RSD Hell Night

Tonight, every damn night lately, seems like a bad night. So much pain. Becoming overwhelmed and overloaded dealing with it so much. Ups and downs I can handle, but every night, the sun starts to sink below the horizon and the pain begins to rise.

Tonight RSD decided it wants to kill my insides. Feels like bolts of lightning and balls of fire are ping-ponging around the one part of my body it shouldn't be, my uterus. I can deal with pain anywhere else, but not there. First time in awhile it's been this intense, this bad there.

Scares me to death to feel it. I pray to every Goddess and God I know, call to the ones whose names I don't, asking them please, don't let it go there. I can't handle that, don't want this shit to be on the move again. It's been "stable" for quite a few years now and I hoped maybe it would just stay that way. Tonight could be a one off and I won't feel pain there like this for months to come, but right this minute, it's consuming me. Like the flames that greedily lick at dry leaves and trees in the forest.

I feel like there's nothing left of me to take, but that's not true. There's plenty...inside. The thought of internal always lurks in the back of my mind. How can it not in all of our minds knowing it can easily slide in there like a knife between the ribs. What an appropos comparison. I lay here typing this, legs pulled up tight, tears streaming down my cheeks wondering when it will end. I want to sleep, escape it all but can't because it hurts so bad.

I pray for exhaustion to take over, help me escape into my dreams where I never feel any pain. The one place I can run, jump,twirl till I'm dizzy without consequences. A dream that I'll never live again. Yes, it saddens me, but doesn't devastate me. Life with RSD is what it is. Doesn't mean I can't hate the hell out of it on the worst nights, like tonight. I just want it to stop.

A cold front is coming through as well and that is kicking things into high gear. I don't want peace of mind, that part of me fled long ago. I just want a few days of peace, a break from the pain. I've gone through so much and just can't take this on top of it all.

It Just Figures

Just when I want to ever get anything done or get a routine, something happens to screw me over. My internet and phone connection went bye-bye for almost a week. I won’t air my feelings about the reason and the who. It threw me off bad and I’ve been trying to get myself back into the groove of writing. I’m not making much head way, but it’s Sunday so I thought I’d start things off right by posting a quick post.

I’m experimenting with another blog poster that’s on my desktop. I kind of like this one. It has the emoticons and all kinds of nifty buttons to play with and jazz things up. Not that I know everything this blog poster can do yet since I just opened it up. It’s 4:30 am and I’m very tired. Barring catastrophies, I will be back later on and post my heart out.

Been Too Long

I’ve been away too long. I get caught up in writing and everything else ceases to exist. I try writing notes to myself, but forget where I wrote the note. I know there’s something I want to do and just end up forgetting! *sigh*

I have found a nifty thing which should remind me to keep writing….a blog editor! I don’t have to remember to write by going to my blogs, I just click the icon on my desktop to open the blog editor. This should keep me motivated since this takes away my last excuse for forgetting and not posting. How can I possibly forget when the program is staring me in the face sitting next to my internet icon. *grin*

I hardly know where to start. I guess I’ll begin with my grandson Tristan. He’ll be four months old next week on the 6th. I can’t believe how fast he’s growing! He’s going to be tall and skinny like his Uncle Kenny(my oldest son) and his mama, my oldest daughter Heather. He’s in the 50th percentile for weight and the 90th or 95th percentile for his height. The only bad thing is he has acid reflux. It’s so hard to hear him scream in pain. I’m really hoping he’ll outgrow it by about six months old like his mama did.

Speaking of…..Heather, Tristan and the baby daddy Jeff are living with us now. She finally had enough of living in a house where she was miserable due to extreme conflict with Jeff’s mom. It’s awesome having little man here and seeing him every day. Taking care of him is also a perk to having him here. The best perk of all….I can hand him off to his parents!

Ok, I’ll think about other stuff I need to write and catch everyone up on. Till tomorrow!

Technorati Tags: grandson

I Can't Believe This!

I can't believe this! On an RSD board I'm a member of, I reposted something I wrote back in June because the original thread was gone. I come back tonight to find it deleted!! The reason, it says do not copy from websites. WTF????? I DID NOT copy that from any website, I wrote that myself on June 21! I sent a PM to the mod telling him so. That pisses me off. That as good as accusing me of stealing someone else's work. OMFG! That is more than upsetting to me because I would never in a million years steal anything. I'm a writer for pete sake. That is how I make my living and I'm constantly on the look out for people who have, do and will steal the articles I write that are posted online.

I'm so upset I'm shaking! I hate healthboards as it is because of what they did to me a few months ago. I blogged about it here. I now seem to have a permanent mark against me for the idiotic bullshit that twit caused me. Every time I post now it says, quite clearly for all to see, Infractions: 1/0. They won't allow us to "discuss" actions on the boards but I get publicly branded for doing nothing wrong?!? I've had it with their nitpicking shit. I'll see what he says first, but I'm seriously considering posting my true feelings about them in a big post. That'll get me banned, but at this point I don't care. Stupid SOB's accusing me of stealing someone else's work.

*takes a deep breath* That felt good. Now I need to hop over to my writing blog to post updates and my goals for August.

OY! OI!

I spell it oy usually but seen it spelled oi too so I covered them both. *giggles* I'm feeling a bit, punchy I guess. Lack of sleep does the body good!

I'd like to announce the addition of a great site, Hi Eyeglasses! The site Hi Sunglasses link I added awhile back now brings you eyeglasses as well. The products are fantastic and the prices are, IMO, really good. I'm a life long glasses wearer so I know what it's all about. There are designer prescription eyeglasses on sale all year. There are eyeglasses frames and reading glasses by Chanel, Emozioni, and Oakley. Tired of shipping fees? Free shipping is available! Hi Eyeglasses is your one stop eyeglasses store. Everything you need at great prices.*

Those fur babies of mine are keeping me amused when I take a break from writing. I want to strangle Miss Shanni for jumping the fence everyday though. I'm getting so dang tired of yelling at her. She KNOWS what she is doing is wrong, but she keeps doing it anyway! ARGH!! I might start pulling my hair out but there's one problem. My hair is falling out rapidly and I'm rapidly moving toward bald now. Miss Thang will be staying in the house till she can behave. I don't care how much she cries, whines and begs, "No outside for you!"

Ok, sorry for the shortness of this entry, but it was only a short break from making moola. *grins* Now I gotta hop on it to meet my $$ goal for the week.

I'm Officially A Blog Slacker

I suppose you can crown me with the "Official Blog Slacker" award now. Sometimes real life and the pursuit of money is more important, hence the reason for lack of activity on this 'ol blog of mine. I can't say I'm sorry because I've been busting my behind at my new writing job and have a nice paycheck coming to me on Friday and an even nicer one next week. *grins* Writing for two sites to make money once a week and then again during the week takes time. I hope you understand and don't hate me.

In other news, Tristan went to the doctor last Friday for another check-up because at his appointment with said doc on the 10th, they noticed he had a bit of jaundice. I noticed it when he was here and 2 days old. He's shucked the yellow now and weighs 8 lbs 13 oz. Dang...he's growing fast now. 1 week and 4 days old he gained almost a pound! He is now 2 weeks and 2 days old, for another couple of hours anyway.

The fur babies are frustrating me, causing me to pull out what little hair hasn't fallen out, and making me roll on the floor laughing. Having them in my life is a joy and sometimes as frustrating as having two toddlers. I've already done toddlerhood 3 times over. Evidently I'm a glutton for punishment though and felt the need to inflict upon my person toddlerhood for years and years with not one, but two cats! Yeah, I'm all about the punishment. heh Connor has begun to whine at me if the door is closed. Who woulda thunk a cat could whine? Not me. He does it, and does it very well. I wish I could capture it for you. Maybe tomorrow I'll figure out how to work the video on my digital camera and post it to share His Whininess with you. Just cause I'm also all about sharing too.

Well, I need to scoot off to my writing blog which is also been sadly neglected. I have some kick butt pv updates and comparing of goals to do.

No Need To Yell!

I know I've been bad, not writing here and all or there, the writing blog thing. I'm sure you can forgive me once I tell you I had a damn good reason! I was writing. Yes, actually, honest to Goddess writing and making some $$$$. You'll have to take a peek at my writing blog to hear my big announcement because it is writing related.

Anywho! My sweet Tristan and his mommy were released from prison the hospital on Wednesday about 5 pm. Her friend who picked her up brought her straight here. I got to hold my little man for almost four hours. *big grin* I didn't lay him down except to change his diaper once, and right before they left in order to snap a couple more pics. I'm plotting ways to get him back here to myself for a few days. My Big Brain came up with this awesome idea. Suggest how much she needs sleep and be able to chill for two days...or three...or four. I'm thinking of her well-being you know.

She's sore from her tummy being all stretched out with Tristan and a bit of discomfort from the stitches when the doc gave her an episiotomy. I'm thankful beyond belief she didn't get hemorrhoids from pushing like I did with her. I couldn't sit normally or walk for about a week and a half. She had a normal labor time, about 10 hours or so I think it was and pushed about 45 minutes. She was in so much pain. She's broken her tailbone a couple of times so what I feared would happen actually did. During the contractions, her back her real bad and pushing was a real bad ordeal. She had an epidural and was able to get some sleep finally. The worst pain was at the end when they cut the epidural meds so she could feel the contractions to push.

Oh, before I forget....I have his head and chest measurements now. Here's all his stats together. Tristan, born July 6, 2009 at 6:13 pm, Weight 8 lbs, Length 20 3/4 inches, Head 14 inches, Chest 13 inches. His head size is the same as his momma's and Aunt Serena's. His chest is the same as his Aunt Serena.

I'm gonna mosey off now. I have another article to write tonight before I go to bed.

I Am A Grandma

Tristan Lee Wayne was born July 6, 2009 at 6:13pm. He weighed a whopping 8 pounds and is 20 3/4 inches long. Mom and baby are both doing well and she's finally able to get some much needed sleep. He was born exactly on his due date just like his mother.

At her last doctor's appointment they did one last ultrasound and estimated his weight at 6 lbs 10 oz. Man were they off the mark! I think they meant 7 lbs 10 oz! He couldn't have gain over a pound in four days. I've had four kids so I'm very well acquainted with how babies gain weight and grow near the end.

Now, I'll have to begin another blog devoted solely to my first grandson to document his growing, all the firsts and just brag about him. He's such a gorgeous baby!

She said he didn't even whimper when they poked him to take blood for the newborn tests they routinely run. Tristan did perk up and yell when they gave him a bath and got him all clean. I hope it's not a sign he'll be a water hater.

Sorry about not posting these last few days. I've been busy writing and have a lot going on. It makes it hard to think when you're always nervous, upset and generally pissed off. I'm trying to build my article base as fast as I can and also branch out to other sites. Thanks for not yelling at me for the lack of posts.

Quick Post

Doing a quick post tonight. I am still working and need to finish up some stuff before I get too tired to think straight.

Hop on over to my Writing Blog to get the latest news on what happened yesterday, it's awesome! I had two new articles published today, Hair and Nail Growth with CRPS and Abnormal and Cradle Cap in Newborns.

All is as good as it can be here. Still wrestling with a lot of emotions, not very good ones either. It seems to get stronger everyday and I wonder if there will come a day I break.

Gotta get going, sorry it's so short. I'll make up for it tomorrow.

My Son's Birth Story

The day is finally here! I get to tell you the story of my firstborn's birth.

When I got pregnant, I was 18 and a senior in high school, kind of. There was lots of stuff going on but that's another story. How I found out I was pregnant is rather amusing.

I got my first period at 14 and from day one had been regular as clockwork. When I didn't get my period in November, I hardly dared to breathe. I was 18, but only in years. I had become a "grownup" a long time before.

I was only a few days late, so decided to wait until I was two weeks late. The 14th day arrived. I ran to the store to get a pregnancy test, then ran back home to do what many other women before me had done. Pee on a small, short stick and not all over my hand. I thought two weeks of waiting was long, but this was sheer torture. It said negative. I hadn't realized how badly I wanted it to be positive until I saw that result. I slid to the floor and cried.

I went through a whole bunch of pregnancy tests over the next month and half or so. Each one saying negative. I was so confused. I ate pickles and was solely responsible for supporting the pickle industry for three months. I couldn't smoke nor could I stand even a small whiff without getting extremely nauseous. I went to a place where they give pregnancy tests for free. I waited forever and just as I was about to grab the woman, slam her against the wall and demand an answer, she came in and told me, "You're pregnant!" I was about 3 months along.

Over the next few months I gained maybe 10 pounds, had to stand sideways and plaster my shirt to show, "Yes I really am pregnant. I'm x far along." One night we were at a friend's house and I felt something very odd. I'm sitting on the floor and it felt like I was peeing! Over the next hour or so I was in and out of the bathroom as I sprung a leak from who knows where but at least I figured out I wasn't peeing. One change of clothes and some gushing later, the friend sent me to the other friend 2 doors down. I explained what was going on to the nurse friend. She says, "Go straight to the hospital, do not pass Go, do not collect $200, do not stop for small furry animals, you're not peeing your water broke."

I languished in the hospital for the next week getting stabbed multiple times in both thighs multiple times a day to help my little baby's(sex unknown)lungs get strong. Exactly one week later on Wednesday, June 29, 1988, exactly 1 hour after eating my lunch,at exactly 12 noon, I went into labor. I whined a lot, told mommy to make the doctor get this thing out of me, told mommy I changed my mind and didn't want to do this anymore and said lots of other equally pathetic stuff while under the influence of the Best Drug In The World.(my baby daddy wasn't there)

At 5:49 pm my first offspring shot out of me with very little pushing. I heard the doc say, "It's a boy!" Then, "You have an infection." A nurse runs off with a tiny mewling baby yelling, "two, three!" Then I fell sound asleep since no one needed me to do anything. I didn't see my son for the first time until 11:30 pm. I cried when I did and was afraid to touch him. He was in the NICU on a bed under a funky looking light with wires everywhere and a needle going into the top of his bald head.

I laid my finger in his hand and his fingers slammed like a trap with the Tightest Grip Ever. I knew he'd be ok. The "two, three" was the nurse yelling how much she thought he weighed. Every one of the nurses dropped on the floor when he weighed in at 4 lbs, 12 oz. He was 6 weeks premature. He was moved into an incubator the next day, had no breathing problems at all, had not picked up my infection on the way down the chute and was a healthy little dude. I held him for the first time on Day 2, rocked and cried as I held him.

I had to leave the hospital without him because he wasn't eating as much or as vigorously as they wanted. I was at the hospital all the time holding him and feeding him. At day 5 they said he could come home, and then told me no because his umbilical stump was infected. Two days later it was all better and had fallen off. I brought my brand new baby boy, Kenneth Lee home in the early afternoon exactly a week after he was born. I was finally whole and could breathe again. Best of all, life could begin.

Happy 21st B-Day to the Best Son Ever! I hope you can manage to squeeze in a celebration today and not work too hard. I am proud of you, I love you and wish along with you that you were home right now with your wife, surrounded by friends having a kick ass party to celebrate being "legal." *grin*