The Cost of Hatred

I cruised over to Mom to the Screaming Masses and found this post. It made me stop and think. I love thought provoking stuff so I had to leave those thoughts. Here is what I said:

Hatred is a huge scythe as carried by Death. I have been through a lot in my life. Name a form of abuse and I survived. For many years I hated. The hate for the Ones Who Hurt Me was an inferno burning in my soul, the scythe being wielded with brutal efficiency. At 25 I found myself part of an abuse survivors group. It changed my life and helped me heal. Until that group, I hadn't realized how much damage the hate I carried was hurting me. It was then I felt the cuts and burns. It was then I looked at my husband and children. I saw how my hate had spilled out and, in tiny ways, hurt the ones I loved most. I also saw the objects of my hate weren't damaged at all. I'm happier than I ever thought I would be. I carry scars from all that I survived and from the hatred I snuggled like a blanket. The scars will always be there but I'm proud of them. They are a reminder of what I survived and a lesson of what hate can do.

I pretty much just put my fingers on the keyboard and began typing. I didn't think at all, just let it flow. I hadn't realized until I posted it and re-read it of the impact hatred had on me. I realize hatred could have cost me a great deal. A cost I hadn't even known about until last night.

I'm even more thankful for having been a part of the abuse survivor's group. I don't remember the names of the women I shared those weeks with. I do remember some of their faces. What I have always carried with me is the bonds we forged. We were all strangers to one another, yet each time we met we said things out loud we had never dared say before. The relief of not having to explain every word but just let flow like a rushing river.

We drained the poison from our wounds and helped one another begin to heal. The hardest part I think was the hatred. When you hate so much, for so long, you're reluctant to set that aside. Like a security blanket you've had your entire life but now your parents tell you that you can't have it because you're a big girl now. It was hard for us to let the hatred go. After all, did we not deserve to hate the ones who hurt us? How could anyone ask us to not hate them? The damage and cost of hatred is the reason we HAD to let it go. The damage to ourselves, the damage we unknowingly inflicted on the ones we loved. For some, that hatred had cost us so dearly already.

Women who came together as strangers, left with a bond. We talked, laughed, cried, hugged and there was always a hand to hold when you needed it. We knew what one another felt, the words we needed to hear. We healed together. We set our anger and hatred free a little at a time. It was the most liberating thing we had ever done. I know I'm a better person for it. For the first time in my life I felt happy, really, truly happy. It surprised me because I thought I had been happy.

A few years before this I made a promise to myself. I promised myself when I was in a better place and had healed, I would help other women. Those who had been abused and raped. A few years after the group I was able to keep that promise. I started a group online and grabbed the hands of those who were drowning. I'll never forget them either. I showed them there is life after abuse, life after bitterness, hatred and anger. They saw one day they could be happy. They could laugh, love and have a normal relationship. They told me these things and the one thing they all said that I cherish to this day. They told me I gave them hope.

Despite what others might think, I wouldn't go back and change anything. I wouldn't be who I am today for sure. I am a stronger more compassionate woman. I have learned to love myself and others more fully because of those experiences. I cherish life much more. There is so much joy I get from the truly little things in life. Because of it all I'm still alive, loving, laughing, and living. I reach out to help people everyday. Pain, schmain, I've been through worse!