Thinking Back

I find my mind wandering back to yesteryear at times. Sometimes I feel so old. Usually on my bad pain days when I look like a 90 year old woman as I hobble across the floor. When I think about how old my kids are.....*sigh* I suffer a pang and say, "I can't have kids that old!" Alas I do! Ages, 21(next month,son), 19(daughter), 18(son), 15(daughter). Oldest is married and number 2 child is making me a grandma! Where did the years go? I run the movie projector in my head of the day each was born. The time and circumstances. I see them as they grow, they pudgy little wee ones they used to be.

With these thoughts come others not so happy. Those are of the ex neanderthal. When I still lived at home, he was so nice. He never raised his voice or a hand to me in the months leading up to my 18th birthday. My dad made it perfectly clear he hated him, which only made me want to be with him more. Dad did the best he could to keep us apart, but how much can you really do when said man lives across the street? Trouble began within a couple of weeks after I turned 18 and moved in with him. At first it was little put downs. Small, seemingly off-hand comments about how stupid I was, things were my fault.

The biggest change came in the form of how I dressed. I have been, and always will be, a tomboy. I remember as a young girl praying I would wake up a boy. My "outfit" is what I'm comfortable in, jeans and t-shirts. I admit, like other young women of my time, the jeans were very snug. My shirts weren't slutty low or showing my belly, but they, well....they just fit nice. He all of a sudden didn't like it. I'm still not sure how it happened. One day I'm wearing what I like, the next I'm only "allowed" to wear baggy jeans and shirts. Anything which was even remotely snug disappeared.

I was never a "girl" in the sense of doing my hair, nails and wearing makeup. Occasionally I did, but not often. In high school my friends were shocked if I came to school wearing a skirt and makeup. Never a dress though. There are reasons why I never wore dresses and hated skirts but could tolerate it. That is a story for another time. Anyway, I was banned from ever doing my hair or wearing any sort of makeup. If I made my hair a little nice I was accused of things I wouldn't do. Yes, the cheating thing. I was being accused of sleeping with every man that walked by, literally. It was a wonder I had time to even breathe with all the men I was sleeping with! *snort* It never crossed my mind to go sleep with someone else. I know some people would think, well if I'm going to be accused of doing something, then I may as well be guilty of it for real. I was never alone long enough to cheat on him anyway.

Part II coming tomorrow.