doesn't devastate me. Life with RSD is what it is. Doesn't mean I can't hate the hell out of it on the worst nights, like tonight. I just want it to stop.

A cold front is coming through as well and that is kicking things into high gear. I don't want peace of mind, that part of me fled long ago. I just want a few days of peace, a break from the pain. I've gone through so much and just can't take this on top of it all.