Cycle of Life

On Sunday morning, about 4 am, my Aunt Janice died. For 2 days I've been thinking on what to write other than just stating she's dead. A pebble dropped into a calm pond sends ripples outward on the water. Every life that is born does this very thing. Some we notice, others noone has ever heard of except for family and friends. My Aunt was part of the latter group. She wasn't a big movie star or ceo of some company. She didn't show up on the news. It was just people who knew her that even know she once existed.

For us, she was a force of life and energy. She had 3 boys, celebrated 46 years of marriage last month and was deeply religious and a young 64. We almost shared the same birthday. I was born on the 8th of Sept and she had been born on the 9th. She hadn't always been but I remember by my mid teens she was active in her local church. From there it became such an ingrained part of her life. It seemed almost every day she was there doing one thing or another. She always made time for not only her boys, but for me as well. My sister and I had no mother, so my grandma, Aunt Judy and Aunt Janice became mothers for us. When I was around her or at her house, I was just one of her children. I have to say it felt good to know I was so loved. She loved me enough to care what I did. The biggest impact was in how she let you know she didn't like something. When I was around 11 or so, it was sign language. It was a requirement to learn. The reason is because she taught deaf children at a local school. I never knew sign language could be so loud! I think it's more effective than a raised voice any day.

She never raised her voice either. I learned from her that talking in a normal tone, even when upset, is more upsetting that screaming and yelling. Her goal was not to make you feel bad but to make you think about what you had done. The outcome was the same, you did feel bad. The feeling stemmed from the fact you knew you had let her down and disappointed her.

She was so compassionate. It didn't matter who you were or where you came from. When she entered your life you never forgot her. She had an energy that radiated from her, a warmth that pulled you in for a snuggle, you felt the loved and special. That was how she saw everyone. We were all special and talented in some way. You really wanted to find what you were good at so you could show her and bask in her praise.

We shared something noone else in the family did. When I was dx at 24-25 as being bipolar, I found out she was too. We both shared the struggles of rapid cycling. Our type of bipolar was "mild". We had highs and lows but not like would come to mind. I know most people have an image of a bipolar person as being somewhat like the Tasmanian devil on minute and some tragic gothic novel type person deep in despair the next. LOL Some out there do come close or spot on. We had the Tasmanian thing going at times but out lows were more being "normal" and realistic. I got RSD in 2003 (yes I know that rhymes lol) and around then or within a year I think, she had Fibro. We both knew the struggles of being in constant pain but still live life. I'm sure she had miserable days but like me, put on a smile and kept going.

She developed some serious lung issues and other health problems in the last year or two. This is what got her in the end. Her body was overwhelmed with problems and couldn't keep up. Only death ends a life force like hers. Hospice came into her life about 2 months ago. They kept her comfortable, well as much as they can to keep the pain at bay.

I won't forget her. I will hold so many years of memories close to me like one of my grandma's quilts. I'll also try to get those memories onto paper so they won't be forgotten or misremembered. As much as I'm able, I want my grandchildren to have those stories as part of our family tree so that she's more than just a name and a couple of dates. I'm doing the same for grandpa, grandma, my dad, his brothers, my cousins. The family back in Kentucky too. Those who I know and love who have been in my life. I look forward to being a part of her life again one day. Maybe next time she'll be my best friend or my mom. I love her deeply, she will be missed. My world is a little bit dimmer without her in it.