Over the next five years I systematically had my self-esteem stripped away until there was nothing left. I had no friends. He had completely isolated me from everyone. I didn't have any support and nowhere to turn. The day I turned 18 and moved out, my father disowned me. After I had Flower, I even reached out to my grandma and was turned away. The one person who had been like a mother to me all my life would not help me get out of that situation. I was physically abused just about everyday. I realized slowly he was an alcoholic as well. The more he drank, the meaner he got. Isn't that the way it always is with alcoholics? He was and still is a controlling bastard. He's also still an alcoholic.
In 1992 I left him late one night. I had prepared my escape plan well. Except, as with most things, my plans didn't go off without a hitch. That particular night I was at a friend's house with my youngest 2 kids. (the tale of my oldest son is another long story). It was a good thing I wasn't at home. He had gone to work overseas. He wasn't supposed to come back home for a few months yet. He told me many months later the reason he came home was because he had a feeling something wasn't right. I was over at the friend's house when two people came to a screeching halt outside the house. They were friends of mine and I had planned their part in my escape. The Great Escape wasn't for another few days or a week. I can't remember exactly.
They come running in shaking and upset. They told me that HE was back! I could only think OMG! What am I going to do? They told me he went straight to the apartment he and I lived in and kicked the door in. They jumped in the car and came to get me. They also wanted to get out of there because my ex would have headed straight for their door. I had no clothes for any of us, a handful of diapers and my purse. I had to jump in the car and leave right then. I had no choice and staying would have possibly meant my death.
It took a long time to build myself back up again. Like many women who have been abused, I had my share of "issues" to overcome. It was tough because this abusive relationship wasn't the only thing in my life to give me "issues." I like to think because of all I have lived through I am a better person today for having survived.
The one event that helped the most was meeting my hubby Gil. Without him I'm pretty sure I'd be dead. When I met him, I was skipping merrily down the path to self-destruction. I didn't care about a lot of things back then. The one person I cared about least was myself. He put up with a lot from me. I was so used to men using me for a punching bag that I did not and could not believe him when he said he would never raise a hand to me. I pushed Gil hard trying to make him hit me but he never would. It took time, but it eventually sunk in he really wasn't going to smack me around.
I found happiness and love unexpectedly. I never thought I'd be happy. I never thought anyone would love me for me. I thought I had to be who and what the other person wanted me to be. I expected to be rejected by Gil as I had so many times before when I talked about the stuff that happened to me. Thankfully none of it happened. We have been married for 15 years, together for 16 years and counting. He is my rock, my other half. No matter the abuse anyone suffers, you can be happy one day. Never give up! There is life after abuse.
Showing posts with label abuse. Show all posts
Showing posts with label abuse. Show all posts
The Cost of Hatred
I cruised over to Mom to the Screaming Masses and found this post. It made me stop and think. I love thought provoking stuff so I had to leave those thoughts. Here is what I said:
Hatred is a huge scythe as carried by Death. I have been through a lot in my life. Name a form of abuse and I survived. For many years I hated. The hate for the Ones Who Hurt Me was an inferno burning in my soul, the scythe being wielded with brutal efficiency. At 25 I found myself part of an abuse survivors group. It changed my life and helped me heal. Until that group, I hadn't realized how much damage the hate I carried was hurting me. It was then I felt the cuts and burns. It was then I looked at my husband and children. I saw how my hate had spilled out and, in tiny ways, hurt the ones I loved most. I also saw the objects of my hate weren't damaged at all. I'm happier than I ever thought I would be. I carry scars from all that I survived and from the hatred I snuggled like a blanket. The scars will always be there but I'm proud of them. They are a reminder of what I survived and a lesson of what hate can do.
I pretty much just put my fingers on the keyboard and began typing. I didn't think at all, just let it flow. I hadn't realized until I posted it and re-read it of the impact hatred had on me. I realize hatred could have cost me a great deal. A cost I hadn't even known about until last night.
I'm even more thankful for having been a part of the abuse survivor's group. I don't remember the names of the women I shared those weeks with. I do remember some of their faces. What I have always carried with me is the bonds we forged. We were all strangers to one another, yet each time we met we said things out loud we had never dared say before. The relief of not having to explain every word but just let flow like a rushing river.
We drained the poison from our wounds and helped one another begin to heal. The hardest part I think was the hatred. When you hate so much, for so long, you're reluctant to set that aside. Like a security blanket you've had your entire life but now your parents tell you that you can't have it because you're a big girl now. It was hard for us to let the hatred go. After all, did we not deserve to hate the ones who hurt us? How could anyone ask us to not hate them? The damage and cost of hatred is the reason we HAD to let it go. The damage to ourselves, the damage we unknowingly inflicted on the ones we loved. For some, that hatred had cost us so dearly already.
Women who came together as strangers, left with a bond. We talked, laughed, cried, hugged and there was always a hand to hold when you needed it. We knew what one another felt, the words we needed to hear. We healed together. We set our anger and hatred free a little at a time. It was the most liberating thing we had ever done. I know I'm a better person for it. For the first time in my life I felt happy, really, truly happy. It surprised me because I thought I had been happy.
A few years before this I made a promise to myself. I promised myself when I was in a better place and had healed, I would help other women. Those who had been abused and raped. A few years after the group I was able to keep that promise. I started a group online and grabbed the hands of those who were drowning. I'll never forget them either. I showed them there is life after abuse, life after bitterness, hatred and anger. They saw one day they could be happy. They could laugh, love and have a normal relationship. They told me these things and the one thing they all said that I cherish to this day. They told me I gave them hope.
Despite what others might think, I wouldn't go back and change anything. I wouldn't be who I am today for sure. I am a stronger more compassionate woman. I have learned to love myself and others more fully because of those experiences. I cherish life much more. There is so much joy I get from the truly little things in life. Because of it all I'm still alive, loving, laughing, and living. I reach out to help people everyday. Pain, schmain, I've been through worse!
Hatred is a huge scythe as carried by Death. I have been through a lot in my life. Name a form of abuse and I survived. For many years I hated. The hate for the Ones Who Hurt Me was an inferno burning in my soul, the scythe being wielded with brutal efficiency. At 25 I found myself part of an abuse survivors group. It changed my life and helped me heal. Until that group, I hadn't realized how much damage the hate I carried was hurting me. It was then I felt the cuts and burns. It was then I looked at my husband and children. I saw how my hate had spilled out and, in tiny ways, hurt the ones I loved most. I also saw the objects of my hate weren't damaged at all. I'm happier than I ever thought I would be. I carry scars from all that I survived and from the hatred I snuggled like a blanket. The scars will always be there but I'm proud of them. They are a reminder of what I survived and a lesson of what hate can do.
I pretty much just put my fingers on the keyboard and began typing. I didn't think at all, just let it flow. I hadn't realized until I posted it and re-read it of the impact hatred had on me. I realize hatred could have cost me a great deal. A cost I hadn't even known about until last night.
I'm even more thankful for having been a part of the abuse survivor's group. I don't remember the names of the women I shared those weeks with. I do remember some of their faces. What I have always carried with me is the bonds we forged. We were all strangers to one another, yet each time we met we said things out loud we had never dared say before. The relief of not having to explain every word but just let flow like a rushing river.
We drained the poison from our wounds and helped one another begin to heal. The hardest part I think was the hatred. When you hate so much, for so long, you're reluctant to set that aside. Like a security blanket you've had your entire life but now your parents tell you that you can't have it because you're a big girl now. It was hard for us to let the hatred go. After all, did we not deserve to hate the ones who hurt us? How could anyone ask us to not hate them? The damage and cost of hatred is the reason we HAD to let it go. The damage to ourselves, the damage we unknowingly inflicted on the ones we loved. For some, that hatred had cost us so dearly already.
Women who came together as strangers, left with a bond. We talked, laughed, cried, hugged and there was always a hand to hold when you needed it. We knew what one another felt, the words we needed to hear. We healed together. We set our anger and hatred free a little at a time. It was the most liberating thing we had ever done. I know I'm a better person for it. For the first time in my life I felt happy, really, truly happy. It surprised me because I thought I had been happy.
A few years before this I made a promise to myself. I promised myself when I was in a better place and had healed, I would help other women. Those who had been abused and raped. A few years after the group I was able to keep that promise. I started a group online and grabbed the hands of those who were drowning. I'll never forget them either. I showed them there is life after abuse, life after bitterness, hatred and anger. They saw one day they could be happy. They could laugh, love and have a normal relationship. They told me these things and the one thing they all said that I cherish to this day. They told me I gave them hope.
Despite what others might think, I wouldn't go back and change anything. I wouldn't be who I am today for sure. I am a stronger more compassionate woman. I have learned to love myself and others more fully because of those experiences. I cherish life much more. There is so much joy I get from the truly little things in life. Because of it all I'm still alive, loving, laughing, and living. I reach out to help people everyday. Pain, schmain, I've been through worse!
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