Musings From The Couch

RSD Hell Night

2010-12-01T02:31:00.000-05:00

Tonight, every damn night lately, seems like a bad night. So much pain. Becoming overwhelmed and overloaded dealing with it so much. Ups and downs I can handle, but every night, the sun starts to sink below the horizon and the pain begins to rise.

Tonight RSD decided it wants to kill my insides. Feels like bolts of lightning and balls of fire are ping-ponging around the one part of my body it shouldn't be, my uterus. I can deal with pain anywhere else, but not there. First time in awhile it's been this intense, this bad there.

Scares me to death to feel it. I pray to every Goddess and God I know, call to the ones whose names I don't, asking them please, don't let it go there. I can't handle that, don't want this shit to be on the move again. It's been "stable" for quite a few years now and I hoped maybe it would just stay that way. Tonight could be a one off and I won't feel pain there like this for months to come, but right this minute, it's consuming me. Like the flames that greedily lick at dry leaves and trees in the forest.

I feel like there's nothing left of me to take, but that's not true. There's plenty...inside. The thought of internal always lurks in the back of my mind. How can it not in all of our minds knowing it can easily slide in there like a knife between the ribs. What an appropos comparison. I lay here typing this, legs pulled up tight, tears streaming down my cheeks wondering when it will end. I want to sleep, escape it all but can't because it hurts so bad.

I pray for exhaustion to take over, help me escape into my dreams where I never feel any pain. The one place I can run, jump,twirl till I'm dizzy without consequences. A dream that I'll never live again. Yes, it saddens me, but doesn't devastate me. Life with RSD is what it is. Doesn't mean I can't hate the hell out of it on the worst nights, like tonight. I just want it to stop.

A cold front is coming through as well and that is kicking things into high gear. I don't want peace of mind, that part of me fled long ago. I just want a few days of peace, a break from the pain. I've gone through so much and just can't take this on top of it all.

It Just Figures

2009-11-15T04:32:00.001-05:00

Just when I want to ever get anything done or get a routine, something happens to screw me over. My internet and phone connection went bye-bye for almost a week. I won’t air my feelings about the reason and the who. It threw me off bad and I’ve been trying to get myself back into the groove of writing. I’m not making much head way, but it’s Sunday so I thought I’d start things off right by posting a quick post.

I’m experimenting with another blog poster that’s on my desktop. I kind of like this one. It has the emoticons and all kinds of nifty buttons to play with and jazz things up. Not that I know everything this blog poster can do yet since I just opened it up. It’s 4:30 am and I’m very tired. Barring catastrophies, I will be back later on and post my heart out.

Been Too Long

2009-10-26T01:43:00.001-04:00

I’ve been away too long. I get caught up in writing and everything else ceases to exist. I try writing notes to myself, but forget where I wrote the note. I know there’s something I want to do and just end up forgetting! *sigh*

I have found a nifty thing which should remind me to keep writing….a blog editor! I don’t have to remember to write by going to my blogs, I just click the icon on my desktop to open the blog editor. This should keep me motivated since this takes away my last excuse for forgetting and not posting. How can I possibly forget when the program is staring me in the face sitting next to my internet icon. *grin*

I hardly know where to start. I guess I’ll begin with my grandson Tristan. He’ll be four months old next week on the 6th. I can’t believe how fast he’s growing! He’s going to be tall and skinny like his Uncle Kenny(my oldest son) and his mama, my oldest daughter Heather. He’s in the 50th percentile for weight and the 90th or 95th percentile for his height. The only bad thing is he has acid reflux. It’s so hard to hear him scream in pain. I’m really hoping he’ll outgrow it by about six months old like his mama did.

Speaking of…..Heather, Tristan and the baby daddy Jeff are living with us now. She finally had enough of living in a house where she was miserable due to extreme conflict with Jeff’s mom. It’s awesome having little man here and seeing him every day. Taking care of him is also a perk to having him here. The best perk of all….I can hand him off to his parents!

Ok, I’ll think about other stuff I need to write and catch everyone up on. Till tomorrow!

Technorati Tags: grandson

I Can't Believe This!

2009-08-02T00:07:00.002-04:00

I can't believe this! On an RSD board I'm a member of, I reposted something I wrote back in June because the original thread was gone. I come back tonight to find it deleted!! The reason, it says do not copy from websites. WTF????? I DID NOT copy that from any website, I wrote that myself on June 21! I sent a PM to the mod telling him so. That pisses me off. That as good as accusing me of stealing someone else's work. OMFG! That is more than upsetting to me because I would never in a million years steal anything. I'm a writer for pete sake. That is how I make my living and I'm constantly on the look out for people who have, do and will steal the articles I write that are posted online.

I'm so upset I'm shaking! I hate healthboards as it is because of what they did to me a few months ago. I blogged about it here. I now seem to have a permanent mark against me for the idiotic bullshit that twit caused me. Every time I post now it says, quite clearly for all to see, Infractions: 1/0. They won't allow us to "discuss" actions on the boards but I get publicly branded for doing nothing wrong?!? I've had it with their nitpicking shit. I'll see what he says first, but I'm seriously considering posting my true feelings about them in a big post. That'll get me banned, but at this point I don't care. Stupid SOB's accusing me of stealing someone else's work.

*takes a deep breath* That felt good. Now I need to hop over to my writing blog to post updates and my goals for August.

OY! OI!

2009-07-28T20:43:00.002-04:00

I spell it oy usually but seen it spelled oi too so I covered them both. *giggles* I'm feeling a bit, punchy I guess. Lack of sleep does the body good!

I'd like to announce the addition of a great site, Hi Eyeglasses! The site Hi Sunglasses link I added awhile back now brings you eyeglasses as well. The products are fantastic and the prices are, IMO, really good. I'm a life long glasses wearer so I know what it's all about. There are designer prescription eyeglasses on sale all year. There are eyeglasses frames and reading glasses by Chanel, Emozioni, and Oakley. Tired of shipping fees? Free shipping is available! Hi Eyeglasses is your one stop eyeglasses store. Everything you need at great prices.*

Those fur babies of mine are keeping me amused when I take a break from writing. I want to strangle Miss Shanni for jumping the fence everyday though. I'm getting so dang tired of yelling at her. She KNOWS what she is doing is wrong, but she keeps doing it anyway! ARGH!! I might start pulling my hair out but there's one problem. My hair is falling out rapidly and I'm rapidly moving toward bald now. Miss Thang will be staying in the house till she can behave. I don't care how much she cries, whines and begs, "No outside for you!"

Ok, sorry for the shortness of this entry, but it was only a short break from making moola. *grins* Now I gotta hop on it to meet my $$ goal for the week.

I'm Officially A Blog Slacker

2009-07-22T22:12:00.002-04:00

I suppose you can crown me with the "Official Blog Slacker" award now. Sometimes real life and the pursuit of money is more important, hence the reason for lack of activity on this 'ol blog of mine. I can't say I'm sorry because I've been busting my behind at my new writing job and have a nice paycheck coming to me on Friday and an even nicer one next week. *grins* Writing for two sites to make money once a week and then again during the week takes time. I hope you understand and don't hate me.

In other news, Tristan went to the doctor last Friday for another check-up because at his appointment with said doc on the 10th, they noticed he had a bit of jaundice. I noticed it when he was here and 2 days old. He's shucked the yellow now and weighs 8 lbs 13 oz. Dang...he's growing fast now. 1 week and 4 days old he gained almost a pound! He is now 2 weeks and 2 days old, for another couple of hours anyway.

The fur babies are frustrating me, causing me to pull out what little hair hasn't fallen out, and making me roll on the floor laughing. Having them in my life is a joy and sometimes as frustrating as having two toddlers. I've already done toddlerhood 3 times over. Evidently I'm a glutton for punishment though and felt the need to inflict upon my person toddlerhood for years and years with not one, but two cats! Yeah, I'm all about the punishment. heh Connor has begun to whine at me if the door is closed. Who woulda thunk a cat could whine? Not me. He does it, and does it very well. I wish I could capture it for you. Maybe tomorrow I'll figure out how to work the video on my digital camera and post it to share His Whininess with you. Just cause I'm also all about sharing too.

Well, I need to scoot off to my writing blog which is also been sadly neglected. I have some kick butt pv updates and comparing of goals to do.

No Need To Yell!

2009-07-12T23:58:00.007-04:00

I know I've been bad, not writing here and all or there, the writing blog thing. I'm sure you can forgive me once I tell you I had a damn good reason! I was writing. Yes, actually, honest to Goddess writing and making some $$$$. You'll have to take a peek at my writing blog to hear my big announcement because it is writing related.

Anywho! My sweet Tristan and his mommy were released from ~~prison~~ the hospital on Wednesday about 5 pm. Her friend who picked her up brought her straight here. I got to hold my little man for almost four hours. *big grin* I didn't lay him down except to change his diaper once, and right before they left in order to snap a couple more pics. I'm plotting ways to get him back here to myself for a few days. My Big Brain came up with this awesome idea. Suggest how much she needs sleep and be able to chill for two days...or three...or four. I'm thinking of her well-being you know.

She's sore from her tummy being all stretched out with Tristan and a bit of discomfort from the stitches when the doc gave her an episiotomy. I'm thankful beyond belief she didn't get hemorrhoids from pushing like I did with her. I couldn't sit normally or walk for about a week and a half. She had a normal labor time, about 10 hours or so I think it was and pushed about 45 minutes. She was in so much pain. She's broken her tailbone a couple of times so what I feared would happen actually did. During the contractions, her back her real bad and pushing was a real bad ordeal. She had an epidural and was able to get some sleep finally. The worst pain was at the end when they cut the epidural meds so she could feel the contractions to push.

Oh, before I forget....I have his head and chest measurements now. Here's all his stats together. Tristan, born July 6, 2009 at 6:13 pm, Weight 8 lbs, Length 20 3/4 inches, Head 14 inches, Chest 13 inches. His head size is the same as his momma's and Aunt Serena's. His chest is the same as his Aunt Serena.

I'm gonna mosey off now. I have another article to write tonight before I go to bed.

I Am A Grandma

2009-07-07T00:26:00.004-04:00

Tristan Lee Wayne was born July 6, 2009 at 6:13pm. He weighed a whopping 8 pounds and is 20 3/4 inches long. Mom and baby are both doing well and she's finally able to get some much needed sleep. He was born exactly on his due date just like his mother.

At her last doctor's appointment they did one last ultrasound and estimated his weight at 6 lbs 10 oz. Man were they off the mark! I think they meant 7 lbs 10 oz! He couldn't have gain over a pound in four days. I've had four kids so I'm very well acquainted with how babies gain weight and grow near the end.

Now, I'll have to begin another blog devoted solely to my first grandson to document his growing, all the firsts and just brag about him. He's such a gorgeous baby!

She said he didn't even whimper when they poked him to take blood for the newborn tests they routinely run. Tristan did perk up and yell when they gave him a bath and got him all clean. I hope it's not a sign he'll be a water hater.

Sorry about not posting these last few days. I've been busy writing and have a lot going on. It makes it hard to think when you're always nervous, upset and generally pissed off. I'm trying to build my article base as fast as I can and also branch out to other sites. Thanks for not yelling at me for the lack of posts.

Quick Post

2009-07-01T01:12:00.002-04:00

Doing a quick post tonight. I am still working and need to finish up some stuff before I get too tired to think straight.

Hop on over to my Writing Blog to get the latest news on what happened yesterday, it's awesome! I had two new articles published today, Hair and Nail Growth with CRPS and Abnormal and Cradle Cap in Newborns.

All is as good as it can be here. Still wrestling with a lot of emotions, not very good ones either. It seems to get stronger everyday and I wonder if there will come a day I break.

Gotta get going, sorry it's so short. I'll make up for it tomorrow.

My Son's Birth Story

2009-06-29T00:12:00.006-04:00

The day is finally here! I get to tell you the story of my firstborn's birth.

When I got pregnant, I was 18 and a senior in high school, kind of. There was lots of stuff going on but that's another story. How I found out I was pregnant is rather amusing.

I got my first period at 14 and from day one had been regular as clockwork. When I didn't get my period in November, I hardly dared to breathe. I was 18, but only in years. I had become a "grownup" a long time before.

I was only a few days late, so decided to wait until I was two weeks late. The 14th day arrived. I ran to the store to get a pregnancy test, then ran back home to do what many other women before me had done. Pee on a small, short stick and not all over my hand. I thought two weeks of waiting was long, but this was sheer torture. It said negative. I hadn't realized how badly I wanted it to be positive until I saw that result. I slid to the floor and cried.

I went through a whole bunch of pregnancy tests over the next month and half or so. Each one saying negative. I was so confused. I ate pickles and was solely responsible for supporting the pickle industry for three months. I couldn't smoke nor could I stand even a small whiff without getting extremely nauseous. I went to a place where they give pregnancy tests for free. I waited forever and just as I was about to grab the woman, slam her against the wall and demand an answer, she came in and told me, "You're pregnant!" I was about 3 months along.

Over the next few months I gained maybe 10 pounds, had to stand sideways and plaster my shirt to show, "Yes I really am pregnant. I'm x far along." One night we were at a friend's house and I felt something very odd. I'm sitting on the floor and it felt like I was peeing! Over the next hour or so I was in and out of the bathroom as I sprung a leak from who knows where but at least I figured out I wasn't peeing. One change of clothes and some gushing later, the friend sent me to the other friend 2 doors down. I explained what was going on to the nurse friend. She says, "Go straight to the hospital, do not pass Go, do not collect $200, do not stop for small furry animals, you're not peeing your water broke."

I languished in the hospital for the next week getting stabbed multiple times in both thighs multiple times a day to help my little baby's(sex unknown)lungs get strong. Exactly one week later on Wednesday, June 29, 1988, exactly 1 hour after eating my lunch,at exactly 12 noon, I went into labor. I whined a lot, told mommy to make the doctor get this thing out of me, told mommy I changed my mind and didn't want to do this anymore and said lots of other equally pathetic stuff while under the influence of the Best Drug In The World.(my baby daddy wasn't there)

At 5:49 pm my first offspring shot out of me with very little pushing. I heard the doc say, "It's a boy!" Then, "You have an infection." A nurse runs off with a tiny mewling baby yelling, "two, three!" Then I fell sound asleep since no one needed me to do anything. I didn't see my son for the first time until 11:30 pm. I cried when I did and was afraid to touch him. He was in the NICU on a bed under a funky looking light with wires everywhere and a needle going into the top of his bald head.

I laid my finger in his hand and his fingers slammed like a trap with the Tightest Grip Ever. I knew he'd be ok. The "two, three" was the nurse yelling how much she thought he weighed. Every one of the nurses dropped on the floor when he weighed in at 4 lbs, 12 oz. He was 6 weeks premature. He was moved into an incubator the next day, had no breathing problems at all, had not picked up my infection on the way down the chute and was a healthy little dude. I held him for the first time on Day 2, rocked and cried as I held him.

I had to leave the hospital without him because he wasn't eating as much or as vigorously as they wanted. I was at the hospital all the time holding him and feeding him. At day 5 they said he could come home, and then told me no because his umbilical stump was infected. Two days later it was all better and had fallen off. I brought my brand new baby boy, Kenneth Lee home in the early afternoon exactly a week after he was born. I was finally whole and could breathe again. Best of all, life could begin.

Happy 21st B-Day to the Best Son Ever! I hope you can manage to squeeze in a celebration today and not work too hard. I am proud of you, I love you and wish along with you that you were home right now with your wife, surrounded by friends having a kick ass party to celebrate being "legal." *grin*

Memory Lane, Serena Part Two

2009-06-27T22:18:00.003-04:00

I grasp the windowsill and force myself to look down to the ground below. Even that small action seemed to take forever when it was only seconds since I had walked into the room. I look down and more minutes go by as my brain comprehends what it sees. My baby laying face down on the ground. 3 floors down on the ground in the dirt. 3 floors down face down on the ground in the dirt not moving.

I sucked in the breath I didn't know I had been holding and began screaming, "My baby, my baby, OMG my baby!" as I threw open the door and flew down the stairs. I am lucky I didn't fall and break my neck. It was a blur in time to me. There was only one thought in my head, it was please don't let my baby be dead, no no no no no no, oh god no!

I didn't realize how loud I was screaming, but everyone came running. When I burst into the courtyard I see her sitting up, wobbling a bit like a weeble wobble. Weird thought to have at the time, they weeble and they wobble but they don't fall down. I fell to my knees beside her wondering how badly she's broken. There are so many people now yelling at other people to get stuff, call 911, people talking to me at once. A thousand voices that sounded like the buzzing of bees.

I haven't not shed a tear yet. I remain calm and in control as my dad taught me to. I grasp the back of her neck and with someone elses help, layed her flat on the ground all without moving her neck. The only part of her that unbent were her knees. A blink later and there are the paramedics. My sweet serene child had not shed a tear but took one look at them and began to scream her bloody head off! She does not like strangers at all. I raised my voice telling her to calm down, she's ok, they won't hurt her. One of the paramedic guys looks at me and says, "Calm down, don't get upset, it'll only make her more upset." I look at him through dry eyes and inform him I am not upset, I'm trying to tone down her screaming before we all go deaf.

We literally lived across the street from the hospital so it took about a minute to get to the ER doors. My son had somehow appeared at my side as I climbed into the ambulance. Rushed into the back, her screams ringing in our ears. The hustle and bustle of ER personnel as they begin to assess the damage done to my girl.

I finally get her to calm down and stop screaming. *phew* I may never hear again but that's ok, screaming was good. It was a sound at that moment in time I cherished. Really broken kids don't scream like that. It meant she had to be ok, didn't it? Then came time for the x-rays. Hear we go again! Despite my assurances it won't hurt, no one is going to torture here, the screaming begins again. I am partly amused, mostly deaf.

That done, we can only wait for them to take a hard look at the x-rays to see how many broken bones she has. It seemed like forever to me. Then the doc walks in with this funny look on his face. I felt a sense of dread and thought, "OMG, it's worse than bad and how long will it take her to mend? Will she be rushed into emergency surgery?" The doc opens his mouth to speak and said, "She's going to be fine. There nothing wrong except for the dirt on her skin and a couple of scrapes."

I know my mouth was hanging open as my brain processed the info. There was nothing wrong? Not one broken, shattered, crushed or pulverized bone in her body? The look on his face had been one of shock! I was there with him and the whole freaking ER!

We did end up back in the ER at 10 pm that night. I realized they only took x-rays from her waist up, they never x-rayed her legs! Her right ankle swelled up like a balloon and I said, "Her ankle is broken!" I was right. Another set of x-rays later, she had broken the growth bone in her right ankle. Six weeks in a cast from mid thigh to toes and she was healed. I'm thankful it hasn't given her any trouble since then.

Memory Lane, Serena Part One

2009-06-27T00:42:00.003-04:00

Last night I promised some memories of my kids. There are so many to choose from. What shall I tell first. Serena, my "baby" girl. I'll begin with what happened a few days after she turned three. This will be the only for tonight because it is quite a tale.

When she was three years old we lived in a 3 story apartment building. Of course we lived on the third floor. At the time we had Brent living with us too. They were in the bedroom playing with some toys and arguing, as all brothers and sisters do. I was in the livingroom doing some writing. I heard a fight break out and went to referee before someone got hurt. Dispute over the toy resolved I went back to the livingroom.

About one minute later I heard a noise I couldn't place and then a god awful racket. I knew immediately what that sound was. The fan had been knocked off the dresser. It was one of those oscillating fans and if it can't swivel it starts clacking. So, I go toward the bedroom and there is Brent standing just outside the door with the weirdest look on his face. I remember thinking, "Why does he look like that?" I had a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach suddenly though my mind wasn't registering that something was very wrong.

I step past him into the doorway and scanned the room. It was like time almost stopped, everything was in slow motion. I knew there was something missing and also there was something wrong with the window. In slow motion I cross the room still trying to figure out what was missing. It seemed like minutes before I got to the window. I lifted my left arm toward the window and extended it. My hand and part of my arm was outside now. How could that be? Where is the screen?

I am stopping here because it's too long to post it in one post. Come back tomorrow for the rest and no I don't enjoy torturing you.

Memories

2009-06-25T21:57:00.010-04:00

Before I begin tonight's posting, I'd like to call attention to a new link I added to my Fav websites over there -----> on the side and down a little. *grin* It is HiSunglasses.com. There are some awesome looking shades there and if you get a minute, go check it out! It's worth the time, I promise.

Ok, on the the subject, memories. I guess every parent goes through it. You get older, your kids get older, grandbabies come. My first one, Tristan, is coming any day now. I find myself each year remembering when they were born, memories through the years, the things they did and said, the happy and omfg scary times. So, as I like to remember the memories, I wanted to share some with you.

I won't share birth stories because you'll have to wait for those. The order will be Monday, for my oldest son, Nov for oldest daughter, Feb for youngest daughter and April for youngest son. The last two will be flipped cause he was born in 91 and she in 94.

Ok, so they were awesomely cute kids! Don't believe me, take a look. This is my oldest son Kenny about a year old. Ain't he awesomely cute? *big, proud mama grin* I knew he was going to grow up and break some hearts, but I didn't know he'd become the spitting image of me!

So, here's my son all grown up, and yep, handsome as sin! He also married the love of his life Vanessa last year. I hope to meet her one day. I miss him being in Iraq but she misses him tons more than me! I think of them both everyday. I wish them many happy years, lots of anniversaries and a couple of grandkids for me. *grin*

Now to oldest daughter Heather and son Brent. Here they are, she's 4 yrs old and he was turning 3 yrs old a month later. The smiles are because they just got a new baby sister the week before. How cute are they?

Then, they went and grew up on me. I'm short, 5'2" and every one of them are taller than me. I still find myself a little disconcerted to have my children looming above me, but I wouldn't have it any other way. There she is just a week ago still carrying Tristan around.

Brent grew up to be bigger than I thought he'd be. He was such a skinny little kid. Then he hit about 16 and dang! He freaking shot up there! Not the best pic of me, but then, none are at this point. *giggles*

My "baby" girl Serena who is a gorgeous young woman. She will be a freshman in high school come August. *sigh* Just her and her brother in school now, he'll graduate next year. She was such a fat, happy baby. She's 6 months old here. We were at the causeway for some fun and water fun that day.

Now, oh my "baby" is not a baby anymore! She looks like me, like her sister, takes after me with that red hair, attitude. They both have.....all of them have LOTS of attitude!

Well, I shared memories of then and now, but wasn't that fun? I'll do actual memories tomorrow, and maybe a pic or two while I'm at it.

Cause I'm Twisted Like That

2009-06-24T23:32:00.002-04:00

Cause I'm twisted like that, I have to direct you to a post on a blog I read regularly. She is f'ing hilarious!! This one is wayyyy good too. So, go read the Tale of Blue Thunder...I'll wait, go on.

Did you not just die laughing?! I thought so. I love when she writes those posts. I don't think I'd have enough guts to actually dye my naughty bits! Holy cow! Cutting, trimming, whatever is one thing, but to dye it another color? Ummm, not me! *shakes head vigorously*

Ok, so now on with the show. I posted an article tonight before I could change my mind. I like to do something amusing and this fit the bill. Jump on over and read Connor's Rules for Cats Who Own People. If you don't read it I'll cry. I mean, I really will. You don't wanna make me cry, cause my eyes will get all swollen and red, my nose will turn red like someone who drinks a wee bit too much and there'll be snot everywhere. You don't want to be responsible for that scene do you? Good, I thought not. I know this isn't my "writing" blog but I have the right to pimp myself all I want to.

There were no lizard hijinks today. Mainly because it rained most of the afternoon keeping the fur babies inside. Patience did find the missing tail of the lizard Connor caught. It was laying on the floor by the sliding glass door. (I'm sorry about that, sometimes a rhyme is unavoidable.) She bent over and said, "What this?" When she picked it up by the very end with her fingernails we both said, "Ewwww", then "So that's where that missing tail was." *giggles* Good thing their tails grow back.

I used up all of my wit and brain power writing today so you are doomed to be disappointed in the meager fare I offer you tonight. Maybe tomorrow will be better. Now, if only I can remember to get over here in the afternoon!

A Cat Tail

2009-06-24T00:16:00.004-04:00

The day went by too fast! I feel like every time I blink another hour or two has gone by. I hate when it does that. Here it is a bit after 1 am already and I'll be going to bed soon. Despite the swiftness of the day I got a lot accomplished.

I wrote up a funny post about CRPS and posted on one of the CRPS boards. A friend of mine there had mentioned a pamphlet on you have CRPS now what? So, to give you a good laugh too, I'm posting it here for everyone to read.

Congratulations! You have RSD/CRPS, Here's What To Expect

Congratulations on joining the RSD/CRPS community! Due to lack of education you are now one of the millions suffering in silence with a progressive, chronic pain disorder. Don't give up hope though, there is a whole new world opening up for you.

Everyone experiences the world of RSD/CRPS differently. You may or may not have any of the following. If you do have any of the symptoms, do not freak out and do not go to the doctor. They don't know anything anyway. Go online and come to the closest RSD/CRPS forum where Karen is now Mayor.

Symptoms you can expect with RSD/CRPS:

Pain: This is common. Pain is best buds with RSD/CRPS. Try to ignore them as they have fun plucking at your nerve endings. Ignoring it will make them go away.

Burning: This is another common symptom of RSD/CRPS. The little pyromaniacs running around inside are what cause the bonfires you feel. They are harder to stop, but drenching them in water puts a damper on their day.

Jerking of Limbs: This happens for some people. If you are minding your own business and an arm or leg begins jerking and flopping like a fish out of water, go with it. Ever wanted to smack or kick your significant other? This is your chance to do so! After all, you can't control all that flailing can you?

Muscle spasms: These can be quite painful and cause your body to contort into shapes not meant for our bodies to be in. Think of the career you could have in a traveling circus! If leg cramps cause you to sit bolt upright in bed in the middle of the night screaming in pain, take a moment to laugh hysterically as your partner hits the ceiling in fright. Everyone needs a good scare now and then, except us of course.

Electrical Jolts/Stabbing: This is the most beloved aspect of RSD/CRPS. Being electrocuted because of the slightest noise feels so good. If the slighest sound causes you to clap your hands over your ears, curl into a ball and blubber like a baby, it's fine. Those comfy white jackets that are all the rage can be yours too!

Hot Flashes/Sweating: The most annoying part of RSD/CRPS. Sitting on the North pole naked isn't enough to cool you down. In order to try to be comfortable, turn the house into an igloo. If your spouse dares utter a word about how cold it is, snarl at him from the extra-deep freezer you are lying in and slam the lid. He won't say anything to you again.

Other things you can expect from RSD/CRPS. All the hair on your legs and arms might fall out. Not that it's a bad thing, you won't have to shave again! All the hair on your head may also fall out but think of the trend we'll be starting.

Your skin...that which protects us turns on us too. You may begin to notice a slight drying of the skin at first. A good lotion seems to work and you're happy. Day by day you notice your skin flakes off. Lotions stop working and soon you're molting like a snake shedding its skin. Awww, who needs that skin anyway!

These joys and more can be yours as a part of this special disorder. Hurry and sign up at your local ER or doctor's office now!

Sincerely,

All of us miserable SOB's

Carried Away

2009-06-22T22:38:00.002-04:00

I was given a not so subtle reminder today of my neglect of this blog. One of my best friends, G, has had her day thrown off track and she is suffering for it. I've been carried away writing articles. I am beginning to get a schedule for myself, a writing schedule that is, and will be switching my blogging time to earlier in the day. I don't want to be responsible for G's head exploding or anything. *waves at G and smiles* *waves at T and smiles, just in case she's reading*

It has been so hot and muggy here the past few days! Stepping outside and trying to breathe is hard. It's actually worse than trying to breathe pea soup, it's a bit like suffocating trying to draw enough air in. UGH! Highs have ranged from the low to high 90's. Today four record highs were broken. Three cities had a high of 100 or 101. That is without the heat index from humidity added in. With it added in, the temp was a balmy feels like 112 to 115 degrees! Holy cow.

You know it's too hot when my fur babies, lovers of things outdoorsy, will not go out at all. A first for sure and I can bet not a last either. I have never seen temps this high in June before. Yea global warming! *snort*

My sweet daughter Patience has now officially moved into the "OMG I am freaking bored!" stage. There's only so much drawing, reading, tv and video games one can indulge in before it begins to be repetitive. School hasn't been out for a month yet. It is going to be a verrrrry long summer.

On the baby front, we are still waiting. Tristan is about done cooking and will be making his appearance any day now. I talked to Flower two days ago and she has dropped. *big silly grin* Just like her momma, baby drops then says hello to the great big world within a week. I hope so anyway. *giggles* I still feel, quite strongly, she won't make it past the end of the month. If she makes it any further than next Sunday I'll be surprised.

Next Monday my oldest son is turning the big 2-1! Where has time gone? I miss him and wish he weren't "over there." I need to write him again and fill him in on the goings on around here. *sigh* Watch next Monday for the birth story of my firstborn. He had a bit of a rough start but grew into a fine, healthy young man who I am so proud of.

Holy Carp!

2009-06-18T22:39:00.002-04:00

Do my eyes deceive me? Has it really been *gasp* 4 days since my last entry?!? Holy carp batman! I am sooooooooooo sorry peeps. I did not forget, I swear, I've been busy hyperventilating, hating hubby, hating life, cursing my broken body and wishing this life were over.

Wow, look at that, I just updated you in one long sentence! I swear, that is the last exclamation point I will poke you in the eye with tonight, or morning if you're reading this tomorrow. Oh, I forgot about work, I have been working too. *slight grin*

You can tell from the tone tonight I sound happier, I'm not. I am trying to write, make money and distract myself. I am trying really hard to not stress myself out because my pain has been way too high. The p word turning into the big P word does NOT get articles written. If I don't write, I don't make money. I'm trying so hard and that in itself is just hard. *le sigh*

My first grandson should be born anytime now. I still feel like she'll be having him by the end of next weekend. My oldest son's birthday is on the 29th, he'll be 21. From the moment I found out I was going to be a grandma, the feeling he would be born before my son's birthday hasn't left. The time is so close and the feeling is even stronger now. I think she'll be in labor and give in about 5 1/2 hours and he'll weigh about 7 lbs but not more than 7 lbs 3 oz. No, I won't predict time because I have no feeling about that at all. My oldest son was born in the late afternoon, the next 3 were born with numbers and AM after the numbers. Nothing like delivering in the wee hours of the morning to disorient a person.

Summer is in full swing now. My "baby" girl is beginning to get bored. She has been out of school 2 weeks tomorrow and she's going all Young and Restless on me. It will only get worse from here. Just an FYI, I've never watched that particular soap opera in my life. School can't begin soon enough for all of us.

Hmmmm, what now? *drums fingers on table* I have run out of things to say. Oh holy crap. I need to go write an article and stimulate myself. *slams on the brakes* Uhhh, I swear I didn't mean that the way it sounded. Get your mind out of the gutter people. Geez

Yes, I know....

2009-06-14T21:55:00.002-04:00

You were thinking, there she goes again, Karen is MIA! Nope, I'm here just having brain difficulties a bit more than usual. I lost my writing mojo for a few days but it's coming back. I have turned in 3 articles recently that are awaiting offers. I'm hoping to get another one done tonight. I started it, now I just have to finish it.

Speaking of writing, I started another blog. It's my writing blog, about well...writing! That is where I'm going to put my struggles, ups, downs, etc, progress and stats of my AC articles. I'll also include other things when I branch out and write for other sites too. The blog is Karen's Writing Blog. I'll include the link over there under my favorite websites as well. Done, link is now on the list.

I tried starting my writing blog at WordPress but man that site is complicated with a capital C!! I deleted it and came over here. Blogger is a site I'm comfortable with, I know how to upload new themes and play with widgets, all the good stuff.

Anywho...it's not raining every single day. We've had a couple of storms but thankfully it's remained mostly sunny once again. We have different names for Florida. Officially, it's the Sunshine State and most of the time it lives up to that name. When rainy season hits we should be named The Storm State, The Stormy State, The Rainy State, take your pick. During August and September, it should be The Hurricane State, or The Plywood State. I'm partial to the second name myself. I'm grateful we've had no hurricanes since '04 and Oct of '05. They make my pain go way up.

Shanni continues to escape the courtyard and run free. She's usually chasing lizards when she breaks out. Every time she goes, no matter the reason, she is punished. There are plenty of lizards in the courtyard for her to grab and mutilate, she doesn't need to go anywhere. Why can't she learn from Connor who is a good fur baby? *sigh* I still love her anyway, even though she drives me crazy most of the time.

The day gets closer to seeing my grandson. Her "official" due date is July 6th but as with all pregnancies, it could be any day now. I worry how she'll handle having a real live baby. This certainly won't be a doll she can just dress up and tote around saying "Look at me, I got my own baby now!" That's been her attitude for the most part since she found out she was pregnant.

Her latest thing is, "I wanna get a puppy for Tristan." *rolls eyes, sighs heavily and tries not to rip hair out* Grrrrrr. I let fly on her for that one. She has no money, no job, the daddy works here and there. I asked her, "How the hell are you doing to afford a puppy? They are very expensive. There are vet bills and heartworm meds that need to be given every month." I said a lot more than that but you get the gist. Yeah, a newborn and a puppy is a good idea when you have no money and you don't even have your own place to live. I swear she has no brains sometimes. I'm worried how the hell she'll afford to keep Tristan in diapers, never mind all the other stuff of daily living!

That's the updates for now. I'm going to go and get some work done.

Hello Good People!

2009-06-09T22:12:00.002-04:00

I didn't forget you! Last night I was on the phone with a friend till late, and have been writing too. I managed to write two more articles but haven't been able to finish them. I'm frustrated because the words won't come.

Ok, let's just move right along. Shanni and Connor were very awesome today. Shanni stayed in the courtyard and didn't jump the fence. I love it when she stays put. I've been in no shape or mood to jump up and down every 2 minutes to check on her. Connor is always good and mostly lays about on the ground. He'll move if he sees a bug or a lizard.

Sorry so short tonight. I'm pissed off and just can't write.

My Articles

2009-06-06T22:28:00.003-04:00

I have achieved publication! *big grin* Sometimes I hate the wait. At long last, the awareness articles you've been waiting anxiously for!

Myasthenia Gravis Awareness, Aphasia Awareness, David Carradine-Suicide or Murder? you decide. Here are two new CRPS articles. This one is the Effects on Bone and Muscle, read what it does or can do to some. Last one, I swear! This is on the 4 most common diagnostic tests those of us with CRPS have done, Diagnostic Tests. They're really for everyone in a way because people get these tests done every day.

Now I have thoroughly flaunted the Shameless Hussy side of me, we shall move on to other topics which may or may not thrill you. I never make promises.

I am going to dive into the wide world of Squidoo! I realized tonight I have many bits of knowledge to put out there. Not only in my articles, or my blog, but in lenses. There is so much you can do with them. I love the ability to add pictures and a bazillion other things to engage the reader. I am a creativity Goddess, so it makes sense to expand my world. It's also a great way to showcase my ~~Shameless Hussy~~, the articles I write to further educate the masses on CRPS, home remedies and the other topics I am going to write. I have two home remedy articles in the queue which I hope will be out in a few days. Nothing gets done on the weekend, so we'll see what happens on Monday and after.

I've been totally lazy today and have not written an article yet. I will write two before I got to sleep. No, I won't turn them in. When I say write, that's what I mean. I will write them and the editing, touch-up part and general fiddling comes tomorrow so I don't end up making HUGE mistakes. It also helps me not to end up having my article suck so bad I create a vacuum in time and space. It makes it hard to breathe when that happens. Death usually follows. *grins* Aren't I cheery? Yeah, that's me, Miss Cheerful scattering Rainbows and Blossoms wherever I go. *the image of it makes me shrink away in horror*

Oh, I was busy wrapping the Cloak of Misery around me last night and forgot to tell you a tale. The tale of a woman who is proud of her work. She has doubts and fears but is conquering them one at a time. She feels useful for the first time in many years. She is making money writing and she has always loved to write.

This woman waited until she had some articles published, building a small, modest library which she would unveil to her father with all the flourish of a magician revealing the disappearing lady. With butterflies beating at her insides, she produced the link to her writings. She felt as nervous as a kindergartner on the first day of school. What would he think? Would he like them? Would he give her lukewarm praise just to humor her? The most important question to her was, would he finally gain some understanding about her disorder?

She waited anxiously for a letter from her father. She expected a pat on the head and braced herself for some rather patronizing words. She waited, and waited, and waited some more. The woman had made a fatal mistake. She forgot in her excitement to protect her heart and her feelings. She waits in vain it seems for even one word from him. Silly of her to have gotten her hopes up. Hasn't she learned by now he doesn't care? Maybe from this day forward she will remember this lesson. Stop hoping for something that does not exist outside of fairy tales. Too many days have gone by. Anything offered to her now will be hollow, without meaning, and nothing but an afterthought. It is not as if she asked him to read one hundred different pieces.

The moral of the story? No matter how many times you want something to be different, it never will be. You think you can't be hurt by someone, only to find out the knife still has the ability to slice you to the bone.

Nothing Like Inspiration

2009-06-05T23:08:00.002-04:00

Nothing like a bit of inspiration to get my butt in gear. I don't want to go into the details of it here. I'm still 1) really, extremely pissed and 2) images of a gory and prolonged death of someone close to me are rolling through my brain. It's not fit reading for the www. T, if you want to hear more, call me at night. G, if you do, call me during the day, around noon tomorrow, Sunday, or Tuesday when that someone is not home and can't hear the words I will speak. *evil grin*

Anyway, this inspiration which is holding a very big gun to my spine, demands I write as much as I can, as fast as I can. It won't take no for an answer and wants cash money, lots of it, like yesterday. It has me begging and shamelessly prostituting myself all over the web for people to read my ~~wonderful~~, ~~brilliant~~, average articles. Needing my huge circle of friends to click on each page of every article I have thus far written. Ok, so all 2 of my friends to do it everyday.

This is when I have the dream I'm a successful writer and have a few hundred dollars of residual income flowing in from different sites. In this dream I get a couple hundred dollars per article too. I dream big by seeing my wildly inspirational book rocket to the #1 spot on the NY Times Bestseller list and remain there for months. This nets me thousands, no millions of dollars of successful book income.

Since it is only a dream, I remain poor and have to wonder how much longer we'll have a roof over our head. Things will get worse than that what with having no car, a certain someone with no license. That leads to how the holy hell will we move a house full of STUFF and where the hell would we put it? Ya know, back to the pesky, no home, no money issue.

I'm afraid I'm going to fail. I'm afraid I can't make the money I need by writing for ten billion sites which pays next to nothing for my brilliance. I'm just upset, more afraid than I've ever been in my life, and having many other similar thoughts beating at my mind every second. It keeps me awake. It ruins my concentration. It makes me question a lot of things. The not sleeping so well thing is causing my pain to be worse than normal, along with a healthy, well a more than is healthy dose, of frustration and anger thrown in. With the higher pain level, the non-existent concentration zooms off to another galaxy to laugh at me with wicked glee. My ability to form coherent thoughts makes me drool. Everything good in me has gone on an extended vacation with no return date in site.

I needed to get some of this out. I hope I have not dragged you down to as low as I feel right now. I think I also just needed to throw a pity party for myself before trying to churn out subjects which are not what I want to be writing about. What I want to write about is not as profitable as the things I don't want to write. I think it's not...although judgment is reserved until I see what the numbers behind the dollar sign say. *free hugs to everyone who made it to the end of my babbling and depressing verbiage*

Writing and Pictures

2009-06-03T22:49:00.005-04:00

Writing is going very well. I'm steadily adding to my big book of writing topics everyday. At this rate I will never run out of things to write about. Yea me! I have never thought I'd run out of topics anyway. There is too many things to address out there in the world. Toss in personal experiences and there's even more. I had two articles offered for today and should be published tomorrow. Stay tuned for the announcement. The surprising part is the effects on bone and muscle article is the one I turned in two days ago! In just over two months I've never had an article accepted that quickly. I'm silently counting my blessings because I know that will never happen again. *chuckles* Another writer on the site also had hers accepted within a couple of days.

Ok, let's move on to the pictures part. I came across some pictures I took a few weeks ago when I first began to play around with the camera. For your enjoyment, I am sharing them with you tonight. *grin* I played a bit pointing my camera through this vine bush in our courtyard. I love purple and every afternoon these flowers bloom on it.

Of course the day would not be complete without a picture or two of my fur babies. They are so cute and irresistible. How could you ever resist that 15 lb ball of furry cuteness? He is a BIG boy that's for sure. We're unsure if he's done growing yet or not. He's mostly Maine Coon and they don't finish growing until between the ages of 3 to 5 years old! He just turned a year old last month and in a little over half an hour he will be 1 year and 1 month old. We'll see if he grows some more or not.

Shanni girl, my boo, the Queen of the household. She's gotten a bit bitchy in her old age. *snorts* She's only 3 years old which is 29 years, 8 months old in human years. She's far from old in either realm but she acts like a nasty old lady. She is 12 lbs. and also mostly Maine Coon. She stopped growing around 2 years old. It's obvious the bit of domestic cat in her dictated her growth, yet she's on target for a female Maine Coon weight. If Connor has another year, I shiver at the thought of how big he may get. He's already HUGE! He's around the weight of a male Maine Coon now. Most sites I've read say a male can get to 18 to 20 lbs fully grown. Knowing that, he's 3 lbs off the low end right now.

I want to end this posting with a word about the Air France Flight 447 plane which crashed. My heart and thoughts go out to every one of the families who are grieving a child, husband, brother, sister, whoever they may have been to someone else, they were loved. Sending much needed strength to the loved one also to get through the days to come.

June Awareness!

2009-06-02T23:36:00.003-04:00

In honor of one of many awareness topics for June, this one, Aphasia Awareness What It Is and What You Can Do To Help, is the first awarneness topic for June. Click on it and go check it out! Aphasia is known to many people, they just never knew the "official" name for it. Support Aphasia Awareness Month.

Ok, shameless self-promoting done. *snort* You know I had to. My next awareness article should be out in the next few days, so stay tuned! Also, Don't forget, June 4th is Hug Your Cat Day.

My dad had some things for Tristan sitting in his truck for the last 3 weeks or so! I finally got it tonight. They're a few things my sister got together. I have a crib mattress, pad and sheet set, a car seat, a few toys and some stuffies. One of them is a rabbit and when you shake it, makes a noise...it's a rattle too! I love baby stuff. Oh, I also have a thick cushion to change him on too. Heather brought down a swing and a baby bath on Mother's Day for us. She has them both already. She has a ton of clothes as well. Tristan will not run out of clothes to wear for months on end! You can never have too many baby clothes. Almost forgot the other stuff my sister sent along...a song of over 100 lullabies and a kit for baby with clippers, medicine spoon, snot sucker, thermometer and other things, a couple small baby powder things and some butt rash cream. Baby Tristan is going to have a home at grandma's always!

Ok, enough of that. I turned in my CRPS bone and muscle article. I did a first draft of diagnostic tests for CRPS and will go back to writing it as soon as I'm done here. Probably not going to get it turned in tonight, but I'll have it turned in tomorrow. I am still learning so much and getting ideas for things to do every day. I am going to set goals for myself on paper. I find this motivates me a lot more than my vague goals that are in my head.

Gotta run now and get something done before the night is through.

I Feel Good!

2009-06-01T23:49:00.004-04:00

nanananana uh, like I knew that I would now. I think that's how it goes. *laughing at myself*

I finally got my CRPS bone and muscle article in tonight. That's why I feel good! It only took me two or three friggin days! Grrrr I was getting seriously miffed at myself for having a problem. I try not to, I really do. My brain, quite literally, is "wired" differently than other people's brains. As long as I've had CRPS now I am quite sure I have bits which have died. In case your wondering, I read an enlightening article on what CRPS does to my brain. That's how I can say what I have said with certainty. I've known for some time now my short term memory has packed his bags and trucked on down the highway for greener pastures. Isn't that a picture?

I forgot to write last night about a sad death. Yesterday, Sunday, the last Titanic survivor died at age 97. Elizabeth Gladys "Millvina" Dean, who was 2 months and 2 days old on that fateful night the Titanic hit an iceberg. Sunday, being May 31, was the day, exactly 98 years ago, they launched the Titanic in Belfast, Ireland. It somehow seems apropos. The end of an era is now truly ended. There are no more survivors to give us their memories. I'm glad there are many artifacts and the Titanic will always live on in all our hearts, as will the survivors, even if we didn't know them all by name.

Sorry this is short tonight. Instead of easing up, the pain is ramping up. Why me?! *chuckles* I'm just lucky that way, that's why! I'm so used to this CRPS crap that unless it's horrible stabbing it's just annoys the hell out of me. It ruins my concentration and makes doing anything meaningful impossible. *really big sigh* Off to rest my body which has turned on me for the night.

I Didn't Abandon You!

2009-05-31T22:40:00.003-04:00

Sorry for the 2 day abandonment. Friday night I was on the phone with T...for four hours...but we accomplished a lot. *big grin* Hope your computer is better now T. It was almost 1:30 am, I wasn't going to even try to write a blog post at that late hour, or early hour.

Last night, I was occupied with articles. Two more articles on CRPS. The first is on CRPS's effects on bone and muscle. The second is the common tests people with CRPS have done. I have edited the first one about six times already and outlined the second pretty well. I seem to be having a problem with finding my words and putting them together where they make sense. In case you're thinking, "Karen, you're writing like you usually do. I don't see anything wrong with it." You must remember writing articles is not blogging. *chuckles* I can use as many, or as few words as I want here. The articles have to be tight, concise and to the point in an orderly fashion. I will revisit the bone and muscle article as soon as I am done here. I hope it's good enough to turn in tonight. I really am trying to do an article a day but so far haven't accomplished it.

In kitty news today, King Connor caught a lizard this afternoon. He likes the corner of the courtyard near the gate. In late afternoon lizards seem to gather there. I'm pretty sure it's because the sun heats up that part for a good part of the day. He pounced on that sucker and trotted off across the courtyard with a very smug look on his furry face. I could almost here him saying, "I'm the man, oh yeah, I am THE man!" *laughing* Of course Gil went out to do the "Catch and release" thing. He almost lost a hand to Connor for that. They hate when we make them let the buggies go. I think they assume we should let them eat the darn things. Ummm...I don't think so! EWWWW! ICK! GROSS!

That's the big excitement for the day. Well, besides my non-functioning brain. I do lead a very unexciting life. *sigh*

Hating The Cable Company

2009-05-28T23:19:00.006-04:00

Totally hating the local cable company! I swear sometimes they do shit on purpose just to piss me off. Last night everything went down again for the second time this month, I think it's this month. I know that's not so bad, but geez people! Why do you insist on doing stuff like this when I have Very Important things to do on the world wide internets? Let's hope the cable company won't have another "glitch" anytime soon.

Ok, not for my articles. I know you've been happily anticipating more from me. So, to give you your K fix, here are some great articles. Family and CRPS Ways To Cope 7 Myths About CRPS and last but not least, an article I had to do because I have fur babies and I love wacky "awareness" months or days. June 4th is Hug Your Cat Day

I love writing and wanted to do one for fun and to make other people laugh a little. Since I de-frustrated myself and came at writing with a new attitude, I'm having fun writing again. I am also feeling more confident writing the articles and am now going to begin branching out to write other stuff and keep writing the CRPS articles.

Karen's Main Article Page, just in case you want to read all of my stuff while you're there. *innocent look* Me shamelessly promoting myself? Nah...I'd never do that!

I took a few more awesome pics in the past couple of days. Here's my Connor man looking every inch the regal king he is. Sometimes it's hard to grab really good photos and I'm tickled to death I was able to get this one. I'm also very lucky I got it, because right after I took this pic, the batteries in the camera died. If it happened just a few seconds earlier, there is no way I would have gotten this.

There is much stormage going on here everyday. I'm not doing too bad pain wise. Everyday it has stormed. Just a couple of hours ago, it was thundering, lightning and pouring down rain! More is coming tomorrow. *sigh* Oh well. It has driven down the drought index numbers though and we're no longer in the dangerous range. Anywho, Here's a couple of pics I took when the storm rolled in a couple of days ago. Isn't that beautiful? Here's another. I glanced outside because it was getting dark in the house. I saw that and grabbed my camera. When storms roll in, things change quickly. You have to seize the moment before it's gone.

I hope seeing these photos lifts your spirits. Beauty is everywhere and I'm going to try to capture it every chance I get. Some things are worth sharing. The pictures I take are one of them. My articles are another.

Good Day

2009-05-27T01:30:00.006-04:00

It was a good day. Well, mostly. The clouds rolled in and had the sky looking nasty for awhile, but it didn't rain. At least not on us. The clouds did disappear, so it was more sunny today. The rest of the week is going to be a repeat of the last couple of weeks. Expect a chance of rain every day, especially in the afternoon.

I turned in another article today. I wrote it a bit faster than I usually do and then put it aside for a couple of hours or so. When I went back to proofread and edit, I only had to change a couple of things. It will spill 80 words over onto a third page, but that's not much at all. It's about Myasthenia Gravis awareness. The difference between this one and the aphasia one, is MG is a bit more complicated. I couldn't take out anything because all the info was pertinent to MG. I don't think it will bother anyone who will read it. My keyword density was nailed dead on the first time around too! *grins*

I'm getting better at this whole web writing thing pretty quickly. I continue to search for and read everything about writing for the web I can find. I am picky about who I will take advice from. If the source I am reading has been at it awhile and I can read articles they have written, then I'm sure I can rely on the info they're posting. It won't be a bunch of crap or advertisement to buy a neato gadget that will do your writing for you! Sure. Writers, most of them, are people who love to write and strive to better themselves all the time.

I don't have much to say tonight. I waited a bit too late to come blog. I'm pretty tired. Hopefully tomorrow I won't get sidetracked reading and researching. That is the reason I wasn't here before now.

My Day

2009-05-26T00:53:00.007-04:00

I decided tonight I would take you on a little stroll through my day. Things started out sunny. The weather dude forcast lots of rain today, a 70% chance. With all the sun I started to think maybe he was wrong. *glances at picture* I guess he was right. When the rain began to fall from the sky, it dumped all over us! It was pouring down. There was lots of thunder and lightning. We thought a couple of times the power was going to go out. It didn't and for that I am very happy.

I stopped by a puddle to reflect a moment. I let the quiet and tranquility sink in.

A splash of color caught my eye. Lying there was one of my favorite colors. I'm pretty sure it was fate.

Then, another bit of color made itself known. I was on the verge of screaming like a little girl. I thought it was a frog. No, I'm not scared of them. I don't like being surprised by something small, green and slimy. I peered close. Nope not a frog at all.

On my way home I discovered a civilization that had lived on this land long ago. I excavated the area a bit and discovered tiny pots. The civilization was a race of miniature people. I love unearthing the past.

If you want to see more of my walk about outside. Go clicky on my Flickr to check it out.

I had some very bad moments today. I wished I could cut my leg off. It was just that bad. I can deal with my "usual" pain, but when it gets stabby...it makes me want to cry. I caught myself just in time. I know from experience not to tempt fate by wishing one spot of pain away. Every time I have done that, a great deal of me decided to get involved. I hope you enjoyed your day. I really hope it was a sunny one.

Babies, Tears and Laughter

2009-05-25T01:54:00.006-04:00

So, I have totally putzed around and wasted the entire day doing absolutely nothing! Well, that's not quite true. I spent from just after 12pm until just after 6pm getting my dear, sweet, Patience's computer up and running again. She is so lucky her mom is a total computer genius! Got a trojan, virus, or an alien who has taken over your computer? No problem! I will track that sucker down from the first folder deep into the bowels of the puter where grown men fear to tread. I will laugh maniacally, cuss, yell and give a big WOOT! as I ruthlessly squash, delete and laugh in the face of danger in the maze of microchip land. Once I have the puter running smoothly and purring like a kitten, I sit back, smile and sigh contendedly. *gives myself a pat on the back* Yes siree, I am the woman!

I then took a few hours to indulge myself. Lying here on my couch, quickly flipping the pages of the book I am reading and snacking on whatever food I could lay my hands on. I am almost done with the book now and it seems it will be a slightly late night. I can't go to bed and leave 20 pages unread. I will be done with that piddly amount in about 5 minutes.

Around 10pm I put the book down to jump on the puter. I could not stay away from the blog I began reading last night, you know, the one about Matt and Madeline. I am almost caught up to the current time. I stopped only because I needed to blog. I have many fans who would be seriously disappointed to drop in tomorrow and find no entry. I have read about and devoured pics of the little princess and short clips as I laughed at times and shed some more tears as well. The honesty, the rawness of his words and watching the little one grow up is one thing I can't resist. Seeing her milestones reminds me I will soon have a new baby in the house.

I had forgotten many things about babies. I soaked it up like a sponge knowing in the coming months my little man will be doing these things too. I may end up making some people nauseous. Why? Because pics of my little dude's face and video clips will saturate the blog as I brag, boast and be completely obnoxious crowing about my grandson. *grins* Hmmm...I just had a thought. Instead of posting it here, I am going to begin another blog. It will be Tristan's blog alone. There I can post a god awful amount of pictures, clips and words as I detail his life for all to see. Everyone loves babies, especially cute babies. I know he is going to be cute and grow into a heartbreaker! He will inherit a buttload of cute genes ya know. People have told me how cute I am my whole life! *giggles*

I didn't feel like writing yesterday, errr...Friday and after wrestling the puter back into shape yesterday, I was in no mood or state of mind to shake an article on Myastenia Gravis out of my head. So, two days of no writing, nothing turned in. I feel awful, I really do. My "schedule" and "discipline" deserted me faster than rats on a sinking ship. To make up for it, today I will write and submit 3 articles in order to catch up to myself and the missed days. At least, that's what I'll shoot for. Gil and Patience will be home all day. I hope they will respect the blocks of time I shall carve out so I can do my job. I should say all I have to do is inform them that mommy is leaving the premises for a bit. In her place, Karen will show up to work until she needs to take a break from writing. Then mommy will be there to deal with any crises which may arise. I really, really hope there will be none or my carefully planned day will be in tatters.

Emotions

2009-05-23T23:26:00.002-04:00

I've whiled away the last 2 or 3 hours reading a blog. I started out earlier reading some of the blogs I have on my blogroll over there. I had stopped by to read the blog by a daddy with the cutest boy named Max. His blog makes me laugh and he is a good writer. If you want to take a peek, you can go here.

I wandered to some of his past postings as I usually do with every blog I read. I got sidetracked onto this blog by Matt. I had known ahead of time I would cry. I went to the beginning and began reading. My smiling face slowly turned to one of shock, heartbreak and I dare say a bit of horror as I looked at the date. It was just last year. I have bawled my eyes out, smiled, awwwed and well....run through just about every emotion there is. I'm not done reading yet and likely won't stop until I've read every post up to the present.

What makes this blog by some dude so special? Well, to most people, probably nothing. Me being me it's very special. Being an empath I feel everything. He has not spared anyone, who dares to read his words, his pain and his joy. Oh, back to the what makes it so, at least to me. After much worry and bed rest, he and his wife on March 24, 2008 had the cutest baby girl ever! She was born about 7 weeks premature. On March 25, 2008, he and a nurse were taking her to see her daughter Madeline for some lingering looks and lots of touching. She had only seen her baby for a few short seconds after birth because they needed to take her to NICU. Just after she seats herself in the wheelchair she made a comment, passed out and despite everyone's best efforts, died of a pulmonary embolism. I should add she had been on bedrest for 5 weeks so you can understand where the blood clot came from.

I don't mean to sound callous about her death. I just reread that sentence and I tossed it out bluntly but I do not mean it that way. Sometimes things don't come out sounding so great when I type. So, I'm up to his daughter being almost 11 weeks old. My heart hurts for this man I've never met and don't know. To share such joy and have the love of his life cruelly yanked away leaving him to face life without her and raise their daughter. It made me think about my hubby. Would he have been able to carry on with Patience without me? I think he would. We had a baby girl he had waited for, about 8 months too long. It was a change considering the father(read sperm donor) of my first 3 who didn't give a rat's ass.

One thing he wrote that had me crying hard and so angry I could have chewed nails, was a comment made by a grandmother in the NICU 2 days after he lost his wife. A grandmother people! She said to him that he could give his baby up for adoption. Or that he should(?).....either way it made me see red. Of all the....I was speechless reading that yet had some choice words for that woman, mainly of the bad word variety about her and her parentage. How the hell could someone even suggest that? Did she think he would give up his child? Did she think that tiny baby girl's life would not be a good one just because her dad would be raising her? If I had been there and heard the comment I may have just knocked that ole bitch flat on her ass.

I stand in awe of two incredibly strong men I do not know, who were both widowed at way too young of an age with an infant to raise on their own. There are friends and family there for them. Strangers who became friends and lots of love all around. Nothing can ever make their world whole again. I already know life is short but they remind me, once again, how fast life can change. As I prepare for my oldest daughter to give birth to my first grandchild, I will continue to send out prayers to whatever Gods and Goddesses will hear me, that everything will be ok. I have four names to give to the deities to ask they be watched over. It's not much, but it is what I know.

Writing and the Brain

2009-05-23T01:26:00.003-04:00

I'm proud to announce that on Thursday and yesterday I turned in 3, yes count them 3 articles! *big ole shit eatin grin* Two on Thursday and 1 yesterday. My Big Brain may have huge gaping holes in it most days, but it never completely abandons me. It feels like it does sometimes.

The doubts I had about myself and my ability to write are quickly fleeing. I was plagued by the thought I am not good enough. Who was I kidding thinking I'm a writer and I could possibly have a writing career. I'll never get the hang of writing articles for the web. I also thought I wouldn't get very many page views and the ones I would get would be from the small group of friends I have.

The three articles to come are: CRPS and Family, Myths of CRPS and Aphasia. I have about 14 more articles to come on aphasia and myasthenia gravis alone. June is awareness month for both of these conditions. I won't explain these conditions now because if I did, then you'd have no reason to go and read my articles. It's all about education and bringing awareness to these conditions. In between the 14 I have laid out, there will, of course, be more CRPS articles.

My awesomely Big Brain is on a roll and it feels good. I am starting to pull together a schedule for myself slowly. It takes time to figure out what works best for you when it comes to freelance writing. Especially if you want to make writing a career. I understand I can't be so hard on myself. The pressure I feel isn't from the outside, it's from inside. The stronger the pressure, the more my Big Brain wants to function. I can't get words to come out right. I can't decide what to write about. Then when I do I have no clue where to start or how to begin. It just snowballs from there until I'm pulling my hair, gnashing my teeth and want to scream long and loud till I have no voice left.

Today worked well for me. Instead of putzing around after booting up the computer, I opened my articles folder, made my way to the info I saved last night, and began to write. I got it done, then set it aside to edit later. I didn't have to do much editing.

I know some days pain will get in the way. Pain has a way of wiping out the ability to think and laughs at you because you can't even put two words together. As time goes on I will get faster at writing my articles. I won't mentally abuse myself for not writing any articles on the days my pain level is high. Maybe one day I will be able to write regardless of the day. I might find a way to work around the way pain interferes with my ability to think and concentrate. For now, I am going to concentrate on the goals I have set for myself, maybe think of new ones and continue to strive for they stars.

Thinking Back, Part II

2009-05-22T00:53:00.003-04:00

Over the next five years I systematically had my self-esteem stripped away until there was nothing left. I had no friends. He had completely isolated me from everyone. I didn't have any support and nowhere to turn. The day I turned 18 and moved out, my father disowned me. After I had Flower, I even reached out to my grandma and was turned away. The one person who had been like a mother to me all my life would not help me get out of that situation. I was physically abused just about everyday. I realized slowly he was an alcoholic as well. The more he drank, the meaner he got. Isn't that the way it always is with alcoholics? He was and still is a controlling bastard. He's also still an alcoholic.

In 1992 I left him late one night. I had prepared my escape plan well. Except, as with most things, my plans didn't go off without a hitch. That particular night I was at a friend's house with my youngest 2 kids. (the tale of my oldest son is another long story). It was a good thing I wasn't at home. He had gone to work overseas. He wasn't supposed to come back home for a few months yet. He told me many months later the reason he came home was because he had a feeling something wasn't right. I was over at the friend's house when two people came to a screeching halt outside the house. They were friends of mine and I had planned their part in my escape. The Great Escape wasn't for another few days or a week. I can't remember exactly.

They come running in shaking and upset. They told me that HE was back! I could only think OMG! What am I going to do? They told me he went straight to the apartment he and I lived in and kicked the door in. They jumped in the car and came to get me. They also wanted to get out of there because my ex would have headed straight for their door. I had no clothes for any of us, a handful of diapers and my purse. I had to jump in the car and leave right then. I had no choice and staying would have possibly meant my death.

It took a long time to build myself back up again. Like many women who have been abused, I had my share of "issues" to overcome. It was tough because this abusive relationship wasn't the only thing in my life to give me "issues." I like to think because of all I have lived through I am a better person today for having survived.

The one event that helped the most was meeting my hubby Gil. Without him I'm pretty sure I'd be dead. When I met him, I was skipping merrily down the path to self-destruction. I didn't care about a lot of things back then. The one person I cared about least was myself. He put up with a lot from me. I was so used to men using me for a punching bag that I did not and could not believe him when he said he would never raise a hand to me. I pushed Gil hard trying to make him hit me but he never would. It took time, but it eventually sunk in he really wasn't going to smack me around.

I found happiness and love unexpectedly. I never thought I'd be happy. I never thought anyone would love me for me. I thought I had to be who and what the other person wanted me to be. I expected to be rejected by Gil as I had so many times before when I talked about the stuff that happened to me. Thankfully none of it happened. We have been married for 15 years, together for 16 years and counting. He is my rock, my other half. No matter the abuse anyone suffers, you can be happy one day. Never give up! There is life after abuse.

Thinking Back

2009-05-20T22:37:00.003-04:00

I find my mind wandering back to yesteryear at times. Sometimes I feel so old. Usually on my bad pain days when I look like a 90 year old woman as I hobble across the floor. When I think about how old my kids are.....*sigh* I suffer a pang and say, "I can't have kids that old!" Alas I do! Ages, 21(next month,son), 19(daughter), 18(son), 15(daughter). Oldest is married and number 2 child is making me a grandma! Where did the years go? I run the movie projector in my head of the day each was born. The time and circumstances. I see them as they grow, they pudgy little wee ones they used to be.

With these thoughts come others not so happy. Those are of the ex neanderthal. When I still lived at home, he was so nice. He never raised his voice or a hand to me in the months leading up to my 18th birthday. My dad made it perfectly clear he hated him, which only made me want to be with him more. Dad did the best he could to keep us apart, but how much can you really do when said man lives across the street? Trouble began within a couple of weeks after I turned 18 and moved in with him. At first it was little put downs. Small, seemingly off-hand comments about how stupid I was, things were my fault.

The biggest change came in the form of how I dressed. I have been, and always will be, a tomboy. I remember as a young girl praying I would wake up a boy. My "outfit" is what I'm comfortable in, jeans and t-shirts. I admit, like other young women of my time, the jeans were very snug. My shirts weren't slutty low or showing my belly, but they, well....they just fit nice. He all of a sudden didn't like it. I'm still not sure how it happened. One day I'm wearing what I like, the next I'm only "allowed" to wear baggy jeans and shirts. Anything which was even remotely snug disappeared.

I was never a "girl" in the sense of doing my hair, nails and wearing makeup. Occasionally I did, but not often. In high school my friends were shocked if I came to school wearing a skirt and makeup. Never a dress though. There are reasons why I never wore dresses and hated skirts but could tolerate it. That is a story for another time. Anyway, I was banned from ever doing my hair or wearing any sort of makeup. If I made my hair a little nice I was accused of things I wouldn't do. Yes, the cheating thing. I was being accused of sleeping with every man that walked by, literally. It was a wonder I had time to even breathe with all the men I was sleeping with! *snort* It never crossed my mind to go sleep with someone else. I know some people would think, well if I'm going to be accused of doing something, then I may as well be guilty of it for real. I was never alone long enough to cheat on him anyway.

Part II coming tomorrow.

Rain,Rain Go Away

2009-05-19T23:50:00.003-04:00

Rain, it gives life to trees and plants. Water that pours from the sky to drench everything and bring down the drought numbers. The rain draws a veil down, allowing the mind to drift. For me, the weather I love means being caught in the grip of pain. The monster chewing on my nerves, muscles and bones. Feasting on the misery it causes. Laughing gleefully the whole time. I will not this lying down, I spring to my feet brandishing the only weapon I have. A long curved blade, sharp enough to slice through the thickest of hides. The battle cry bursts from deep in my soul as I run the monster through, hacking him to pieces. Laughing manically as his life seeps into the ground. I AM the conquerer!

It may be sunny for a little bit early tomorrow. The weather dude said the sun will be our downfall. That shiny orb hanging in the sky will cause water to pour upon us for yet another day. It will eventually stop raining. The sun will some day hang in the sky and its bright light will shine upon our faces once again. That day seems so far away.

Flights of fancy done now. *big smile* Despite the pain I was determined to get some writing done. I am proud of myself for being able to. I have to wrap it up before going back to edit and rewrite before turning it in. I did one last night, but it was rejected. :-( I was expecting it actually. I took a stab at a news item and they didn't think it worthy. *sniff* I'm going to rewrite it my way and publish for performance only. That means it will be published to the site right away and I will make money only from people who go read it. No payment upfront. Not that it bothers me. I've also been toying with the idea of publishing some of my poems as well. They can be nothing but performance only but it would be nice to see if anyone likes my stuff.

The fur babies were a bit grumpy today. I don't blame them. I know they hate being cooped up in the house as much as I do. Connor had fits off and on all day. He would run around the house like his butt is on fire and literally bouncing off the walls! Of course he also drove Shanni mad with his antics and chasing her around the house. She deserves it for not playing with him. Oh my....I just reread what I wrote and that sounds just a wee bit perverted. *snort* You all know dang well I didn't mean it that way!

Hot News and Weather

2009-05-17T23:17:00.003-04:00

Today was a very nice day! Despite the prediction of lots of rain. I am happy it was unexpectedly nice which gave me a nice break. The next 3 days though we are going to get soaked! Mr. Weather Dude says by Thursday morning some of us could have gotten a half a foot of rain. Oh yeah, fun times indeed. For the next two days it appears it will be those awesome elemental thunderstorms all day long and into the next. If I can get some nice shots and enjoy it, then I will be satisfied.

I'm sitting here watching the news. A couple of stories caught my attention. One made me laugh and the other shake my head in wonder.

A man calls 911 to report seeing a HUGE black panther in some woods staring at him. States this thing has to be about 150 pounds. Police race to the seen, mind you it's pitch dark out, spy their quarry and quickly discuss their options. Using a shotgun, pistol or taser. They decided they didn't want to hurt the cat. It is a living thing after all and hadn't attacked anyone. They settled on the taser. I believe 2 tasers were used. Creeping up on the big cat they discovered........it wasn't alive! Someone, not the caller, had placed one of those really big stuffed animals as a joke. When they realized it was all fluff and no meat, they had a good laugh.

The other is a 100 year old man who, I swear to you, doesn't look a day over 65 or so. It makes me giggle to write that but it's true! Jaring Timmerman, broke three world records in the Manitoba Masters Swimming Championships in April. This weekend he set a world record in the 100-metre backstroke. There was no previous record to break in his age group of 100 to 104. He is truly an inspiration to all no matter what your age is. He didn't begin to swim competitively until he was 80 years old! WOW, my hat is off to the guy.

I'm Baaaack!

2009-05-16T23:57:00.003-04:00

Sorry about the 2 day silence everyone. I was on my way here day before yesterday and my internet went down on me. It was just after midnight and didn't come back up till after 4 am and I was already sound asleep. Last night I got too tired even though I wanted to come do an entry.

Today, I saved the life of 1 lizard. He wasn't very big either but Shanni girl didn't seem to care, or Connor either. A couple of hours later, Gil saved the life of another bigger one. A medium size lizard teased Shanni by hanging out on the screen, but up too high for her to get at. Little bugger didn't even bother to try and go anywhere else either! I think he was laughing at her.

Late this afternoon Connor spotted one that pissed him off. It was a huge one! He was on the wall between the corner of the house and the post of the gated off bit in the courtyard used to storing the water hose and recycle bins. He stood up reaching toward it but was just a little bit shy of his goal. Then he crouched and leaped into the air but didn't get it. That was the funny part because between Connor and my line of sight on him are the garbage cans. All I saw was Connor bounce way up high in the air and then drop to the ground. It kind of looked like he had used a trampoline! *giggles* He tried getting at it from different angles. This one was smart though and refused to budge from where he was safe. Connor finally gave up in disgust and stalked off to the other side of the courtyard. I swear if he could talk he would have been saying, "Damn it! Stupid lizard doesn't even have the decency to let me get a little shot at him. Fine! I'll just go over here and find me another one then!"

I had some difficulty for the past few days over writing my articles. I wrote this article and it was published with no problem. It is about RSD skin issues. The article I turned in the day before that one was rejected twice. I'll admit it pissed me off. In one of the other articles I did, I mentioned some percentages for a RSD related symptom, gathered from a survey I'm doing. See my rant on apathy concerning RSD'ers not helping with awareness. That post is here. Anywho, I referenced it before and nothing was said. It published fine. I did the same in this article on RSD and family issues and they're having a hissy fit about the details! *sigh*

I'm actually very glad it was rejected though because when I reread it, it sucked! It jumped from the main point in the 1st paragraph, to something totally unrelated in the 2nd. I hadn't realized what I did before I turned it in. I was also getting frustrated with the writing of my articles and that pushed me over the edge. I haven't worked on the articles I've started nor have I tried rewriting the family one. I realized I needed to take a step back and take a little break. As badly as I messed up in the family article, I see I got careless. I'm going back at it starting tomorrow with a clearer head. I certainly won't be careless again. I will not rush the writing and editing just to get an article turned in. It's not worth it. I don't want a jumbled, piece of crap article sitting there under my name. I don't want people to try to read it only to walk away shaking their head wondering what the hell I was thinking when I wrote it.

My hands and arms are hurting so I'll stop here. See ya'll tomorrow!

Boiled Peanuts and Southern Cooking

2009-05-13T23:47:00.004-04:00

First we have a picture. It's something I love sooooo much I can't express my love for these. Look.....YUMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM I am eating them at this very moment! The oh so salty goodness, the salty juice they are lovingly cradled in, the perfect texture, not crunchy like a regular peanut but not very soft. Kind of like steamed veggies. I LOVE these things. I gave Patience a little tiny sliver to try last night. She was not thrilled. I apologized to her for not raising her in the true Southern fashion in which I was raised. That earned me a raised eyebrow but no comment. *giggles*

My family comes from Kentucky, specifically Glasgow, Kentucky. They migrated there from Tennessee and before that were in Virginia, before that, Germany. We were originally Bischoff. Anyway, as you can see we are Southern to the bone. With this proud heritage comes a nutritious Southern diet. Yes siree, I grew up with the best food in the world!

My grandma made the best biscuits in the galaxy. I still drool a little when I think of them. No matter I grew up at her side, helping her, I can never make them as good as she did. I would eat bits of dough as she rolled the dough out, cut the biscuits out with an empty can, mush the scraps together and do it again. Pinto beans and cornbread. Not the pan cornbread. The cornbread I love looks like a pancake. You make the batter up with corn meal and other stuff, heat up a skillet, melt butter and then cook like pancakes. OMG! I can make that and now I want some. Pinto beans were the hard beans in a bag that you need to pick the rocks out of, soak and then cook them.

Grits with lots of butter. I love putting shredded cheddar and crumbled bacon on mine. Black-eyed peas, no not the group. Fried okra *makes note on grocery list*, hominy. My grandpa loved it. No one else did. I never did understand how he could stand to eat that stuff. When grandma cooked it, it stunk up the whole dang house!

Everything was fried in lots of butter or lard. Real, honest to god lard, homemade gravy made in part with bacon drippings if it was breakfast or made with fried chicken or fried cube steak drippings from dinner. Homemade mac and cheese, made with elbow macaroni, put into a baking dish and topped with slices of american cheese. Hush puppies, can't forget them. Not sure if they're a southern thing or not, but man are they good!

Grandma loved desserts. We had apple pie, cherry pie, apple and cherry cobbler, butterscotch pie, the yummiest chocolate pie, banana pudding, lemon meringue pie, key lime pie. These and so much more!

Now I've made myself hungry. *sigh* I've got some good stuff for next week's grocery list though. *big grin* As with all southern women, grandma didn't ask, "How ya doin?" She said, "Did ya eat yet?" or "You're too skinny. Let me fix up something for ya." I'm like my dad, skinny as a rail. Grandma never gave up trying to put some meat on my bones.

2009-05-12T00:29:00.003-04:00

I uploaded belly pics and one of Shanni and Connor into Flickr. I'm going to add more tomorrow of some outside pics I took and some of my feet and legs in all their RSD glory!

Today it clouded up, then the sky opened up and dumped buckets, complete with thunder and lightning. It was awesome. The wind was whipping the trees around, leaves on the big trees outside were flying through the air. I love storms because they are so elemental. They make me feel energized and alive. It's going to do it again tomorrow. I'm going to try and capture the rain and wind with the camera.

As much as I love them, I have to pay a big price now. It hurts me. No, it's more than that. A storm begins to build in my body as it does outside. The pain escalating until I want to curl up into a ball and whimper with the force of it. The thunder rolls through me, scooping out bone marrow as it moves through. The electricity from lightning in the air streaks along my nerve pathways sizzling and shocking me from head to toe. My muscles bunch and knot painfully as I tense. Then they smooth out as I concentrate on relaxing my body so I don't add to the pain. Sound makes me want to cover my ears to try and block it out. Each sound is separate, distinct, then jumbles together to produce pain. No one can touch me because my skin is so sensitive. The smallest puff of air across my skin has tears welling in my eyes. I want out of my body but am held prisoner as I am assaulted without mercy, second by second so that time begins to blur.

I never feel as if I can adequately describe what I feel, what RSD does to me. What do you think? Did these words make an impact? Can you understand, a little? Why does RSD have to be so complicated? Other health conditions are easier to describe, but never RSD.

Despite the turmoil storms create for me, I still love them. Nothing can strip me of the pleasure of the elements and nature. It is something that lives in my blood. Why give it up for RSD when wringing the pleasure from it feels so much better? It is a choice and mine is to live. I choose to grab onto every moment of life and drain it dry. Life is made for living.

Mother's Day

2009-05-11T00:20:00.002-04:00

Mother's day was good. After Gil got off work he went to pick up my oldest daughter, her boyfriend and my youngest son to bring them here for a little while. I got to feel my grandson Tristan kicking for the first time! *has a super silly big grin on my face that blinds all who look my way* It was sooooo awesome! I took three pics of her belly too. I'll add those to my Flickr tomorrow when I download them and resize them. She is 32 weeks now. I can't believe how close she is getting to having Tristan. She's not as big as I thought she would be either. I have other pics of her belly she's posted, so it's not like I haven't seen her belly before. It's different seeing it in person. I'm revising my estimated birth weight down. I thought he'd most likely weigh over 7 lbs, but I'm thinking it may be 6 lbs something. I was 6 lbs 9 oz at birth. I have guess it may be around that. I still have this deep feeling he'll be born at the end of next month.

My pain thankfully stayed away all day and just began to climb a couple of hours ago. Oh, almost forgot, I'll post a pic in the post tomorrow of my Mother's day present. I really hope other RSD mommies had a low pain day too. We certainly deserve a break on our special day.

I have a swing and baby bath for Tristan now. I have a crib, car seat, soft foam changing pad and 3 crib sheet sets coming. I'm set for the little man when he's here. I'm going to buy wipes, bath stuff, bottles and other assorted baby needs every week. She won't have to bring anything but diapers and formula for him. She won't even need that if I can stock up and/or buy them ourselves.

I'm not feeling very creative tonight. I am having a lot of trouble thinking of words and how to string them together. I really hate I have a problem like this. RSD really sucks! At times like this I feel around 80 years old. Not just any 80 year old, but one with dementia and Alzheimer's. *sigh* I'm going on 40 and feel as if I'm falling apart.

Why Should I....

2009-05-10T01:23:00.003-04:00

give a rat's arse why 90% of the population is apathetic? It's not just 90% of the population as a whole, it's only those who have RSD. Figured I should be more clear about that lest someone accuse me of being a people hater. I have to get this off my chest or it is going to eat me alive!

In May 2003, a month or so after being diagnosed with RSD, the writer side of me sprang into action. A really great idea popped into my Big Brain. I researched, I took notes, I emptied cartridge after cartridge of printer ink. In researching RSD I looked for how many people had it. I was shocked when I couldn't find them. I found guesstimates. The low side of 200,000(laughable), up to 8 million people with RSD in the United States. I looked for surveys. A couple had been done but still gave no concrete numbers. Not like there is with depression where x million people are dealing with it. MS, x million have it and x number are diagnosed each year. I could go on but I think you get the picture.

I was already mulling over my idea, a book about RSD. I wanted some concrete numbers for my book. I wanted to prove this was not a rare disorder. I didn't want it to be all facts and data but I need those numbers! I pulled out paper, grabbed a pen and made up my own survey. If no one else could take the time, I sure as heck would. I also wanted stories. The lives of those who have RSD telling how it affects their lives, their bodies, how it changed everything and how it affected those around them. I didn't want them to write a book, just their tale of RSD.

I was so excited to be doing something. I was going to conquer the world, bring awareness to all. This is why I got RSD. I found I had a purpose for the first time in my life. There was a reason I had survived this long. In 2 years, May 2003 to May 2005 I had a whopping total of 55 people take my RSD survey. A handful who wrote their stories. That's it. I was stunned and baffled. The internet lines fairly vibrated with the outrage of millions with RSD screaming. Wanting awareness, education and for RSD to be as well known as MS, breast cancer and others. Here I was on my way to doing it and a measly amount of people took the time to help me. Why?

I have no answer, even today. Six long years have gone by and I still can't understand. The same things are being said today in regard to RSD. I decided to try again. Maybe this time it would go better. I'm sorry to report it hasn't. I posted the results I have so far on a couple of boards. One board shows 33 people have viewed it, none have responded. The other board there are now over 200 views and not even a quarter of them have asked to take the survey. Apathy still has a choke hold while everyone sits around whining and complaining about the same thing. I have had 2 handfuls so far fill out the survey.

I'm tired of trying. I'm sick of people flapping their mouths, whining, moaning, complaining. I'm fed up with people who won't get off their ass and DO SOMETHING!

I want to publicly thank those who have taken it so far. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart. You are awesome and among the few who aren't just all talk. Thank you for every compliment you have given me for doing something. I don't feel special. I don't feel I am worthy of the heartfelt words. I will accept them with grace and remember each one of you forever. I will continue fighting because it's who I am. I will not give up no matter what because it's who I am. Thank you all for believing in me. Thank you for giving me a reason to never quit.

Ireland, Come Travel With Me

2009-05-08T23:22:00.007-04:00

I thought tonight we'd travel. Come with me while I travel around Ireland. The beautiful scenery, the emerald green grass, sheer cliffs dropping to the raging ocean below. This and more is Ireland. The land which holds so much history and emotion. You can feel people from days past whisper in your ear as you walk the land. Feel the vibration of Ireland herself. I can't go to Ireland in life so I will settle for this. My heart yearns to go. My blood screams with the need to go Home. I know more than one past life was spent there. This lifetime I feel as if I'm living in exile, and it hurts. So, I'll let my heart be buoyed through pictures of home...for now.

Doesn't this make you shiver, in a good way? I can almost hear the sound of the water crashing against the rocks. Feel the spray of the water. Taste the salt in the air. The beauty of the Ireland coast is absolutely breathtaking.

The timeless beauty of the Celtic cross. The crosses we see in Ireland today were constructed up until the mid 12th century. They were most often used as boundary markers for places where parishes intersected. Also used as monuments around monasteries, cathedrals and churches. They were not used as gravestones. The newer crosses have become more popular as gravestones starting in the 1850's. The Celtic cross predates Christianity and began appearing as early as the 7th century. I have always loved the beauty of them and have a Celtic cross tat on my arm.

The simple elegance of the Irish house. When I see houses in Ireland, especially ones with a thatched roof, I can see in my mind the family who may have lived there. I watch as they go about their day, hear the laughter, the pounding of children's feet. Seeing the love and closeness they share, leading a simple life. The mother who is stern but loving. Scolding the children while wagging her finger at them, promising dire consequences should they continue to misbehave. The moments she tries to scold them but instead ends up smiling and laughing because the child is too cute to stay mad at. She lovingly slaps his behind as he scurries off giggling. Mom still smiling that mommy smile knowing trouble will find him again before the day is through.

My past, my present, my future is Ireland. The one spot on earth which is able to sing to me. Composed of sweet, haunting tunes and wild, feet stomping music. The wind flowing over the land carrying with it the voices of legends past. Strolling through the countryside and glimpsing the elusive Fae. Smiling because I swear I heard tinkling laughter.

This is a small taste of Ireland and all that she is. If you ever go, would you send me pictures? Even a small memento or two is always welcomed. *grins*

Laughing,Kids,Pain and Stuff

2009-05-07T22:29:00.002-04:00

Yes, I'm going to cover it all tonight! You get a total 3 ring circus of laughing, stuff about kids, stuff about pain and just stuff. I find my brain is all over the place tonight. It's a whirlwind in there with debris flying everywhere. Sort of like a tornado. We can hope the flying cow won't make an appearance though.

Laughing. This happened because of my oh so adorable, bug eating, lizard catching fur babies. Ahhh yes, got to love them! 2 days ago now Shanni at a very BIG bug. How do I know? The wings. O.M.G!! They were some pretty big wings, see through with a black stripe on each one. No, I don't know what kind it was. I just know it was big by the size of them suckers. I did not catch this *gulp* eating thing until it was all gone. I noticed Fuzzy Butt and Furry Tail sitting close, huddled, in conference, casting furtive looks toward to sliding glass door. This always means they've got a "bug". I leaped out screaming, NO,OMG, NO NO NO! As Fuzzy Butt looks at me, innocence all over her cute face, "What?" *licks chops* "I'm not doing nothing" *licks chops* Let's say it again...O.M.G! GROSS. It was all gone, only 4 huge wings left lying on the ground, not so much as a big leg anywhere. *shudders in disgust* Oh yeah, gross.

Oh, the laughing part...that was today. They both come charging in the house, hot on the trail of something. I was starting to shake wondering what the hell they may have chased right into my house. Me, alone, scared of all things crawly and squirmy. Hoping, praying it was a lizard. I move shoes, *an undignified girly scream erupts, abruptly cut off* Yep, it's a lizard. Not a huge one, thank goodness. The way it shot out, right toward me is what produced the sound erupting from my mouth. I'm sooo not a girly girl either. My voice actually changed when I hit puberty, it got a little deeper. No, I am not kidding. No, I do not sound like a man. I have a sexy voice. Lots of people told me so. *sniffs haughtily* I somehow manage to get it out the door and set it free, sides heaving, sucking in air. Not me, the lizard.

Kids part. Kids are precious and special. It sucks being an empath sometimes. I lived the first 25 or so years of my life feeling different, but not knowing why. Not that it bothered me much really. I was a very shy girl. Make it painfully shy. I had red hair, freckles and glasses. 'Nuff said. Add what I felt inside, it produces a introverted people watching, nature loving, devoted reader, writer and trying not to get close to people. Holding myself aloof. *snorts* That didn't work all the time. It was easy to do with everyone in my family. Except my grandma, grandpa and mee maw who I adored till the day they died.

Ok, so more laughing came from reading this blog. What a ride this woman has been on, is still on, will always be on. I admire her, I laughed with her, I cried and my heart twisted. Each time I read about the loss of another woman's child, her struggles with a child who is sick, it has me saying, Thank the Goddess. I do what other mother's do and am thankful my children are ok, healthy. It's no disrespect to them, goodness no! It's just normal and entirely human. Each time I read the blogs of these women, I have the utmost admiration, respect and just plain awe of them. I wonder had anything been different would I be handling things as well? I can answer yes, I would. My children are my world and I am a tigress, a wolf. I have more to read on her journey to now. I start at the beginning and work my way to the present.

Pain is pain. The four letter cuss word I loathe and hate lately. The word that tries to drag me down, P.A.I.N. Nope, it won't. I refuse to let it no matter how bad it wants to be. I have better things to do, thankyouverymuch! I said to Gil earlier that I'm sick and tired of the pills. It seems on some days I am taking something every half an hour. It's not that often but days like yesterday and today, it feels like it. Tomorrow I'm sure I'll be over this. Pain will never, ever, in a million, billion years take me down.

My RSD survey I made up one month after I was diagnosed is struggling to find new life. The first time, May 2003 to May 2005 I had 55 people respond. It disgusts me how so many sit around whining, complaining, moaning about the need for awareness. The need to educate others about RSD. Show people it is not rare, show them this and that. Yet, when it comes down to DOING SOMETHING...they do NOTHING!! It makes me angry. The apathy they show. I guess whining is easier than doing. It's a survey for pete sake! I started a book at the time as well. A book about RSD which would feature some facts, squash myths, but most of all would show in vivid detail the millions of us with RSD. It would feature the real stories and voices of RSD. Sharing with the world how it affects us and our families. I received a handful of stories, literally a handful. This makes me even more angry. I'm not asking for your life story, just a piece of it. Maybe this time I'll get a better response. It doesn't appear that way, but I hope. I posted my results so far on 2 boards. Last time I look 18 people had read it on one board. The only 2 people who responded were ones who had already done it. The other board, 12 people had read it and no one responded. Apathy at it's finest everyone.

Disabilities

2009-05-05T22:39:00.003-04:00

A lot of the people inhabiting this marble we live on has disabilities. Some are very apparent, others are not. The latter category are invisible disabilites. CRPS is one of them, Fibro is another. There are many others but you get the idea. It's the ones of us who live with invisible disabilites that can suffer greatly.

We suffer from people who judge us with one swift glance because we look perfectly "normal." The people who are and/or look young are judged quite harshly. There's the look of "Oh my, I wonder what's wrong with her.", or "What's wrong with her? I bet she's just faking it." Yeah, like we want to be a 90 year old trapped in a young body. It's how we get our kicks. Don't forget all the pity we receive too. We're faking it so well that we have completely snowed our doctors and the people who approve us to get disability. *snorts* We're all secretly rich too. We're famous in Hollywood because we are the BEST actresses in the world!

We suffer at the hands of people who are supposed to care for us. Judged by too many people as being some kind of drug seeking junkie who can't wait to get the next fix. We love taking all these pills. Can't you see the joy in our eyes?

Alice, a person with CRPS I know emailed me a rant she had posted online. She is also a very good friend of mine. She lives in hell daily while getting screwed by everyone. She gave me her permission to use it here.

"Feeling the need to rant tonight, I left the house for the first time in 3 days after an ER visit and don't want to leave again until I have to see the doctor on Thursday. I never want to leave the house again because I can't take it anymore. Yes I'm one bitter person at the moment. I don't need to be told that, I'm well aware.

I use a walker, I'm slow, I can't help it, I tick, I twitch and if a noise hits me wrong I might just scream. I've tried being a smiley, happy, whatever disabled person and I'm sick of the downright rudeness of people here. I'm sick of the stares, the dirty looks as I park in a handicapped spot and get the walker out of the back seat of the car. The she must be faking it looks because someone my age (37) can't possibly need a walker. I have a permit and an Illinois disabled person card to prove it. Some days I might feel perfectly normal, but most I don't. I made the mistake of leaving the house without the crutches before I got the walker once. I learned my lesson. That something as simple as a trip to the grocery store without some sort of walking assistant device isn't possible anymore.

I'm sorry I'm slow in the store and it's going to take you an extra minute to go around me and/or the person that is nice enough to help me shop. There is no need to be rude to the person helping me out. There is no excuse for pushing her out of the way so you can get what you want faster. There is no need to miss me with your shopping carts by only an inch as you go rushing by. There is no need for the nasty "Excuse Me" (you know the one where you look like you have a bit of poo under your nose and it stinks) when you and/or your uncontrolled kid/s almost run into me or run me over. (I've decided that "excuse me" is code here in Illinois for F you by the way). Please control your children in the store, there are playgrounds for letting them run loose. They are a danger to me and people like me. You wouldn't let them behave like that around their grandparents or other family member with a walker. I and every person with a walker/crutches/cane, etc. deserve the same respect. For that matter, I'm sorry to be moving too slow for the employees of the store to get around me without almost knocking me over on their way to whatever their manager wants them to do. I actually had a guy take the cart I was using one day from me as I was leaving the store. Leaving me to carry bags with crutches to my car, no offer of assistance, just, I'll take that cart so he didn't have to go and retrieve it later.

While I appreciate it, I really do, I don't need you stopping to let me cross in the parking lot and getting nasty when I wave you on. I know full good and well it will take me five minutes to cross that particular patch of pavement, and that one of the idiots that are pulling up behind you is probably going to decide they can't wait and run around you and almost hit me anyway. I know this because it has happened on more than one occasion around town. I know that you're trying to be nice. But trust me, I've only been at this whole disabled thing for about 5 months and I've learned to be wary of parking lots for just this reason.

If you want to know what is wrong with me, ask, but don't argue with me, or tell me that can't possibly be what is wrong with me. Don't tell me I don't look that sick, or one of my personal favorites, it'll get better soon. CHRONIC means it's not going away. I don't need to be told to go to the chiropractor, he's not going to be able to help. I'm tired of politely fending off medical advice. Don't tell me I need what kind of doctor I need to see unless you are that doctor and are willing to treat me for free. But at least you ask and don't stare, point or laugh. I know it's funny when I walk backwards or sideways instead of going forward, or when I'm having what I call a "twitchy" day and jerk or a noise hits me wrong and I scream or stand there rocking with my hands over my ears. I know you mean well, but I know what is wrong with me, what my prognosis is and that my doctors are doing their best to kill me. I'm on an HMO which as far as I'm concerned stands for Huge Moneymaking Organization. There is no profit in curing me they want to keep me as sick as long as they can so I can end up on Medicaid and Disability so they will be guaranteed payment for my "treatment" Yes bitter here too.

Thank you for listening to my rant and I'm sorry my disability is slowing down your rush to whatever. It is not like I planned this, I thought oh let's go and ruin whoever's day. Please don't take my slowness as a personal offense, I'm not out to ruin your day. Trust me, I'd rather not be taking up your precious time. I'd rather be doing something I used to enjoy, like hiking or yoga. Or for that matter being normal and secretly thinking thank the Gods it's not me, we all do it whether we want to admit to it or not.

The reply:Waaaa waaaa waaa people aren't nice to me. People aren't considerate enough. Please stay in your house, your exactly like the chumps I saw at the Secretary of States office that complain because they have to wait. Nothing is good enough for you people. If it were truly survival of the fittest you would be dead remember that next time you complain no one is nice enough for you. You would be dead if society didn't take care of you. EVERYONE HAS TO WAIT, NO ONE LIKES IT. GET OVER IT, and get on with your life being a shut in with your 1000 cats you fat loser.

P.S. Enjoy your walker I am going for a jog."

There it is, harsh judgment from some dumb ass who doesn't know her. He obviously didn't read her rant. She had this to say below the rant: "I don't even feel the need dignify this response with a reply, but for the record, so not fat and society isn't taking care of me, I'm allergic to cats, and did you read the rant? I don't care about waiting, I'd just rather not be run down while doing so. LOL"

Her rant really does say it all when it comes to those of us living with an invisible disability.

Alien Body

2009-05-05T00:53:00.010-04:00

This afternoon I grabbed my camera to take some pics of my legs. Trying to capture the weirdness that is my skin thanks to CRPS. Wanting to see if the discoloration of my skin can be captured. I haven't attempted to take any pictures in quite awhile and many changes have happened. I was sitting there contorting my body trying to get these pictures from different angles. I got some good pics. It was worth the pain to get them. I also saw something I hadn't even noticed before. My knees. I was reviewing a picture I had just taken and they looked freaking weird!! My gaze jerked to the aforementioned part of my anatomy and widened in surprise. Holy cow! They look funny because they're swollen. *picks jaw up off floor and shuts mouth* I tentatively reached my hand toward these two foriegn things and poked at one. Quickly snatching my hand back as if my own knees were going to bite me. *laugh snort* For a few minutes I was positively entranced by them. I poked them some more, becoming bold by leaving my hand and fingers within reach of these aliens. There were tiny water balloons shoved beneath my skin.

All this time I thought the only spot on my body with very minor swelling were my ankles. I had very severe swelling from just above my left knee to my foot when CRPS hit me. When I learned to walk on my own it mysteriously disappeared. It took half a second or less for the swelling to appear when I had my leg down. Then one day, gone. I can't even tell you when or what day it disappeared. One day I couldn't sit like a normal person, one day I could. I'm still stunned by what I saw in my knees today. I will have to pay much closer attention to my body. The whole of me and not just the stupid sores and dry skin.

My Man Kitty hunted in vain today for prey. He didn't catch any lizards or come close to catching any. I feel kind of bad for him. He had such a successful hunt yesterday and nothing today. I could almost feel his disappointment. The good news is Shanni didn't catch any either. I think the two Gil rescued from Connor yesterday warned all the other lizards and told them not to venture near our courtyard. The snapping kitty jaws of death and claws of doom would be the death of them all!

Randomness In My Brain

2009-05-04T01:27:00.002-04:00

Or is that randomness from my brain? Maybe randomness in my demented brain.....nah, sounds funny. Randomness in the space between my ears otherwise known as my Big Brain? Think of some yourself and have fun.

First is the BIG news. My baby Connor is 1 year old today!!!! *big grin* He is an Official Grown Up Kitty now. I have a little story to tell. For all of the 1 year Connor has been alive, he has never caught any bugs on his own. He's chased a few slowly crawly bugs, placing his humongous paw on them. Then looking up at me as if to say, "What bug mom? I don't see no bug." Trying his best to look innocent. Well, yesterday afternoon between 2 pm and 3 pm, my baby officially became a Man Kitty. He caught not one, but two very big lizards. All by his gigantic, lumbering self. *sniffs* The first one he carried into the house so he could share with Gil and me his "kill" and the pride I know he felt at that moment. About 20 minutes or so later he grabbed another big one. To say I am a proud mama is an understatement. I am fair to bursting with pride and love for my Man Kitty. *has a grin so big it's bout splittin my face in two* *pauses* Ok, I just realized that last bit I wrote starting with I am fair...came out sounding very much like a redneck, hillbilly, whatever other name which is bandied about in the south. I can't help it simply because I come from a a long line of them. I must add, No, no one in my family is called Jim Bob, Billy Bob or anything other 2 word name. No, we do not have any You're my Uncle, Brother, Daddy thing going on. Sorry if this disappoints you.

I pulled up the article I was doing and finished it tonight. It turned out really good. I took a picture of my leg, a close up, to go with my article. You can see things aren't quite right with the skin. It's quite appropriate since my article is about skin issues. I am feeling really happy and quite proud of myself. I can't wait till it's published so you can all read it. Then you can bask in the Awesomeness of Me and my Big Brain. *snorts* Can you tell I'm feeling much better about my writing?

What else? I wrote up a short bio to be posted on a RSD/CRPS website. It's a website started by two very awesome women who also share the hell that is RSD/CRPS. One of them, Cool K, invited me to be a part of her organization on the Advisory Board. The words put together make for a impressive title don't they? It is a fantastic addition to the resume I am beginning to build. I hope to be a valuable, productive asset to them. If you would like to check out the website, it is in my favorite websites to the right by the name of RSD/CRPS Lifesavers.

I know there was more I wanted to say. For the life of me I can't remember what else there was. *scratches head* Oh well, I'll think of whatever it was as I snuggle down and drifting off to sleep. I'm also in pain right now which is why I'm still up. It's hard to sleep when you have pain oozing from your pores from head to toe. Not complaining or anything, just stating a fact.

Ok, I guess I will just wander off into the sunset now. Oh....dang it, almost forgot. Geri, I know you're reading this. I can pimp your blog for you. This can be done one of two ways. I can explain to you how it's done, or you can find templates you like. I'll send you the links to good sites and I can log onto your blog myself and pimp it for you. *grins* Up to you girlfriend! Send me an email with your decision.

Relax

2009-05-03T01:41:00.002-04:00

Well hello! *gives a cheeky grin* It's a wonderful day!! Errrr...*looks at the time* Ok, yesterday was a wonderful day and I'm sure today will be too. It's sunny, the blue sky so clear, stretching into forever. I took a break today and did nothing. I indexed some census', read my book and generally futzed around. I was determined not to let my pain and writing ruin what little is left of my sanity. I'll step back up to the plate tomorrow with fresh eyes and attitude.

I realized some things about myself over the years as I healed from the abuse I survived. I have always been a perfectionist. Everything had to be perfect, had to look a certain way. I, of course, was never satisfied with anything I did. It was never good enough. As as having perfectionitis wasn't bad enough, my dad drilled into me, "If you're gonna do something, do it right the first time." I heard, "Don't you dare screw up and it better be perfect or I'll have to do it over for you!" Because of this, I was never satisfied with anything I did. I always criticized myself very harshly and hated the little imperfections I saw. I've been told time and time again by others that (insert writing, clay creation, bead jewelry) they can't see a dang thing wrong with it. It was awesome, pretty, etc. I tried to look at it objectively as I could. I still found my eyes drawn to those teensy weensy flaws. They were the reason I didn't want it seen by the public. Others would see it and tell me it sucked. After all, says that nasty little voice inside my head, the ones telling you it's perfect, awesome, etc, are your friends! Of course they are going to say that. They don't want to hurt your feelings.

So fear grasped me in its razor sharp claws, piercing my skin painfully when I sucked up enough courage to put my "thing" out there. To avoid this, I stayed still. I let fear hold me close while I simply stopped trying at all. I still wrote and did other things I love to do. It became a hobby, something I really liked to do. Until the lack of jobs came along, the struggle to make it each week, seeing the post about AC. I figured I would give it a shot.

I have and I find I love writing more than ever. I have things to say, people to educate. Then, fear steps in again. I look at my work and think it's not good enough, it sucks, I'm no good at this, no one wants to read what I'm writing. This grabbed me yesterday and I felt despair. Wanting to be successful at something. Doing something to make money from home when I had given up on ever finding anything. Needing to be a success, to jump in, get all these words and ideas out of my head. Hoping by the end of 6 months I'd be making a decent enough second income so Gil doesn't have to worry about getting another job. To hope by the end of one year I'm making more and steadily marching toward bringing in a full-time income all from the comfort of my couch.

I am still new to writing articles and for the web. I am scared I'm not that good after all. There's no way I'll succeed in bringing in a steady part-time income never mind a full-time one. I am turning to stare fear in the eye, spit in its eyes, scream at the top of my lungs as I break free of his relentless hold. I WILL succeed, I AM good and with time will get better. In time it will stop being a struggle as the words paint the picture I see in my head. I have to scream and say I can, I can, I can, to drown out what has held me back for way too long. I WILL NOT cower anymore as I have done for 39 years.

Swine Flu and

2009-05-01T22:46:00.002-04:00

panic. *heaves a big sigh* I'm so sick of hearing the words swine flu and H1N1 virus I could scream!!!! The media is not anyone's friend. If it weren't for them this wouldn't be such a big damn deal! The word pandemic is thrown about so casually, people are on the verge of full blown panic and buying out hand sanitizer like there won't be any tomorrow. Well, there may not be the way it's going. A few hundred people does not a pandemic make!!!!!!! Holy freaking carp people! It's not even an epidemic for Goddess sake. When will people stop being knee jerk reactionists running around screaming "It's the End of the World! Prepare to DIE!" Yeah sure.....it's the flu, get over it. The only reason so many have died in Mexico is due to the atrocious health "care." Have you truly watched the news stories they have done from there? Heard the stories of the people? Obviously not. Go to the doctor, get some antibiotic shoved at you that probably won't even work, go home, wear a mask. They don't want to deal with them. I'm pretty sure all the ones who have died so far are also very poor. They can't afford to get any medical care and live in the country, in BFE. The new prediction on numbers for the US.....Maybe 1,700 cases by the end of May. Whatever. That's not even enough, added to the ones who have gotten it so far, to class as an epidemic. Oh yeah......NO ONE in the US has died. Why? We have access to medical care, even the poorest of us.

Ok, enough of that. I really had to get that out of my system. On to other "news" in the world of Karen. I am almost screaming in frustration at my lack of getting any writing done today. I have tried working on it, several times. I know it is a piece of crap! I'm not making my point, the sentences are choppy and disjointed. I did the smart thing and stepped away early this afternoon. I could feel my frustration and unhappiness mounting. No words were spilling from me onto the virtual page. I knew if I kept trying to work on it the article would only become even worse. That would result in deleting the whole thing and having to start over. I don't want to do that. I don't think it's too much to ask to be able to turn in one article a day at this point. There is a lag time between publishing because of the 7-9 days it waits to be reviewed, approved and paid. If I could pick up the pace they would come more closely. I can only rip my hair out as I question the wisdom of trying to write articles in the first place.

The lack of cheer and good news fits me tonight. I'm sorry if I drag you under. The struggle taking place within me at the moment is a phase. I will get through it, past it and come out the other side happier and feeling pride and satisfaction again. Right now....not so much. Gentle hugs to all.

Being Grateful

2009-04-30T22:46:00.002-04:00

This pain will not leave me alone!!! I'm thoroughly sick and tired of feeling like this. Day 5....or is it 6? Regardless, in honor of the P word, I will resist its attempts to drag me under and make me miserable. I will retaliate by listing the things I am grateful for today. I will not let it drown me, I will not let it take my humor and laughter, I will not let it rule my life.

I am grateful:

1) For my grandson Tristan. Even though he has not been born yet, he is a great motivation to make it through each day. He gives me something to look forward to for however many years I will live.

2) For the health of Tristan's mommy as she carries him inside of her.

3) For all my children who are safe, well and happy.

4) For Gil who is my rock and my port in the storm named RSD/CRPS

5) The beautiful day full of blue skies and bright sun.

6) To hear the birds as they talk to each other.

7) To see the birds flying through the air and performing stunts as if they were acrobats.

8) For my 2 fur babies. They give me a lot of joy and laughter. They don't care what is wrong with me, they love me.

9) For having a nice home, clean clothes and food. Too many have none of these things.

10) For pain. It reminds me I am alive. I don't fight it, I embrace it.

Phone Fun

2009-04-29T21:57:00.009-04:00

It's day 4 of higher pain level. I'm tired of fighting it. A spot in my neck started hurting earlier and every breath I take stabs pain through that one spot. Oh, not to leave out the rest of my body which has various descriptions of pain everywhere.

My bestest friend in the whole world, well one of them, called me tonight. Checking in for her once every 3 months update and talking marathon. It was between 3 and 4 hours, our usual. *chuckles* I can't remember, but I'm sure we've talked longer. Only a dead phone could thus end the night. She distracted me, pulling me back from the brink of the abyss which threatened to swallow me. Nothing like friends to keep you going, even in the darkest hours.

There was much drama going on in my old neighborhood, her current one, tonight. The T-ster had a front row seat for it all. I could see in my mind, listening to the exchange going on. She of course had to describe this brave or stupid little oompa-loompa* facing down the giant known as Tree. It's a name which fits him. Every inch of Tree's 10 mile long legs, his head hovering somewhere in the heavens. I've often wondered if he's ever seen anything good up there. The T man, he could break the oompa-loompa in two like a twig. I believe he said later he was expecting the oompa-loompa to sock him in the family jewels any second! I am very glad that didn't happen though. Retribution would have been swift and bloody as the T-ster tore the stupid little man limb from limb.

We had lots of laughs and giggles when she found my post here, on googleing Blank needs and seeing what comes up. For your amusement I'm listing a few. *grins* T-ster needs a forever family, poor thing has been an orphan for so long now. *sniff* T-ster needs our prayers again. Yup, again. I'm starting to get weary of praying. They're never answered! T-ster needs to get her sails up and shake! See, even google knows she hasn't had her sails filled and body shook for too long now. T-ster need to consult with a fashion advisor. *snorts* No she does not!! She's supremely fashionable thankyouverymuch! On a slightly different one, T-ster gets her Mellons out!! *gasps* I see she's at it again. Little hussy always pulling her Mellons out. *tsk,tsk*

She so totally teased me with this.....

I could really use this mobile home. *drools* I don't think I would have any problems with feeling vibrations coming through the vehicle like I do in a normal car. Just the hour it takes to go the doc, get my scrips and go home again, raises my pain level so much I end up on the couch unable to do much for the next 2 or 3 days. I could see the world in this. *sighs* Since I'm a little short on cash at the moment, please feel free to donate to my I Need This Really Bad Pretty Please Fund. A few hundred *cough* million *cough* should cover it. *gives my best you know you wanna smile*

Thanks T-ster for making my night and getting me through.

Good Day,Bad Night

2009-04-29T01:13:00.002-04:00

It was a good day, mostly. My daughter ended up with some trojan infecting her computer. It was one of those that will never be caught by the anti-virus programs. It wouldn't even let me run McAfee to scan and remove. I had to download a program and wait forever while it dealt with the intruder and expelled it. It worked and all is well in Laptop Land once again. I ripped all my hair so now I'm very bald. Not that I mind. *grins*

I feel good because despite it all, I wrote one article and started another. Futzing with Patience's computer for so long took away precious time and a lot of my creativity. I couldn't seem to think of the right words! If it hadn't been for that, I would have gotten the 2nd one written too. Tomorrow I'm going to get to it first thing. I will hopefully, barring any catastrophes, edit and proofread both articles and then turn them in. Maybe I can write one or two more and turn them in on Thursday. I want to be more productive and pick up the publishing. Right now it seems like a very long wait between articles.

I'm feeling too tired and brain dead tonight, so I'll just mosey off and go to bed.

RSD and Family Issues

2009-04-27T21:39:00.005-04:00

I've seen a few posts from other RSD'ers on family issues. It is definitely a real issue for us and also one of the more troubling aspects of having RSD. In families that have always been close, the family issues can send you spiraling into depression. No one likes to be abandoned. Even less, a person hates to be ridiculed by those they love and made to feel like a junkie and/or faking it. This can cause someone to begin doubting themselves. Doubting the diagnosis and even worse, doubting what they feel physically.

Living life with RSD is hard enough without adding family issues on top of it. At a critical point in our lives, when we need the support of those we love the most, we feel betrayed. We need them to care enough, to love us enough, to click a link or tap a few words into the nearest search engine and read up on RSD. What is it, how it affects us, the symptoms, heck go read the entries on the nearest RSD board or two. Plenty of posts in forums to give anyone who cares to look a glimpse into our lives.

I don't have any solid answers to give to people on what to do or how to handle talking about RSD with the family. I do have experience with the not caring, not understanding bit. I feel they judge me from afar. They've made no effort to ask me about RSD, ask me where would be the best sites for information. My dad has made a couple of comments that make me laugh and infuriate me at the same time. My favorite one is I will become addicted/am addicted to the pain med. Another is one I've heard from other RSD'ers, I need to get out of the house more. *snort* Sure, that'll solve my problems I'm sure.

Here are some suggestions I've offered others with RSD on various boards in talking to family.

1) Print out The Spoon Theory story for your family. It's the first link which opens in a PDF document. I have loved this story since I read it. In a simple, yet moving way, it accurately describes the way we approach our days.

2) The website RSD Hope has a vast library of articles to read. This has been my most favorite site.

3) Another great website is RSDSA. They have built up a good library of articles on the various areas dealing with RSD, such as Children, Surgery and Treatments to name a few.

4) If you have family that live close, invite them to dinner. I suggest only a couple of people at a time, like your parents or a sibling and spouse, and talk to them. I do not suggest having a big family reunion to explain things. *grin* If your spouse is one of the ones who you'd like to understand, do the above and also schedule a night alone together, or a time after the kids are in bed, to sit down, talk and be open and honest.

5) Write a good old-fashioned letter or an email. Explain RSD to them in simple terms. Stick to the point and put in sites to go check out. Explain to your family why you can't plan anything ahead of time, and most importantly be honest about how you feel.

6) Getting your spouse or family member to come to the doctor with you is also good. Sometimes hearing something from a doctor carries more weight. It will help them understand faster, hopefully. I know some have "bad" doctors. The doctors who know nothing or next to nothing about RSD to begin with and have no interest in learning. If you, like me, have a good doctor who is knowledgeable about RSD and treatments, then try to have them come to one appointment. You could also ask your doctor at one visit if during the next visit he/she would take a few moments to explain to the spouse or family member a little about RSD. Since medication issues are there maybe he/she could also explain why you take the medications you do and the difference between addiction, tolerance and dependence.

I won't tell you any of this will solve all your problems. They won't magically understand RSD at once, but it's a beginning. It is a small step to open up communication with the family. Family issues can be complicated, even without RSD. With it, they can become even more so. There will be some who just don't "get it" and probably never will. Though it's easier said than done, you should not waste your thoughts or energy on them. You have a write to be upset and angry with them, but do not let it eat you up. It will only cause you pain, both physically and mentally. Stress is bad for us, we all know that. It's not good for anyone! For us though, it causes more pain. That is one thing we don't need more of.

All you can do is try to educate them, but in the end, they have to be the ones who make a decision. They will "get it", as much as they can without having RSD themselves, or they won't. I always hope family issues have a happy ending but sometimes there isn't one. Take comfort in knowing you are not alone in dealing with family issues. *gentle hugs to all who need it*

Lazy Day

2009-04-25T21:51:00.002-04:00

I took a lazy day today. I had the intention of being productive and getting things done. I got absolutely nothing done! The P word had other plans for me today. Hard to make the brain work properly when it's being battered by alternating waves of "stuff". It's the only word I can think of to describe it collectively. Individually, it's many different words, like the P word-pain, ache, muscles ripping, stretching, spasms, grinding of bones, stabbing, shooting pain, flare up of bonfires beneath my skin, being stabbed with a zillion ice picks, skin crawling, skin so sensitive it hurts and I want to crawl out of my body, sweating, feeling as if I'm being electrocuted. That last one is loads of fun. Is that enough?!? More than, in my oh so humble opinion. There's more ways I could describe the sensations I feel but my gray matter ran out of steam.

Ok, enough about my crappy, whacked out body I would loooove to replace.

A couple of days ago, my friends came over. She asked me if I was still sleeping on the couch. Even as I opened my mouth to answer her, my brain paused. I've been sleeping on the couch for so long, I don't think about it. To people who don't know me, they'd probably make the assumption that Gil and I are moments away from divorce. She and her hubby are the only ones still in my life who knew me before rsd.(backtrack to insert: I swear Geri and Tammy it's the Really Shitty Disease that caused temporary amnesia! The two aforementioned are both still in my life and knew me Before as well. We met in high school and have been part of each others lives since then.) She and her hubby were right there with us watching me go through hell caught in the work comp trap. She held me a few times as I cried from pain, anger and frustration.

I sleep on the couch because of the rsd. I can sometimes make it up the stairs. Lots of days it's too much to do that even. It's the coming down the stairs that is scary. I've come >< close to taking a header down the stairs here and at our old place. When I wake up I can barely walk and it would take far too long to get down the stairs on my butt. It's only one adjustment to my life since rsd. Another is going up the stairs on all fours. *giggles* I know it looks funny but hey, I gotta do what I gotta do to be safe! My joints feel like they're locked up and the bones in my hips, legs, and especially my feet, feel as if they are going to shatter into dust. It takes all I can muster to make it into the kitchen and grab a soda so I can get my meds in me.

I don't mind it too much. We bought a daybed for a couch because I spend a lot of time on it. It has a mattress, so I still have a bed. I miss curling up to Gil at night, but we sacrifice that little comfort for my safety. I know he misses it too. You do what you have to when life happens. The best part is I don't have to make my bed. *big smile* *smile falters a little* Ummm....I just remembered, I never made my bed even when I was sleeping in it. So, either way, it's all good!

I'm really struggling tonight to get words out. I hate this. Guess I'll quit while the quitting is good and see what tomorrow brings.

Urges

2009-04-24T22:34:00.004-04:00

Those who know me well know when I start getting urges, things could get dangerous. My urges in the past led to rearranging the house while Gil was at work. Tonight the urge isn't something that physical. It's much simpler and doesn't involve turning into he-woman. I'm getting tired of my blog. I struggle with the 2 devils on my shoulders. The Good Angel who says, "It looks fine!" The Mischievous Devil who says, "No it doesn't. Go forth and play!" The good news for all 4 of my loyal readers is, I will not disrupt my blog with redecorating. I researched how to tweak layouts. I've learned new things. I'm happy I have some knowledge about HTML. You'll show up one day and nothing will be the same! MMMWWWHAAAAAAAA!!!! I just can't help myself.

In other news, Patience is one kick butt artist! I'm going to sweet talk her into giving up some more drawings for me to scan. *Pause* I'm sitting here in 10 kinds of pain wondering why and DOH!! I should have taken my meds about half an hour ago. *sigh* *Insert elevator music, heavy metal, or what ever you like here*

I know why my left arm from elbow to shoulder is killing me. It's not rsd pain, it's courtesy of Gil! He woke up because he turned over wrong or something and had pain shooting through his right arm from elbow to shoulder. When I say we are one another's other half, I mean it literally. We feel each others pain from time to time. I learned long ago to shield myself because I'm an empath. I have always been able to feel what other people are feeling. Since getting rsd, it's more difficult at times to shield. I taught Gil how to shield because he was feeling way too much of my pain. I didn't want him subjected to that day in and day out.

Back to the awesomeness of my youngest child. I have 3 drawings I got her to give up. I'm going to get her to fork over some more so I can share with you her brilliance. *Proud mommy smile* If you look at my photo stream you'll seem them.

I have 3 articles published, submitted 2 more, and starting another tonight. Writing for the web is still new to me, but I catch on quick. I read all the tips I could find. I'm gaining confidence by the day in my writing ability. For the past 6 years I wracked my brain for a job I can do from home. I looked into some, but nothing ever felt right. If you're doing a job you don't like, you won't give it your best effort.

I came across a post on one of my boards, and someone mentioned the reason another member hadn't been around much is because she was busy writing for associated content. I checked it out and signed up. This felt right. I love to write! I know it'll take time to generate a steady income. I'll work hard to get there and work even harder to stay there.

I have to be successful in my new "career". We barely make it on Gil's one job. He hasn't been able to find a second job because of the current state of the economy. I want to save him from working himself to death. If I can bring in enough money, we'll have our second income. I don't know what the future hold for me, but with hard work and a positive can-do attitude, the future will be good.

Coping With RSD-Part 2

2009-04-23T21:33:00.003-04:00

To continue last night's positivity and tips for coping with RSD. Life is hard but it doesn't have to be miserable. I struggle with the bad days like everyone else. Anyone with chronic pain walks a fine line between doing just enough and doing too much. Overdoing it leads to more pain and a few very miserable days. There is also a fine line between living the best life you can and saying to hell with it while letting the beast take over your life.

I not a depressed type person and never have been. I don't think any less of the ones who deal with depression. We all have ways of processing and handling the life we find ourselves in now. One very important thing I do for myself every month is I do wallow in it. I throw myself a big old-fashioned pity party. *grin* Yup, I take the day to wonder, ask what if, bitch and moan about the pain and RSD in general. I pamper myself more than usual and eat more junk food than normal. Unlike other people though I don't worry about weight. Due to my very weird, backward bodily systems I keep losing it and can't gain half an ounce no matter what I eat! But Pity Party Day is not the day to worry about that. If you want to give it another name, go ahead. It can an All About Me Day, a RSD Bashing Day, a Life Totally Sucks and Why Do I Have to Hurt so Darn Much Day! Let your imagination run away with naming and mark your calenders.

Meditation and visualization. I have done both of these things for a very long time. When the Beast hit me, I tried to keep it up. It's freaking hard to hold a thought most days much less zen out and walk across a black sand beach in my mind. I used to think I'd never do it again and came ><>

Coping With RSD

2009-04-22T22:31:00.003-04:00

I've seen many postings lately by various people who are having a hard time. They sail down the river of De-Nial and admit it. They know they wait too long to take meds. They want more than anything to wake up "normal" and find the last months/years have all just been a nightmare. No one wants to deal with this Really Shitty Disease. Nobody wants to be abandoned and scoffed at by people who are supposed to love them. Everyday too many join our ranks. Each time my heart breaks a little more because someone else is enduring the hell of RSD.

I thought today, for all of them, I would post some way to help cope in this weird, alien land they are now living in. Things that have worked for me and others. I only hope it will find it's way to someone's screen and help them too.

Positive Attitude. At some point we have read about this. Not just in relation to RSD but to many things in life. How the effect of a positive attitude can change so much. In my opinion, having a positive attitude with RSD is crucial. It's so easy to let yourself become weighed down by pain, not being able to do what you used to, the doctors, treatments, meds, and so much more. The drag on your emotions which will pull you down, drag you under and drown you.

I'm not saying you have to be all happiness and light, sunshine and rainbows. Not at all. When I say positive attitude I mean a change in the way you look at life. Don't think about what you can not do, focus on what you can do. You can't play tag with the kids outside. You can read with them, paint, make things out of clay, have a writing contest, play dress up, have a girly day with your daughter and do each others nails and toes, play board games, watch a movie together. If you continue this list, I'm sure you can think of even more things.

Keep a journal. It can be handwritten or on your computer. I use my blog as a diary online and I still write in the book I bought to be my handwritten journal. It's gotten difficult for me to write but it will always be my favorite way. There's just something about pen and paper. Write down how pissed off you are at the idiot doctors. Their unfeeling attitude and sucky care. The stupid work comp system and the evilness it spreads. How angry you are at whatever or whoever. The weather, what you did for the day, the things that made you smile, things that made you cry. The symptoms you felt....what were they? Where did you feel it? Something new you're not sure about or just same old, same old? Put it all down, especially the little things. This helps you to cope with the emotional upheaval of your "new" life and also will help you see a pattern to the pain. We forget a lot of things, so it's important you put it down somewhere.

Keep busy. It really does help! If your brain is busy it can't focus on the pain. If I don't have anything to do I feel the pain more intensely. I tried a little experiment one day. I kept busy doing stuff and later in the day just lay here on the couch watching tv. When I did nothing, I hurt a lot more than I had all day. Dive into a hobby or hobbies you already have. If you really don't have any, then find some. Everyone has something they've always wanted to do. I am always looking up something online and doing research. I love to read and between books and the internet I'm never without something to read. I play with clay which is relaxing and it's great therapy for my hands too. I drag out my beads and make earrings, rosaries, necklaces and bracelets. I'm working on a paint by number.

These are just a few ideas to get you started. Stay tuned for more tips!

Stephen Hawking and ALS

2009-04-21T22:30:00.004-04:00

I just read here that Stephen Hawking has been hospitalized because of a chest infection he's been fighting for several weeks now. I'm sending all the healing I can his way. I have a lot of respect for him. His mind is absolutely amazing. The amount of years he has survived with ALS aka Lou Gehrig's disease is astounding. 46 years ago he was diagnosed. The life expectancy of someone with ALS is about 2 to 5 years after diagnosis. As with all things, this varies. I've never heard of anyone living as long as Stephen Hawking has.

ALS is personal to me. My grandpa died just 2 months after he was diagnosed. He was 72 years old and I was 16. He was more like my dad. He died at home with grandma and my Aunt Janice sitting at his bedside. I was standing on the porch that day and watched him take his last breath. The rest of the family was there too. I had such tunnel vision that day I can only remember my grandma and aunt beside the bed and I'm not sure if anyone else was in the room that I just didn't see.

The story which pre-dates his diagnosis is a funny one. My 72 year old grandpa ran away from home! You read that right, he ran away. I think it was June 1985. He went for a walk around the block every morning. The only time he didn't was when it rained. I can't remember all the details but at some point we realized he hadn't come home yet. This caused us all to get out and beat the bushes for him. I know most of us were thinking the worst. We'd come across him dead somewhere along the way. Thankfully, we didn't find a body. This only left us more confused as to where the heck he could have gotten off to.

Sometime late that afternoon or early evening, we got a phone call from our family in Kentucky. I think it was from Uncle Chester and Aunt Anna Mae. That was his brother and sister-in-law. Anna Mae was my grandma's sister. Yep, 2 brothers married 2 sisters. *grin* I've always loved that. Anyway, they tell us grandpa is there and he's fine. We all breathe a huge sigh of relief he's alive, then the questions started. Unfortunately, we would have to wait till he came home to get the whole story. Grandpa had been planning his little "vacation" for weeks. There was a guy who lived down the street and every morning grandpa would stop and chat with him. This man is the one who was going to Kentucky for his real vacation. We never knew just how grandpa hitched a ride with him. He went with no clothes, nothing but his cane. He came home a few days later.

I was a couple of months later he developed weakness and had difficulty walking. Grandma got him to the doctor and was diagnosed with ALS. I learned in this time that grandpa ran away to see his family one last time and all the old places in Kentucky where he grew up. He knew before he had symptoms, that we could see, he was going to die. He told me he wanted to find a cave in Kentucky and wait to die. He knew his death wouldn't be quick or easy. He thought about doing it to spare us the agony he knew was coming. The reason he didn't is because we would suffer more than if he were home. Grandma was the one he was most concerned for. They had celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary in Feb.

We laughed about his "vacation" for some time. I still chuckle every time I remember it. How many people can say their grandpa ran away from home? Probably not very many.

Because I Got Nothing

2009-04-20T23:15:00.005-04:00

I am going to post a meme I found here. I racked my poor brain for a subject, any subject and not a thing! So, for your amusement, or not.

9 Layers

A meme to peel aways the layers of you.

LAYER ONE:

-- Name: Karen
-- Birth date: Sep 8
-- Birthplace: Florida
-- Current Location: Florida
-- Eye Color: Hazel
-- Hair Color: Strawberry Blond
-- Height: 5' 2"
-- Righty or Lefty: Righty
-- Zodiac Sign: Virgo

LAYER TWO:

-- Your heritage: Cherokee,Irish,Scottish,English,Dutch,French Canadian,German
-- The shoes you wore today: None, I go barefoot all the time. The only time shoes go on my feet is when I go to the doc every 3 months.
-- Your weakness: Chocolate *drools*
-- Your fears: Snake, spiders, heights
-- Your perfect pizza: black olives and onion YUM!
-- Goal you'd like to achieve: To make a good second income from writing.

LAYER THREE:

-- Your most overused phrase on AIM: I don't use Aim and rarely use anything else either.
-- Your first waking thoughts: Need drink, need meds
-- Your best physical feature: I don't feel I have one, but if I have to pick, my cheekbones
-- Your most missed memory: If a memory is missing, then how can you write it down? I have no memories I miss.

LAYER FOUR:

-- Pepsi or Coke: Pepsi!
-- McDonald's or Burger King: Burger King
-- Single or group dates: Single
-- Adidas or Nike: Neither
-- Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: Nestea
-- Chocolate or vanilla: Chocolate
-- Cappuccino or coffee: Coffee

LAYER FIVE:

-- Smoke: Yes
-- Cuss: Oh yeah, probably too much
-- Sing: When I'm in the mood
-- Take a shower everyday: Yup
-- Do you think you've been in love: Have been and still am
-- Want to go to college: Absolutely no desire.
-- Liked high school: Yeah, good times
-- Want to get married: Too late, already am
-- Believe in yourself: More than I used to, yes
-- Get motion sickness: A little bit sometimes
-- Think you're attractive: No
-- Think you're a health freak: Heck no!!
-- Get along with your parent(s): Don't speak to my mom and I get along with my dad
-- Like thunderstorms: I loooooove them!
-- Play an instrument: No, but I wish I could play drums

LAYER SIX: In the past months...

-- Drank alcohol: No
-- Smoked: Yes
-- Done a drug: Yes
-- Made Out: No
-- Gone on a date: No
-- Gone to the mall?: No
-- Eaten an entire box of Oreos?: No and wouldn't want to
-- Eaten sushi: Totally gross!!!! No!
-- Been on stage: Nope
-- Been dumped: No and it wouldn't exactly be "dumped" but a severing of half of me.
-- Gone skating: No
-- Made homemade cookies: Nope, but I really should do that
-- Gone skinny dipping: No
-- Dyed your hair: Heck no, that stuff kills your hair
-- Stolen Anything: Nope

LAYER SEVEN: Ever...

-- Played a game that required removal of clothing: No
-- Been trashed or extremely intoxicated: Yes, quite a few times and they were GOOD times!
-- Been caught "doing something": I've never been caught. I'm sneakier than that. LOL
-- Been called a tease: Nope
-- Gotten beaten up: More than I ever thought I would have been
-- Shoplifted: One time
-- Changed who you were to fit in: Hell NO! If you don't like me, then it's your loss

LAYER EIGHT:

-- Age you hope to be married: Already married and even if I weren't there was no age I hoped to be married by
-- Numbers and Names of Children: 4, Kiernan, Flower, Bryce, Patience
-- Describe your Dream Wedding: It would take place on the beach in very casual clothes with bathing suits underneath, barefoot.
-- How do you want to die: I don't care as long as it's quick
-- Where you want to go to college: Have no desire to go back to school at this point
-- What do you want to be when you grow up: I still haven't figured that out yet
-- What country would you most like to visit: Ireland

LAYER NINE:

-- Number of drugs taken illegally: 0
-- Number of people I could trust with my life: 7
-- Number of CDs that I own: 50
-- Number of piercings: 2, one in each ear
-- Number of tattoos: 5
-- Number of times my name has appeared in the newspaper?: 6
-- Number of scars on my body: too many
-- Number of things in my past that I regret: 0

The Cost of Hatred

2009-04-19T22:14:00.004-04:00

I cruised over to Mom to the Screaming Masses and found this post. It made me stop and think. I love thought provoking stuff so I had to leave those thoughts. Here is what I said:

Hatred is a huge scythe as carried by Death. I have been through a lot in my life. Name a form of abuse and I survived. For many years I hated. The hate for the Ones Who Hurt Me was an inferno burning in my soul, the scythe being wielded with brutal efficiency. At 25 I found myself part of an abuse survivors group. It changed my life and helped me heal. Until that group, I hadn't realized how much damage the hate I carried was hurting me. It was then I felt the cuts and burns. It was then I looked at my husband and children. I saw how my hate had spilled out and, in tiny ways, hurt the ones I loved most. I also saw the objects of my hate weren't damaged at all. I'm happier than I ever thought I would be. I carry scars from all that I survived and from the hatred I snuggled like a blanket. The scars will always be there but I'm proud of them. They are a reminder of what I survived and a lesson of what hate can do.

I pretty much just put my fingers on the keyboard and began typing. I didn't think at all, just let it flow. I hadn't realized until I posted it and re-read it of the impact hatred had on me. I realize hatred could have cost me a great deal. A cost I hadn't even known about until last night.

I'm even more thankful for having been a part of the abuse survivor's group. I don't remember the names of the women I shared those weeks with. I do remember some of their faces. What I have always carried with me is the bonds we forged. We were all strangers to one another, yet each time we met we said things out loud we had never dared say before. The relief of not having to explain every word but just let flow like a rushing river.

We drained the poison from our wounds and helped one another begin to heal. The hardest part I think was the hatred. When you hate so much, for so long, you're reluctant to set that aside. Like a security blanket you've had your entire life but now your parents tell you that you can't have it because you're a big girl now. It was hard for us to let the hatred go. After all, did we not deserve to hate the ones who hurt us? How could anyone ask us to not hate them? The damage and cost of hatred is the reason we HAD to let it go. The damage to ourselves, the damage we unknowingly inflicted on the ones we loved. For some, that hatred had cost us so dearly already.

Women who came together as strangers, left with a bond. We talked, laughed, cried, hugged and there was always a hand to hold when you needed it. We knew what one another felt, the words we needed to hear. We healed together. We set our anger and hatred free a little at a time. It was the most liberating thing we had ever done. I know I'm a better person for it. For the first time in my life I felt happy, really, truly happy. It surprised me because I thought I had been happy.

A few years before this I made a promise to myself. I promised myself when I was in a better place and had healed, I would help other women. Those who had been abused and raped. A few years after the group I was able to keep that promise. I started a group online and grabbed the hands of those who were drowning. I'll never forget them either. I showed them there is life after abuse, life after bitterness, hatred and anger. They saw one day they could be happy. They could laugh, love and have a normal relationship. They told me these things and the one thing they all said that I cherish to this day. They told me I gave them hope.

Despite what others might think, I wouldn't go back and change anything. I wouldn't be who I am today for sure. I am a stronger more compassionate woman. I have learned to love myself and others more fully because of those experiences. I cherish life much more. There is so much joy I get from the truly little things in life. Because of it all I'm still alive, loving, laughing, and living. I reach out to help people everyday. Pain, schmain, I've been through worse!

After Last Night.......

2009-04-18T22:33:00.002-04:00

And that very unexciting post I did. I hope to be a bit better tonight. I believe I had turned a bit brain dead from working on my next article. All of my Big Brain was used up on it. This leaves me to wonder how many functioning brain cells in my Big Brain are still left. After Pain gets through with the grey matter, I sometimes feel I don't have much. It's the one thing I hate the most. I used to have an excellent memory, both short and long term. In the past couple of years my short term memory has gone into the toilet and out to sea. My long term memory is just fine though. I know this because I have great recall on past events. My awesome ability to remember a phone call I was supposed to make or something else I had to do comes to me oh a month or more AFTER the fact!! *sigh* Good grief. Those kinds of things don't help me a bit.

I shall just soldier on, keep making lists, taking notes and then promptly losing my lists and notes of Stuff To Do. I do find them, long after I need them of course. *grin* Yup, sucky brain at it's finest right here folks!

I'm realizing this post isn't all that exciting either is it? So far I've complained about my memory, or lack thereof. Shoot me now....go on you know you want to. I'll even pin a big bulls-eye on myself so you can't miss.

Mmmmmm, Burger King fish on a plate with a side of tartar sauce. *closes eyes in bliss* I love their fish. I can't eat the whole sandwich, so I cut it in half. The leftover bit gets a warm up without the bread. So good! Although Gorton's breaded fish is THE best ever! Gil and I have our fish night with sugar snap peas. A perfect gourmet meal!

Well dang it, I'm feeling slightly crappy now. I'm going to chill out and hope this feeling passes quickly cause I hate feeling this way!! UGH

Top Odd News Story Randomness

2009-04-18T01:11:00.002-04:00

I thought tonight I would cover a few of the top odd news stories.

A Mississippi woman was shot in the head Tuesday and lived to tell about it. The local police were looking for him earlier in the week to give him a court order telling him to stay away from his wife. He walked into her house, shot her in the head before going out back and killing himself. When the police arrived she was holding a rag to her head and was confused. She evidently didn't even realize she had been shot in the head! Wow, she definitely has a purpose in this life to carry out. I wish her a very long and healthy life.

An Ohio teacher took 4 female students to a male strip club. She says they asked her to take them. She got permission from the parents and off they went. I think it was an educational field trip. What better way to study the male anatomy?

I think the best one is a 27 year old woman in Michigan who had a baby boy. Why is this odd you ask? Women have babies every day! This one is truly special because she didn't know she was pregnant. She didn't know?! I find it hard to believe that a woman who's been pregnant 3 times didn't know have any idea. Come on...they had no clue? What the heck did you think was kicking in there?!?!?!? Gas and a kicking baby don't feel anything alike. I wonder if this man is still alive today. He said they had recently quit smoking and he thought she had just packed on a few extra pounds. Oh yeah.....she might have already killed him for that one.

Burger King Spongebob Ad

2009-04-15T22:48:00.002-04:00

I saw the "controversy" as a featured story on yahoo today. All I can say is OMG people, get over it! I read three pages of comments before it started to get repetitive and I stopped reading.

There are the ones who swear our world is going to hell and the corruption of our children is almost complete now. How dare they teach our children to objectify women! I turn the channel and don't let my kids watch it. HAHAHAHAHA Are you kidding me?!? It's a commercial. It's a funny one too. You need to toss out your tv because there is far worse on tv than this.

The others think it's funny, their kids see it and laugh too. They remember the original song and it brings back good memories. These are the ones who "get it" best. This commercial is NOT aimed at the kids!!! See how simple that is. It's not aimed at them. Listen near the end where it says to buy any adult value meal and get a Spongebob kid's meal for 99 cents. The kids aren't the ones buying food, the parents are.

I see this commercial during the day. I haven't seen it air at night when the kids are home. It's not being played for them. Burger King is playing a very popular song which many of us have fond memories of. Unless you were in a convent or something, you heard and sang along with "Baby Got Back". I looooooved that song myself! I'd get up and shake it every time and laugh like a loon while doing it. It's one of those songs you either loved or hated. Kids have no idea that there was an "original" song. The only kids who might see it would be preschool kids being that it only airs during the day. Well, at least where I live I've only seen it during the day. The comment by Sir-Mix-A-Lot at the end isn't aimed at kids either. It's for us adults. Shocking I know! It's meant to make us adults laugh considering how big and round he likes his booty! *big grin*

The high points

1. It is a commercial aimed at adults.

2. It is not a commercial aimed at kids.

3. Kids don't buy food, adults do.

That sums it up nicely I think.

I saw one comment from someone who's father had been stationed overseas with the military. I think it was a she, remarked on how nudity and such is seen on tv over there and it's no big deal. In america though, people freak out and start screaming about sex, nudity and cuss words. My attitude is...holy cow people stop it already! There are far more important things than piddly stuff such as that. If society would aim all that outrage toward doing good, this world would be a better place. *darth vader breathing* Use the force luke. I've always loved that sound for some reason. *chuckles*

Addiction-Part 3

2009-04-15T12:39:00.001-04:00

After I was finished being hysterical and crying, I realized something. It occurred to me I didn't give a damn what he thought. Who the hell is he to judge me? Just because I look "normal" doesn't mean a damn thing. He's only one person. I know I'm innocent. Gil knows, my kids know. In the end, that's the only thing that matters. Good riddance to you and your I-Know-An-Addict-When-I-See-One-attitude. You're not a doctor, nor do you know me. You don't know the hell I've lived through since 2003. Many others have stood where you, Mr. Cop, stood that day. They said much worse about me. Even the people I worked with day after day said things about me that still hurt to this day. Had you stopped to really look at me, look into my eyes, you would have known the truth. You would've seen my legs and feet which were, and are, not a "normal" color. The pain, you would see the pain that lurks in my eyes day after day. The flames of Hell which burn brightly within my body without end.

To anyone out there who would judge me simply because I look "normal', I hope you are never in my position. I hope you are never on the receiving end of judgment from others. The looks, the snide remarks and hostile attitude from the people in the pharmacy who think I don't need pain pills because I look healthy. The endless explanations of what is "wrong" with me and why I take medications. Then, after the explanations are done, you keep judging me because you've never heard of my disorder. You think it's something I made up just to pop pills. I have the most gullible doctor in the world. I made it all up, diagnosed myself, told him the fairy tale of RSD/CRPS, and he gives me "drugs" because he believes me. Sure, I'm just that awesome. I'm also some kind of Goddess to make all these RSD/CRPS symptoms appear for your amusement.

My life is one big laugh fest. I love having something no one has ever heard of. I love being called lazy. I especially love being told I'm not only faking it, but I'm "milking" the system. What system is that exactly? Oh, the worker's comp system for the first year and a half with this "made up" disorder. Sure, I raked in tons of money. So much in fact, we're secretly rich and live like poor people to get sympathy. Sorry, I made as much, sometimes more, in one week at my job then I received in two weeks from them. I've never been lazy a day in my life. The other system would be social security. I hate to tell you this but I don't sit at home raking those whopping checks in. I don't qualify for disability. At the time of my accident and resulting pain, I hadn't worked long enough. I don't get SSI because Gil makes too much money. That applies to food stamps and medicaid too just in case you think I'm a drain on your hard earned tax dollars.

I am just me in the end. I'm a short, scrappy woman with a huge sense of humor. I am not only a smart ass, but a brainy one. I'm a survivor and a fighter. I don't let pain rule my life. I love my kids more than life itself. I enjoy every second of the day, even the days I wish I could die because the pain is so bad. Life is too short not to live it to the fullest. I'm loyal to those I love and would die for any of them should the need arise. I don't judge others and hope at the end of all the words I have put on this virtual paper, you won't judge other people either. You'll take a second to stop and remind yourself you don't know them. To understand not all disabilities are visible on the outside of this shell we call our bodies.

Addiction-Part 2

2009-04-14T22:44:00.002-04:00

Continued from last night.....

I take my meds as prescribed. I don't have any "extras" as some people put it. I NEED my meds, I don't take them for fun. This is what separates me from the people Gil works with. They do it for fun. I want to smack them and the young people who do it for fun. They don't think about how they hurt legitimate pain patients. The powers that be must keep these evil drugs away from young kids. So far the big War on Drugs hasn't slowed them down. Then, there's the reality of having so much "fun". Let's play the What If game. What if you get into a bad car accident. The result of this nasty turn of events that has ruined your day and made it sucketh mightly, is you now have some chronic pain issue related to your back. The meds you have so much fun with are now candy. You live with pain that you can find no relief for because of your fun. What if you get RSD? Don't say it can't happen. It can. It only takes a minor injury or surgery and BAM, you have it. No one knows why some people get it and others don't. There's no way to know if it'll be you next. The what if game continues on with all the issues that can cause chronic pain.

This issue is one I think about a lot. There are too many people willing to believe you have a "problem" and need help. Even more, they can't get past the words "there is no cure" for this. Just like Fibro. I don't think I'm worse than someone else because my disorder is rated highest on the pain scale. Pain is pain and all of us chronic pain persons live with it everyday.

The very worst, most scarring incident in the past 6 years involved a cop. I had my house broken in to and my pain meds stolen. When he pulled into the parking lot and stepped out of the car he said, in a very snide tone, “Let me guess, oxycontin?” This actually made me take a step back and blink before telling him “No, heck no.” This made him almost stumble. He was alredy so sure I was some oxy head trying to scam the system for more pills from my doc.

I didn't even think of something until after he was gone. Filing a robbery report would not have gotten me even a half of a prescription for my missing meds for the rest of the month. There's a nice sign in the office informing all patients there are no refills or called in prescriptions no matter what the circumstances may be. I couldn't take in a police report, hand it to them and get more pills. Mr. Cop assumed that's exactly what I was going to do. My pain doc runs a tight ship. There are pain contracts to sign and urine tests to take. I love my doctor because of it.

This officer of the law said I had a problem and I needed to go get "help". He said I set things up to look as if my house were broken into. I must have taken more than I was supposed to or, according to his brilliant deductions, I had sold them and was doing this so I could get more from my doc. He then threatened to arrest me and throw me in jail if I "insisted" he write a report on the incident. Why would he throw me in jail? For filing a false police report. Yeah, how would I have proven I didn't "set up" the "robbery"?

I know in his mind, that my telling him to just leave confirmed his "theory". That I did indeed do what he accused me of. I didn't do it, but to have him toss me in jail with no way to prove anything would have left me with nothing. My pain management doctor would drop me, no one else would touch me. I'd live in a special kind of hell with no way to ever make it stop. I'd be forever branded over something I didn't do. I couldn't do it, I just couldn't. Maybe that makes me weak and pathetic, but I wouldn't go back and make him write that report.

Addiction part three coming tomorrow night.

Addiction-Part 1

2009-04-13T23:29:00.003-04:00

Why is it when a person takes pain meds, the reaction of some is, "You better watch out, you'll become addicted." My favorite, from a few people whom Gil works with, is to ask him about what I take and do I actually take all of them? Also, to tell Gil I really should get my doc to give me the "good" stuff and then we can make money on the side!

None of the aforementioned things thrill me. Let me see if I can clear up some common misconceptions about me and my "drug" habit.

"You better watch out, you'll become addicted." Or it not being said to me but to my Gil, "You better watch her, she's gonna become addicted." HAHAHAHAHAHA Yes, I find this highly amusing! Why? Because I will never become addicted. To become addicted to something, it requires wanting to take the substance(drugs,alcohol or anything else for that matter). Having a deep seated psychological need to have it or you'll die attitude. Despite what others think, I do NOT want to take these meds. I hate,make that HATE, them with a passion. If I could, I would stop taking them right this minute. I take them because I HAVE to, not because I WANT to. If I were to stop taking them, yes I would go through withdrawl. That happens when you take any medication, be it a pain med, a muscle relaxer or lyrica, etc, for a long time. It doesn't mean I'm an addict. It means my body is dependent on maintaing a certain level of the drugs in my system.

Dependency and addiction are not the same thing. I'd suggest going to look it up and learning the correct terminology. When you have a lot of pain you don't get "high" from taking pain pills. Why you ask? You don't get high because the body takes the sweet nectar of the pill and uses it to stomp on the nasty pain and teach it a lessonm just for a little while anyway. People who are addicted have to take them, the like the high they get and they also have to take more and more over time in order to get high. I do not. Simple no? I have not nor will I ever get high. I function normally, laughing, crying, and getting angry. If you didn't know I have a progressive chronic pain disorder, you'd never know I take anything at all.

For having full body RSD/CRPS, I take a very low dose of pain med, not only pill wise but quantity wise as well. I can do that because my dad gave me great genes! I've always been thankful I take after my dad. I look younger than I am, always have, although at one point in life I hated it! Now that I'm turning the big 4-0 this year, I'm very, very thankful. I have always been skinny. I became even more thankful when I developed RSD. A high pain tolerance and good metabolism enable me to take, what is for some, the same as taking candy. It doesn't touch their pain even on a good day. I can save the "good" stuff for the years to come.

Stayed tuned for Addiction-Part 2. I wrote this because something Gil said a couple of days ago got under my skin. It's a subject that is not far from my mind most days. It is my reality and I felt the need to address it finally. Kind of a "set the record" straight thing in a way. Also to just vent these feelings I carry with me like so much baggage.

Random Things

2009-04-11T22:10:00.003-04:00

I feel in a purple mood tonight. Don't ask me what it feels like either because I couldn't begin to put it into words. It just is, like the sky is blue.

* The sky isn't really blue though. Blue light is a shorter wavelength light. This light is absorbed by the gas molecules in the atmosphere. This absorbed light is then scattered all over the sky, so no matter which way you look, you see blue! The red, yellow and orange of a sunset is because the light must travel farther before reaching us. More of the short wavelength blues and greens are scattered and the longer wavelength colors of red, yellow, orange and even pink, are left for us to see. There is your totally interesting science fact of the day.

* What do I hate today? I hate.....

1. The forest. *lifts one eyebrow* Huh....that's news to me! I feel more at home there than anywhere else.

2. Skynanigans. I might not hate it so much if they would stay in one place. It makes me so dizzy!

3. Any computer without Photoshop. Eh, I can actually leave it. Now, if I didn't have my Paint Shop Pro, then I'm hating it.

4. Green Firewood. You bet your booty I do!!! All it does is smoke a lot, stink and make you cough.

5. Mistletoe. This is true. I don't need an excuse to lay one on somebody. hehehe

* When I make the fur babies stay inside, Connor has a fit of running around like his butt is on fire and yipping, yelping, yowling and many other noises I don't have words to describe. It's highly amusing though. It's the best time to have a really good laugh. Watching him chase Shanni around is even better!

* I have gotten rid of the tiny, evil beings which were keeping me from getting anything done. They have been banished with my Awesome Witchy Powers into a black hole. I have gotten much accomplished. If only I could banish rsd, not just for myself, but for everyone, the world would be perfect.

* Spring break is over tomorrow and Patience goes back to school Monday. She's very happy about this. One week is about three days too long for her. It doesn't matter to me whether she's in school or out. Even when she's home, I forget she's here. I wish sometimes I could give this gift to other mothers.

Tornadoes in Tennessee

2009-04-10T22:29:00.003-04:00

There was a storm system which spawned many tornados in Tennessee. Someone I know had one touch down in her town. Thankfully she is ok, her husband and kids are all ok. We know her house is one of a very few homes left undamaged and still standing. Unfortunately one look at the homepage of her local news station, there were two fatalities, a mother and her 9 week old baby. My thoughts and prayers are with everyone who was affected. I hope others I know in TN are safe.

On 20/20 tonight they talked about guns. The segment that was up first featured a local hero of sorts. Damon Weaver is quite a kid! He lives in Pahokee which is a small town with big city problems. He's hit the national spotlight with his ambitions in wanting to become a journalist. He has interviewed quite a few famous people over the last year. His giggle is infectious and watching him you can't help but smile. Each time I see him, I send up a wish that all his dreams will come true. I also hope I'm around to see him become famous!

Sorry this is short tonight, but I'm feeling tired and a bit sluggish. I can't seem to summon up much to write about, nor the strength to do it. I'm going to go relax with a rousing game of bookworm and see if I can beat my new high score I got earlier today.

One Moment

2009-04-09T23:57:00.002-04:00

One moment is all it takes to turn life upside down. One moment that leaves the world in chaos. One moment and life is emptier than you ever imagined it could be.

I checked my blog list a few minutes ago to catch up any posts made yesterday or today. This post grabbed my heart, squeezed hard and wouldn't let go. I didn't know little Madeline Spohr or her parents. This didn't stop me from crying over the loss of this precious little girl. It didn't stop the wrenching of my heart. She was a little girl who fought and hung on, even when everyone else thought she wouldn't make it. I can see where she got her fighting spirit from. It was from two people who were lucky enough to be the parents of this special angel. How could I know this if I didn't know her? I found the blog her mom Heather started and began reading it from the beginning. I stopped to come finish this post.

I'm a mother to four wonderful children, 2 boys and 2 girls. I haven't lost a child, though I came close when my youngest fell out a third story window. I remember the utter agony, horror, fear and shock I felt that day as I saw my baby lying face down on the ground not moving. I think about how empty my life would be had things gone the other way. That is all I can do, remember, think and imagine. I don't live each day missing a child. I am sorry these wonderful people have to. A loss which ripped out the hearts of so many family and friends. My heart and thoughts are with them all.

One Moment

In one moment life is created,
each cell building an angel.
In one moment every second,
is a battle to live.
In one moment an angel is born,
proof that miracles are real.
In one moment a cry is suddenly,
the sweetest sound you've ever heard.
In one moment your spirits soar,
as this angel thrives and grows.
In one moment the world is,
plunged into darkness.
In one moment a precious angel,
spreads her wings to fly.

© 2009 Karen J

Society and Our Children

2009-04-09T01:39:00.000-04:00

I seem to have misplaced my mind tonight. Here it is after 1 am, I'm not feeling the least bit sleepy and my brain doesn't seem to be functioning. So, I bring to you something I wrote a week or so ago. I wrote it after watching the late night news and thought about the world in general and our society.

I stop and shake my head at this world we live in. What is considered news these days, the amount of damage and terror we humans inflict on each other, the importance placed on looks.

The last sometimes terrifies me. Girls grow up thinking they must be super skinny and look Hot or no one will like them. They develop eating disorders and a skewed sense of self. Is this truly the legacy we want to leave behind? For it is a legacy. Girls who grow into young women, they have children of their own and this sick cycle is passed to another generation.

I know there must be people like me who feel helpless in the face of such a huge problem. How do we end this? There are too many people willing to pay for those rags in the checkout line at the store. Greedy hands gleefully rubbing together willing to pay disgusting sums of money for a single picture. They may pay a million dollars for one photo, but I'm sure make double or triple that in return. Boycotting stars and the clothing industry are pointless. Not enough people will do it to make an impact. A letter writing campaign is senseless, whether by post or email. It's easy enough to throw away a letter or hit the delete button.

How could we impact the biggest criminal of all, the clothing industry? Stop buying clothes? That wouldn't work very well or for long. Our prudish society insists that we wear clothes. All models quit en masse in protest? That seems unlikely to ever happen. There are millions of young women willing to sacrifice themselves, and their health, on the altar of fame and fortune.

I wish I could say, "drum roll please......this is how we end this dilemma and save our girls!" No matter how much I think about it, the best I can come up with is to talk to them. Start very young and never stop. Talk more as puberty approaches and throughout the teen years. Tell them to be proud of who they are. Teach them to love themselves and their bodies. Never give in to peer pressure. This sounds like a huge job for parents, even more so for a single parent. I can say, from personal experience, it can be done.

I have two daughters, Flower, who's 19, is like me and naturally skinny. Patience, who's 15, has the build of her dad. Not saying that's a bad thing, and no, neither are fat. She already has womanly curves. *grins* It's her I was concerned for. I never wanted her to feel “fat” or somehow less than perfect because she doesn't wear a size 1. I have succeeded so far. She's very proud of who she is and what she looks like. Until things change, we'll have to try our best to raise our daughters with confidence and pride in themselves.

We must not forget our sons. They see the same things in society our girls do. They can grow up with eating disorders and body image issues as well. The same lessons must be taught to them also, only from a slightly different angle.

As parents, we are the front line in this war against the messages being sent to our children. We have the power to change things one child at a time.

Awareness Months

2009-04-07T23:15:00.003-04:00

I was compiling a list off various sites on Awareness Months. I came across quite a few I never knew existed.

Today is observance of All Is Ours Day! WOOT! Now we get to have everything we want. I sure hope the few millions dollars I asked for will be deposited on time. *frets a little* I don't know what I'll do if it doesn't come in. Oh dear....

It's April, the time for flowers to bloom and wonderfully balmy days. We shed our winter clothes for lighter apparel and bask in the sun. In celebration of this month, I will find a person worthy of receiving a Twit Award everyday, from all over the world. Yes, it's that time again folks. International Twit Award Month!! Aren't you excited? I've been waiting a whole year for this time to roll around again. *rubs hands together gleefully* There are so many Twit awards to pass around and so little time.

I also came across this one for September: Pleasure Your Mate Month. *blink* Well alright!!! September is gonna be one hell of a party month for me. It's also my birthday month which makes it sweeter.

In February we have Goat Trauma Awareness. WTF?? I've never heard of this nor did I know there was a problem with goats suffering trauma that requires a whole awareness month. Who knew?

In July, it's Hitchhiking Month and Anti-Boredom Month. I dare say if you start hitchhiking you sure as heck won't be bored for long!

January 11-17th is Cuckoo Dancing Week! Mark your calendars for next year and get ready to get your Cuckoo on!!

Oh darn it....I didn't know about Happy Mew Year on Jan 2nd! My fur babies forget to tell me. I won't forget next year. *wanders off to stock up on kitty crack for them*

On Jan 22nd is Answer Your Cats Questions Day. I'm very happy I missed it this year. They can be worse than a toddler always asking why, why, why!

Don't forget everyone, tomorrow, April 9th is Draw a Picture of a Bird Day!! Break out those crayons, markers or coloring pencils and capture a bird.

For Your Amusement

2009-04-06T23:39:00.003-04:00

A blog post which gives you no truly useful information at all. You get to see the wonder that is my Big Brain at work as I skip from one random thought to another. I blather on skirting the edge of boring you all to death with my ramblings and assorted nonsense. *we now take a short commercial break so I can take my really good, make me feel less owie ~~drugs~~ medications which a real doctor prescribed me.* *insert a hysterical random commercial you love*

Your monitors are not broken, the color of the words really is black. I know, you're properly shocked, horrified and all OMG is she sick?!? No, not sick, I'm just fine but decided on a change of pace tonight. I can do that.(eta: While I was typing the words were black danggit!)

I wasted.....no I spent a very productive hour or so blog surfing tonight. I do believe I'm becoming addicted to find blogs I love and adding them to my blog list to the left. I found a few more tonight that made me laugh. My criteria for blogs being added to the list? They have to make me laugh. That's it. Does that make me some kind of humor addict? If so, then I'll proudly earn my chips. Hello, my name is Karen and I'm a humor addict! The room says in unison "Hi Karen! Tell us your story." I drone on about how it began innocently enough in childhood. Fighting parents and being witness to bouts of fisticuffs between them. No humor in this house! I sought out laughter and humor everywhere. As I grew, the addiction became worse. There was no stopping me. I didn't care how much I had to pay, I had to laugh!! Now, I'm here, vainly searching for support to make me a humorless person again. To be properly grown up and sober enough so when young children look at me they burst into tears. *insert lots of beseeching and please help me stuff here* That's all. *sits down**weak clapping with a slap on the back from a very large man in the chair next to mine*

Tell me, be brutally honest with me, do you all think my mind is totally warped? Seriously, I've always been a little "off" and I am totally proud of that fact. I know my mom and dad are equally as proud they raised such an off the wall wacko. With my family history I didn't have much of choice.

I've read in a few blogs on the www which talks about people typing words and phrases into Google and ending up on their blog. I'm now going officially crazy, the "They're coming to take you away Ha Ha, they're coming to take you away!" crazy as to how these people know what these words and phrases are!!!!!! Am I missing something? Is there a secret blog 'o verse I'm unaware of? A secret handshake I'm not "cool" enough to be privy to? If anyone out there knows The Secret, please clue me in! Pretty please....with sugar on top......yes, you can have ten cherries if you want. *grins*

I've seen the 100 Things About Me most people have. This is something I am going to do. I'm not sure how long it will take. You might see it pop up in the next two or three years, or so, because I'm not sure I know that many things. Or maybe I do and don't know it yet. *scratches head* *belches*

Now I've totally frustrated, bored, scared, confused, amused you to death at this point. I'll..........

Post one more thing! HA!!! You thought it was the end didn't you?!?!? *giggles uncontrollably*

*listens to the crickets chirping* ...... Ummmmmm...... That's it. Despite it's lack of stimulating content, this last part is one more thing! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA *runs off snort laughing*

RSD and ADHD

2009-04-06T01:54:00.002-04:00

Is what I feel like I have!! I keep getting sidetracked and trying to do something else. I look at the time and it's flown by. I only wanted to put a slideshow up to show my grandson and tats. It wasn't working. I'm being told I have no public albums. Wrong! It is public. I checked and triple checked even. Now I must find an answer so I can get the slideshow up. It takes me 45 minutes with a completely dead brain to find the stupid answer!! It was so simple, but I had no way of knowing it was simple, so therefore I will not feel stupid. I feel even better knowing I'm not the only one who had no clue how to make the idiotic thing work!!!!! *sigh*

It took much longer than I thought to write my story of rsd for my friend's rsd website. My satisfaction comes from knowing everyone who reads it will come away from it with more understanding. At least I hope they will. For those with rsd, they will see they are not alone.

I'm beyond tired now. Tomorrow night I will post earlier and get you back to your regularly scheduled blog posting. I promise not to go all ADHD on you and end up telling you why I'm not posting a "regular" post for the night.

Look to the left beside this post and gaze upon the slideshow I finally freaking conquered! I'll add more photos to it tomorrow, errrr, later today for your viewing pleasure.

Ran Out Of Time

2009-04-04T22:36:00.002-04:00

This won't be much of a post tonight. It's almost 2 am, I'm really tired and I've run out of time. I was talking to a friend earlier tonight, then after midnight Flower, my oldest daughter, called and I'm on the phone with her now.

When I was on the phone with the friend, I googled the name I use everywhere online, GalenaFaolan. At first I was disappointed because there were only two pages. Then I noticed at the bottom of the second page it omitted similar results. This made me extremely happy. I, of course, clicked on it. I was even happier seeing 30 pages, all on me!! *big stupid grin* Oh yea! I feel really special now. Not like "special bus" special, just, Ain't I special! Hehehehe I know the last part, ain't I special came from somewhere. I've heard it before. Saturday Night Live? If anyone knows who said it and that it really was on SNL, leave a comment for me!

I was going to post pics of my tats, but that'll have to wait till tomorrow. My eyes are closing. Any minute I'm going to fall face first on the keyboard. If I do that you'll see ;ljagd-92u32u0-i5lk;flfnjknlerjopark'ejpgj Nigh night....buh bye.....so long....see ya!

PS. Geri, I'll finish up the edit on your article tomorrow sweetie. *grins*

This Is How....

2009-04-03T20:59:00.002-04:00

I waste time and generally avoid doing any meaningful work. I believe one of the "others" who inhabit my body went to Procrastinators "R" Us today, went on a shopping spree and bought out their stock of, PBLOE -Procatinators Big List of Excuses. Every single box!! *sigh* Not only have I not gotten much writing done today, I am also broke. I should say I have written today, but I didn't accomplish as much as I wanted.

Goddess knows I know all the symptoms of rsd. I have way too many of them and what I don't have, I hope I can avoid. I thought to myself, this will be easy! What is that saying? Oh yeah....famous last words. Heh. I have managed to cover the five main ones and begin the emotional. I find myself struggling to get words on my document. I'm also dealing with the dreaded affliction of perfectionitis!! Like rsd, there is no cure. *wobbly smile* There are only coping techniques which you hope will work. So far, I'm a failure! No....I know I'm not. I refuse to accept there is no cure. If I have to travel the world, I will find one! This thing I seek may be as elusive as a Kalahari leopard but it won't remain elusive forever. I'm patient. Really I am! Hey.....yeah you, the one not even bothering to hide your hilarity. HAHAHA You fell off your chair! HAHAHAHAHAHA

I'm going to give myself a break and let the ideas of the symptoms article roll around in the back of mind(yes there is some actual gray matter in my noggin)and do another article that is quick and easy. Tips for first time pregnancies. I have been there done that and am living through it again, sort of, with my oldest daughter as she carries my first grandson. Speaking of which, I'm more anxious than she is right now for him to be born. As she grows, she will be the one who is more anxious than I to have him out. All of us mommies know the feeling quite well as the last couple of months seem to go on forever. I keep her amused with stories and repeatedly promise her it will end, but not before she is miserable, close to or actually blubbering 24/7 as well as lots of pain and screaming to finally have the joy of holding Tristan Lee Wayne in her arms.

Happier Things

2009-04-03T00:26:00.002-04:00

I didn't want to spoil any of the slightly amusing and general babbling with my rant. This is the only reason there are two posts tonight. Well, I lie. It's also because it would be a very long post and by the time you get to the end of my ranting you don't feel like reading anymore. This defeats the purpose of writing an entry and you also miss my slightly amusing and general babbling on several topics.

In kitty land today, there was the usual. Connor wanting to play and Shanni doing her hiss/spit/growl thing. I really believe he doesn't want to play every time. He knows it pisses her off and he gets a secret thrill at pouncing on her. I can't blame him because sometimes I feel like doing my own pouncing and chasing her around. She got in trouble today. I look up and see Connor stalking something that is outside the fence. Just as I start to get up to see what it was, I catch a glimpse of black and white fur. I bellow "Shannon Kyla!!!!! Get in here!" She gracefully leaps to the top of the gate and drops to the ground. She also made a beeline for the house because she knew I was going to chase her furry little butt in here. She was duly "punished" for doing something she knows she's not supposed to do. Connor was his usual cute self running around yipping and talking all day long.

My daughter got her report card today. She got 2 A's, 4 B's and 1 C. The C is a 79, which is 1 point from a B. 70-79 is a C and 80-89 is a B. I'm considering it a B anyway. I'm very proud of her. A couple of the grades on the last one were low. The worst being a low D, as in 1 point lower it would have been an F. I was extremely disappointed by her grades last time. The reason being, for the past two years she has been on the honor roll every single time. She's slipped a little this year.

I will end this here. I'm feeling very tired. I didn't get much sleep last night and am off to bed.

Extreme Upset

2009-04-02T22:36:00.002-04:00

Is the reason there was no post last night. I was too upset to write anything. I was unfairly suspended off Healthboards where I am a posting fool. Healthboards has many different boards covering pretty much every condition you can think of and a few you can't. I am, of course, posting on the rsd one.

I'm warning everyone to never go on Healthboards!!!! They don't follow their own "rules" unless it's to their benefit. You can be attacked by someone else because they're "upset" or having a bad day. If you stand up for yourself and tell the person they need to read more carefully before launching an unfair attack, you also inform this person, via pm, NOT on the board that they have no right to attack you just because they're "upset", you'll be kicked off.

This is what happened to me. I was respectful, I did not call her names, I did not sling any type of accusation, I did not tell her she was stupid or allude to some nasty thought about what kind of family she comes from. The definition of insult is: to treat with insolence, indignity, or contempt, to affect offensively or damagingly the reader's intelligence. At no time did I do so. The definition of attack is, as it applies to this situation: To criticize strongly or in a hostile manner. An expression of strong criticism; hostile. Again, I did not do this.

In my pm I said "You DO have the right to feel whatever you want. You DON'T have the right to take it out on anyone else. You're not the only one who can't work and feels stressed out and upset. Do you see anyone else on this board leaving rude posts, then fail to apologize and expect for it to be laughed off? No you don't. Other people are dealing with far worse problems and I don't see them being nasty. Think first and double check what you read so there is no "mistake."

So, screw the nazi board they named Healthboards!!! They can kiss my ass. It should be UnHealthyboards instead of Healthboards. In 6 years I have never been kicked off of any board. I will make sure everyone on the rsd board at Healthboards gets copies of everything. Not that they need "proof" because they know me. Frankly, they're pissed off that this person did this to me. From the first day she has done nothing but make trouble. She's started numerous posts, some with the same title. In these posts she doesn't ask questions or just tell her story. She whines, she complains. All of them have this "oh poor me, pity me, feel sorry for me, wa wa wa" There are no responses to her posts because she doesn't ask anything, only whine.

In response to her saying she wanted to find a real life rsd group, I went and found all of them in her state, there were only 3. Since rsd isn't yet well known, there are very few real life support groups. This is the main reason we turn to the internet. She didn't acknowledge my post nor the info I took the time to find. Her post after mine only complained about wanting a real life group and how there just has to be one. *ahem* I don't expect to be acknowledged for every little thing I say or do, but did I not just post and tell you, these are the only 3 rsd groups in the whole state?!? Go back to look and make sure, yep, there's what I wrote. After that, I stopped trying to "help" her.

She and Healthboards can go to hell. Feel free to ignore this post if you want but I wanted to get it off my chest. Read the second post of tonight above which is happier. No complaining or whining involved. lol

Tough Day

2009-03-31T22:17:00.002-04:00

Today has been a bit tough. It came a really good downpour for about an hour this afternoon. We did need the rain because of the drought. Our drought index numbers were over 700 which is severe. Then it dropped some into the mid to high 600's which isn't much better. This happened due to a little rain we got last week. The numbers should drop more now with the way it came down in buckets today. South of us in parts of West Palm Beach and further down to Boca, it rained so hard in such a little time there was some pretty bad flooding. Streets and parking lots had several inches of water in them.....or should that be on them? Anyway, you know what I mean. I'll wait till the news tomorrow to find out what it did to the drought numbers.

I did a search using part of my article title to see where said article would come up in the rankings. I'm proud to announce my article was #14!!! I made it into the top 20 in a search engine on my first article!!!! *big grin* I am proud of myself. I love to write but with this I also want to have my articles pop up high in the rankings to get it clicked on. I don't get much from page views, but every little bit helps.

With the next 2 articles I'm about to turn in the next day or 2, I want to do even better. Stupid pain is getting in the way of my writing at the moment, but I'm still writing. I can always rewrite and revise when my mind is clearer. I always rewrite and revise anyway so it's no different except it may take me an extra day or two to get it turned in. One thing I read when I started, said how different writing for the web is to writing for print. I kept that in mind as I wrote my first one. They are most definitely right! lol Keywords, keyword density, text analysis....it's enough to make the head spin and I almost had mine do that very thing! The only way this image could have been better is for it to have actually spun around and then pulling an exorcist with pea soup.

Dang....my mind went blank. I'm this close > < to being a glassy-eyed, drooling idiot at the moment. Before my transformation is complete, I shall just wander off into the night.

Bragging

2009-03-30T21:11:00.002-04:00

I think I like this slightly lighter blue.

I waited to boast and brag upon my brilliant self. I waited to get paid first, to see actual moola in my account before letting the floodgates of bragging open. It has now happened. My very first PAID article! *big, huge smile* I am a paid writer! My first article I talked about a few posts ago was accepted with a bonus upfront payment. It feels awesomely good.

It's only the beginning and won't be anything approaching a steady income for quite some time. I took one tiny step forward, put it out there and prayed like crazy! I was all set for a rejection. I braced myself for this article to be sent back with numerous reasons why it was practically thrown in the trash bin, along with an even longer list of what needed to be fixed. I sat on the edge of my couch for over a week, waiting. If I hadn't stopped biting my nails years ago, I would have been biting them now. To have it accepted with payment and then published has sent my pride soaring among the clouds that decorate our azure blue sky.

Why, after the many reams of paper I've written over years, haven't I done this before now? It's easily summed up with one word, Fear. I have let my fear of rejection hold me back. I let fear I wasn't "good enough" keep me from trying. After all, look around the web and in real life. There are people who write much better than I do. I read A LOT. Reading anything and everything is a lifelong passion. All that my brain has soaked up over the years has left me wishing I was half as good as "everybody else." Mumbling to myself "I'll never be that good." It never mattered how many compliments others paid me on what I wrote. A part of me whispered, "It's not that good. They're only saying that because they're your friend." Until I received compliments from people who weren't my friends....yet.

I took the plunge now to build up an income we really need. Rather, I hoped to be able to make an income. I also needed to feel useful and like I am contributing to the household again. Each year I recognize a little something more in my journey of living with rsd. I realized I did let rsd take things away from me, even as my mouth spoke the words, "I haven't let rsd take anything from me or rule my life. I rule it!" The only true part of that sentence is I haven't let it rule my life. I have let rsd take my words, some of my self-worth and my self-esteem. I feel as useful as a bump on a log. I will now begin to take it all back and do something. I am worth something, I do have a lot to contribute and maybe part of the reason I was gifted with rsd is to help bring more awareness through my words. Yes, I said gifted with rsd. All things happen for a reason. I'm a believer in fate and karma.

For the few people who may actually read my blog but haven't read my article, here is the link, just in case I neglected to send it to you. Treatment Option For CRPS/RSD.

Yes I am proud and for the friends I can now count on two hands who have already read it, ignore the link. *grins* My best friend since high school recently wondered aloud on her blog who read her postings. She pointed out she's never received any comments. Being the kind of person who can't let that pass, I immediately commented on that post. *silly grin* Here's the reference in my own post I promised her I would make so she could comment back. Anyone else want to leave a comment? Just to say Hi even?

Thank you all for your patronage. Please be sure and return for the next installment of, As Karen's Life Turns and She Becomes A Real Writer.

Some Fun Things

2009-03-29T22:03:00.002-04:00

I was doing some blog surfing early this morning before I went to bed. I came across a post on one that sounded like fun. The blog was Notes From My Corner . So being slightly bored at that moment I decided to go play and get a good laugh before bed. What you do is go to google, type in (your first name) needs then see what comes up! :-) The results are pretty darn funny. I'll share them with you so you can have a laugh too.

1. Karen needs a lobotomy fund. *gasp* How did they find out?!? OMG! Great, now it's out there for the whole world to see. *hangs head in shame*

2. Karen needs help. Well I could have told you that! *snorts*

3. Karen needs Vox. Yeah, sure I do. I need it like I need another hole in my head! *mumbles to self, "I first need to find out what this is exactly*

4. Karen needs LinkedIn. *raises eyebrow* Oh really? Are you sure about that?

5. Karen needs a website. Well I guess I could use one. Does this blog count as a website? If so then maybe I don't need it so much.

6. Karen needs journals. *nods head vigorously* You bet your bippy I do! I can never have enough of them.

7. Karen needs Facebook. I don't think so. If you try and give it to me I will have to return it.

8. Karen needs a rest on Flickr. I sure do!! *phew* It's all so exhausting.

9. Karen needs to get her ass off the ground and actually do some work. *giggles* How did they know this? *looks around* I do believe there are spies lurking around my house. I'm shocked!!

10. Karen needs a man for no strings fun. *almost spits soda on computer and eyes tear as foam bubbles from my nose* OMFG!! That's it....I'm sweeping the house tomorrow and covering my windows with aluminum foil. They really are out to get me! Now another secret is exposed to the world. *sigh* I thought I was being sly.

I so love doing this I thought up other things, such as Karen loves, Karen hates, Karen is a, etc. I think I will make this a weekly thing. I'll pick a phrase and publish the first 10 results. I'll just keep going on the pages and post everything I find with each phrase. It came up with millions of results so I can do this for a loooong time. LOL

We had a rainy day today so made me hurt a bit more. That's ok though, Gil is home for the next 2 days and he will cater to me and I won't have to get up at all! I'm so lucky.

A Busy Day

2009-03-28T20:35:00.002-04:00

Messing with the blog and cleaned the house. You know you've let it go too long when your child comes downstairs and says, "Am I in the right house?" Yeah...my girl really did say that. At least it's done now! My ceiling fan is clean again and functioning at full capacity. What price is there to pay for all this ambition? It's the P word. *looks around furtively* The ultimate price for something so simple.

Connor really hate the big sucky machine, aka the vacuum. Shanni doesn't appreciate it very much but she's more than happy to stay outside while mommy fires up the stupid thing. Connor....you'd think he'd stay outside away from the noise. Noooooo, not him!! He runs into the house where the noise is coming from! *sigh* He goes tearing upstairs as if the Hounds of Hell are on his paws, sits outside my girl's door and proceeds to howl and cry. My big, brave little man. He's runs to cower under the girl's bed when our friends Liz and Ron come over. You'd never guess he would react this way watching him strut around the house normally. I'm pretty sure I can hear him say, "That's right, I'm the king! I own this place and everyone in it." HA! I can forgive him because he's so darn cute.

Ahhhhh, the sweet pinappley goodness of sherbert from Publix. Oh, did I say that out loud? *ahem*

So, what do you think of the new header and blog look? Yes, no? I got some other ones I can try. I'm getting the hang of playing around and editing the html of the code. I'm just weird that way. It relaxes me to use my gynormous brain. :-D

My big huge brain just went blank! Well.....ummmm....I guess this means I'm done. If I have something earth shattering to say later, I'll be back. If not, adios until tomorrow.

2009-03-28T16:34:00.002-04:00

Since I've gone a bit purple, I'll change the color of posts.

As you can see it's different. To the left I've added a poll so you can vote! If you choose other or multiple answers, leave a comment on this post. If you really like it, you can still leave a comment.

I'm working on a new look for the header. Eating dinner at the moment, I'll be back!!

2009-03-28T02:42:00.002-04:00

As you can see I'm playing with my blog. Yes, I know I just stated the obvious. I am still up messing with this and am way tired! It's staying as is for now. When I get up later this morning, I will finish mucking with it as it's missing some elements. The blog isn't to my liking just yet but will be tomorrow! :-) Bear with me and excuse the slight haze of dust in the air from the construction.

I can hear your groans over me not posting a "real" post tonight. I should know better than to start projects after midnight. It always leads to my staying up too late because I don't like quitting in the middle of something. I'm totally wrecking my early bedtime thing. I'm going to bed....ZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzz

2009-03-26T22:33:00.002-04:00

Today has been pretty good. The chest pain has been low and thankfully so has the rest of me! :-D I love, love, love good days. They also tend to make me a little lazy. I'm almost afraid to even move at all in case it makes me hurt more. So....just took it easy and soaked up the goodness of the whole day!!

Connor was too cute tonight. I think he saw something outside tonight after he came in. He sat looking out the sliding glass door pretty hard. Then, he's looking up at the handle and the latch which locks and unlocks it. I swear I could see the wheels in his brain spinning! He stood up a few times to paw at the handle and the latch. It wasn't locked but he thought it was. He was at it for a good 5-10 minutes before he gave up in disgust at not having opposable thumbs to get the dang door open. He's one smart kitty and is always watching what we do. I think people don't give animals enough credit in the brain department. They really are intelligent and if they had hands.....there'd be no stopping them!

I'm doing two wolves in the forest paint-by-number. I worked on it today some more. It's looking really good. There's enough done you can see the wolves now and branches on the trees. The water will take more numbers before it really shows itself. When I finish it, I'll post a pic of my masterpiece. :-)

Other than this my day was boring! So what shall I write about tonight. Let's see, something insightful. How about some things I've learned.

Patience was non existent before rsd. I have learned patience, a little. I'm still woefully short on it but hey, it's better than none!

Compassion has always been with me. Being an empath and feeling what others feel, well, it's hard to not have it. I taught my children to see each person for who they are, disability or not. To have manners and be thoughtful of people in wheelchairs or with any assistive device who may need a door held open. Having an invisible disability has taught me more compassion. I now know you can't always see when something is wrong on the outside. I realized despite my words to my children, I had judged other people. If I saw someone in a wheelchair or using a store scooter, I looked at them and thought, why do they need that? They look fine to me! Must be they're just lazy. If only I had known it was one of the many invisible disabilities that are out there, I certainly wouldn't have had thoughts like that. I've been on the receiving end of some odd and downright hostile looks from others myself. These looks I got had nothing to do with using a scooter or being in a handicapped parking space either. They came when I was in a wheelchair or using my crutches. Their look said, Why does she need that? She looks just fine to me! I admit I felt so ashamed of my past behavior. I know of so many invisible disabilities now that it boggles the mind.

What should you take from this? Don't judge ever!! One day you may be on the other side of things. With rsd, it only takes one stupid thing. Something that's happened to you a million times already, a sprained ankle, a broken bone. Suddenly you're struck down by pain so intense it makes you wish you were dead or that you could cut off an arm or leg. Or, fibro which is also so very painful, maybe spine problems. There are endless possibilities which could end life as you know it and open a new life. One you never want to have. Be mindful of everyone, pass along a smile, hold a door open for someone. A small kindness goes a long way.

Disappointed

2009-03-25T21:08:00.002-04:00

I didn't talk last night about something that happened at my pm appointment. I'm a bit angry but more disappointed. For all their "knowledge" about rsd, they can't seem to keep straight where I have rsd! She says yesterday, in both legs....and then I have to add and hips,arms,hands,shoulders,back,face. I've been going there for 3 yrs and 3 months now!!!! *rolls eyes*

When I told her what's going on with the face, the burn, heat,etc. She smiles and says, have you checked for a tooth problem? OMFG!! I don't have a tooth problem! I just got through saying I wasn't having pain like in my body but I had burning pain, the burn that comes from rsd, period end of story! When has anyone with a "tooth problem" had half of their face turn beet red and you can feel the heat coming off the skin from a distance?!?! When does a "tooth problem" produce burning deep in the cheekbone?!?!? *big sigh* I'm very, very disappointed that she would come up with some idiotic, lame excuse as that. It's not as if every time I walk in there I complain about a "new" pain or moan about anything at all. I say what my pain level is at right then, I'm doing ok, nope no problems. Get my scrips and off I go. Each visit, every 3 months for over 3 years now. This is the first time I've mentioned anything else. I've never even mentioned my on again, off again bladder thing which I know is rsd. She'd blame it on a uti. HA!! I know what they feel like. I've had way too many throughout my life and I've had it checked and they couldn't find a uti or any other problem to explain my symptoms.

I also can't have any sort of tooth problem since I don't have teeth! ROFL Whatever, I'm not one of "those" people who blame every damn thing I feel on rsd. I know what is rsd and what isn't. I hope when I go back in 3 months that my face, just the right half will be bright red and burning. Let them blame that on my "teeth" when I open wide and say look, all gone! ROFLMAO Yup.....that's what I'll do.

I believe I mentioned last night about my chest pain. I figured out what it is today. The dreaded pleurisy again. *another big sigh* Yes indeed, it's back again! Thankfully this is only the 2nd time in just over 3 years. I'm very grateful it's not in my shoulder as it was before on the left side. I can still move my arm for the most part. I can't reach or extend my upper body on either side. That results in immediate pain. I don't need any more of that! I started the clearing my throat, coughing thing that comes with pleurisy. See, I don't blame everything on rsd. :-D

Not So Fast!

2009-03-24T23:42:00.005-04:00

You're gonna hurry up and wait......and wait......and wait......etc., repeat. LOLOL That's how it went today. It seems they waited until just before I was due to come in this time to switch over to a computer format. This seems to have slowed things down a lot today. I didn't wait to long before the woman who oversees the potty room came out to get me. Yup, I had to do the pee pee test today. *sigh* I hate doing it at all, but it's a small price to pay to ensure I continue getting pain management. It's much better than being a curled up ball of blubbering, snot covered, whimpering blob on the couch! :-D

I return to the waiting room and wait. I check my watch and there's 5 minutes....10....15. They didn't pull my dang chart and forgot about me!!! I'm a little put out but my favorite person ever was back this visit. I was quick to forgive. Once I was in the room, it went quickly as usual. After all, I only go to pick up scrips. I told her about the funky things my face has done recently. I'm glad to know she isn't quick to blame rsd but there's nothing else it can be blamed on! RSD pain and burning are unmistakable. You'll never feel anything else like it in this world. We'll see if it keeps happening on a more regular basis over the next 3 months.

I just realized I didn't relate her what that "funky thing" with my face is. I shall remedy that right now. About a handful of times in the last couple of months, I've felt this burning pain in my right cheekbone. When this happens my cheekbone, the whole thing under my eye, turns a bright red. It kind of looks like someone has punched me! It last about an hour or a bit more then goes away. The last time was more intense. This was about a week ago now. The whole right side of my face, from forehead to jawbone turned red. It appeared as if half of my face had gotten sunburned. Putting a hand near my face, you could feel the heat coming off my skin on that side while the left was normal temperature. My cheekbone was a deeper red too. I didn't feel the pain I feel in the rest of my body. The stabbing, shooting type of pain. It was just the heat and burning pain. This is the last place I want rsd to go but it looks like it's going there anyway.

I've used the term burning pain a couple of times now. As with most things rsd I find it hard to explain what this means. The closest I've come to explain the burning is to relate it to something most everyone has experienced at least once. It still falls short of the intensity, but it's the best I can do.

I'm sure all who read this have been burned at least once. I know you remember the burning that lingered for hours. If it was bad enough that lingered for days. Now, multiply that times 100. Now imagine the burning never stops. You feel it not only on your skin, but inside. Not only in the muscles but in the bone marrow. You're lucky if it stops for awhile, but you know sooner rather than later, it'll be back.

You might be asking at this point, but what about the pain? How can a burn be painful? I bet asking the question caused you to have a Duh moment. :-) When you were burned you felt pain. It hurt until the burn started to heal. This is where the pain comes in. The bad part is it doesn't hurt in a small spot, it's a large area. If it doesn't let up, then it's added to the other types of pain that come with rsd. Shooting, stabbing, crushing, ripping, grinding, tearing. I'm sure there are other words I can use but they elude me at the moment. I think you get the picture. RSD pain is more intense than any other you can possibly feel. There's is a pain scale called the McGill Pain Index.

The word Causalgia is RSD. I thought putting this up might help your understanding.

Anyway.....lesson over. lol I shall be back tomorrow. I'm beginning to get tired, so I'm sure rambling isn't far behind. *grins*

2009-03-23T23:18:00.003-04:00

I'm alive!! :-D I'm getting very tired but I lived another day. I woke up without the horrific pain in my back. It has been nice to me and stayed away, allowing me to have a decent day. I have been able to smile, laugh and take a very deep breath. I was afraid it would still be there when I opened my eyes, stalking my every move.

I'm very tired tonight and not feeling very witty or funny. I have my once every 3 month doc appointment tomorrow afternoon. I hope it won't be busy. I really hope they won't be running behind like last time. I want to be in and out as usual so I can get back home to lay down again. Let you know how it goes.

Early Monday AM, Part 2

2009-03-23T01:38:00.001-04:00

Read the post below before reading this one or it will make no sense. :-) I broke it into 2 parts because everything in one post turned out to be a little on the long side.

It was after they left, thankfully, when my pain started. It is very sharp, stabbing pain in my spine beside my right shoulder. It came, as these things do, out of nowhere. I'm left to dangle on the end of a string, dancing to its tune. It beats at me relentlessly hardly letting me breathe. I am its puppet, at its mercy, while it tries to beat me down and rob me of strength. Despite the wishes of this beast, I shall emerge the victor tonight. I will never let it take anything from me. My will is like a rod of steel, my core of strength stronger. I shall be as unmoving as a mountain but also as fluid as a river.

The monster has tried and will try to win this battle. It can take more of my body, it has most of me already, but never will it claim my soul, my will, my strength. I am more than just flesh and bone. It's what separates me from this cruel, mindless thing which has inhabited my body univited. I am still the short, skinny, funny, sarcastic woman I've always been. What changed is my outlook on life. I take nothing for granted, there is so much to be grateful for every day, there are many more positive thoughts skipping through my mind than negative ones.

How can I change the world? Me, a single individual who is neither famous or rich nor one who runs a multi-million dollar company. My words and my struggle with this insiduous monster are all I have to reach out and touch others. To possibly pass on a few lessons. Lessons I've learned the hard way and a few I came to realize after the fact. There is never a right time to learn life's lessons, It's never too late to realize something you have gone through or are currently living is a life lesson. What matters is you realize it for what it is, then ask yourself what did I learn?

One lesson learned, to take nothing for granted, down to the smallest thing. Stop for a minute sometime and marvel at your ability to walk on two legs which are straight and strong. Arms that do so much for you and don't cause immense pain with each movement, hands that do multiple tasks day after day. The ability to smell, taste, see and hear. To be able to have your children hug you without causing pain. To cuddle with the love of your life and not cringe. Enjoying the breeze as it caresses your skin. Being able to turn up the music as loud as you want. Listen to the shrieks and laughter of children. The feel of clothes or sheets brushing against your skin.

One lesson among many others. Those I'll save for another time.

I sincerely hope this post makes sense. I shouldn't have written much being so tired from fighting the pain. If it rambles and sounds weird, well.......blame it on the tiredness. I really, really shouldn't be allowed near a keyboard when I'm like this. lol I big you adieu for now. *waves*

Early Monday AM, Part 1

2009-03-22T23:30:00.003-04:00

Keeping with the commitment of writing each day, I come tonight. It has been a very hard late afternoon and night.

A very good friend came over for a couple of hours. It was awesome! She has a very busy life and I've missed sitting with her and talking. I missed my goddaughter so much too. I can hardly believe she's 6 years old already!! She is truly the cutest thing ever!!! You can't help but laugh and smile when she's around. She adores our daughter. She's like a big sister for her. My girl, has always been patient with her. She was 8 1/2 when my goddaughter was born. Of course a baby held no interest for her then. She was just a squealing poop machine not worthy of attention. After all, she had more important things to do like draw, read and play video games! :-D

It changed as that squealing poop machine became a walking, drooling, babbling little human. When she was around, my poor girl never knew a moment's peace. She refused to be parted from her favorite person in the world. Never once did my awesome kid, by word or deed, show her impatience and heart felt wish to be alone. She took time to play with her, read books and play video games with her.

At 6 years old she's a whirlwind of energy. She'll exhaust you as you sit and watch her. You could say she's hyperactive. Recently her mom enrolled her in Tai Kwan Do class. It's really good for her. She has somewhere to expend all that energy and learn discipline at the same time. It has changed her behavior at home for the better. She still has some problems in class with not sitting still but that's minor because she excels in her work. For 6, her handwriting is a wonder to behold! She will get her yellow belt next weekend. She's worked hard and also her behavior at home has improved, she advances up in the ranks. I told her today if she continues to work hard in her class, she could have her black belt by the age of 10 or so like my nephew.

I Think.......

2009-03-21T22:00:00.002-04:00

I may whine a bit tonight. From yesterday's little walk I am now almost incapable of walking! My legs hurt so bad I can't use my muscles to lift my foot off the floor. I've had to break out the crutches. Standing for 1 minute sets off the wet noodle legs thing. I hate, hate, hate those crutches!! After spending 2 + months on them, I wished to never need them again. The reality of my life is that I do need them sometimes. As much as I loathe them, it's better than falling.

Now that is one thing I'll avoid at all costs. Why? The answer is simple, falling really hurts!! I guess I should clarify a little more. It hurts me a lot more than "normal" people. If a normal person trips or takes a little tumble they'll most likely get up and laugh it off. Me, the non normal one, will lay there screaming and crying in utter agony. No I am not exaggerating. I wish I were. Simply bumping my knee on something will produce the same result. In addition, I will continue to have more pain and actually feel the place that was bumped all day. It's hard to imagine one can continue to feel the corner of the table on the skin and in the bone long after the impact was done. This is one of the little joys that rsd brings.

In other news of the day......we didn't overlook Connor tonight. They both came in together as usual. :-) It is a very good day!

I have found it very hard to concentrate today because of the reasons stated above. It's not good when trying to write an article. Everything out of my fingers sounds stilted and possibly even slightly stupid! Even though I don't feel very intelligent, I'm still writing it. I know tomorrow may be a better day for me, so I'll reopen the document and do some revising and editing. Put it aside for a bit and repeat. I am very hard on myself and demand perfection. The problem with that is nothing is ever perfect! The good news is I have learned to let go of some of that attitude. It requires taking a few steps back, taking a breath and telling myself, I've done a good job. Let someone else look over the work, give me feedback and go from there. After all, I'm writing the article for other people for a variety of reasons. To inform, engage and possibly make them think.

I've taken my break, now back to it I go!

The Saga Ends

2009-03-20T20:21:00.002-04:00

The tow truck guy saga has finally ended!! He called this afternoon about 12:30 pm. He wants to get the car. I told him we had to move it last night so it wouldn't be towed. He says I can be there in 20 minutes. I tell him fine, then I notice.....the title and keys I set on my table are gone!!! OMG! Gil took them to work. I admit I got pretty angry at that point. Why the heck did he think I put them right there?!? So phone tag time. Tow truck dude is supposed to come right over just to make sure we're not scamming him. HA! He'll be here in a few minutes.

Me and my crippled self has to walk 10 minutes to get the parking lot where we deposited the car last night to avoid having it towed by the HOA this afternoon. 45 minutes later I couldn't take it anymore. The wind was really blowing today. While it feels great for "normal" people, it sends my pain spiraling up. I can no longer enjoy such a simple pleasure. The wind combined with my having to stand around and the walking was too much. I head for home cursing his sorry butt all the way. Just as I arrive at my gate, my legs decide they want to do the rumba! *sigh* Great.....I just love walking on what amount to two wet noodles. I get inside,collapse on the couch in tears and call hubby. He felt so bad because he couldn't do anything for me.

Dude finally did show up at Gil's work, got the key so he could put it on the truck, back to Gil's job to get the title and hand over the moola. It's done, over, fini! The only price left to pay is the pain from what I did for nothing today.

On to happier subjects. Connor pulled a fast one on us tonight. They always come in when it gets dark. We had thought Connor was in the daughter's room. The last time we saw him, he was in her arms being taken up to her room. I called to Shanni, Gil went out to round her up. Obviously we didn't give Connor a thought so Gil didn't see him out there. I got up to go to the bathroom about half an hour ago. As I was going back to the couch I was turned toward the screen door talking to Gil. I saw a flash of white outside. I said, "What the....??" Mr. Sneaky was in the process of slinking across the courtyard! LOL He saw me at the screen and I swear I could hear him say, "Oh crap, I'm busted!" Looking a bit guilty he immediately came inside as soon as I opened the screen. Next time we do the nightly round up we'll be sure to look closely for both of them.

I turned in my first article today. :-D The first 3 have to be reviewed before they're published. I hope it doesn't take too long. I'm rather excited to see my very first article officially published! I'm going to write another tonight. Being a good writer I let it sit then go back to re-read it looking for typos, extra words or ways to improve it. I found ways to do just that with this first one earlier today.

On that note, I'm off to do a bit of research and get the next article written!

2009-03-19T23:06:00.002-04:00

I've been telling myself to come post for a few days now and then I don't. *shrugs* I just haven't felt like I have much of anything to say. My life is boring to say the least. I think I must always be witty and funny. Yeah....I know I don't HAVE to but sometimes I don't think very rationally.

So....we're trying to sell our poor car to the guy who towed it home that day. I'm very upset with this man because when Gil informed him that the car would be towed at 1 pm tomorrow afternoon if it wasn't gone, he said he'd be over in 20 minutes to get it and give us a check. HA!! We waited and waited and waited.......Gil called him at least three times and left messages twice asking to know what is going on. At this point it's over 2 hours later. No phone call....no nothing. So, to save our car so we can get the money, Gil drove it to a parking lot behind some stores near the front gate of our development. Hopefully tomorrow the guy will actually show up to get the damn thing and give us that money!

Where we live is ruled over by the dreaded HOA! UGH!! I hate them. The car is no longer "perfect" so it's "an eyesore", and spoiling everything!! ROFLMAO What effing ever!! We live at the very back of our section. No one can even see our slightly dented car except for the freaking next door neighbor. *big sigh* They can all kiss my skinny little butt!

In other news....kitty man Connor has become very vocal. He definitely lets me know what he wants. He also seems to be getting bigger by the day. I'm half afraid to weigh him right now. lol I know he's had to have gained at least another pound or two. He'll be a year old May 4th. We shall see if he stops growing then as most "normal" house cats do or if he will continue to grow somewhat over the next couple of years as a maine coon does. I'm pretty sure Shanni has stopped growing. She'll be 3 yrs old on April 4th and has maintained a constant size and weight for a year.

Let's see, what can I blather on about. *taps finger against chin* *thinks really, really hard* *blink, blink* Ummmmm.....OMG! *notices how smoky it is in here* Crap....you'd think I'd learned by now not to think so freaking hard!! Now I've gone and smoked out the livingroom with my thinking. *cough,cough...waves at smoke*

I may have found a way to put my writing skills to good use and earn me some money! Hey...yeah you....the one snickering at me having writing skills....I do so have them! *sniffs* To prove it, I will begin publishing articles online and soon will be making at least $400 a month or more! There are no jobs out there for my worse, I mean better half, and we desperately need more income. We can't live on his one job and I can't work. Well, I can't work at a "regular" job. I don't have the money right now to fund my crafty side and made beaded jewelry,prayer beads or clay figures to sell. If I can get rolling and make enough, maybe then I'll be able to do that too. Then I'll be making money from writing and crafts! :-D That would be awesome!

Despite everything else I can type and I have a brain. It's not much but better than nothing! lolol I know it'll take awhile for me to make any decent kind of income from writing but I'm determined to make this work. It has to work! Who knows when jobs will start being out there again. Gil's job just cut everyone's hours back a bit, absolutely no overtime whatsoever.

Alright folks....guess I'm done for the night.

Why?

2009-03-12T01:47:00.002-04:00

Why does Connor sometimes sound like a little puppy yipping? Why does Connor play fetch like a dog? Why do I still even have a "that time" of the month? Why does Shanni feel the need to pin me down all night with her body when I really don't want her to? Why does she also feel the need to jump up on the couch with me and then proceed to stick her butt in my face giving me a way too up close and personal view of the One-Eyed Wonder? Why can't I ever feel just comfortable instead of being too hot or too cold? Why am I writing all these questions? Why are these things even in my head? Why? Why do I have to pee every half an hour after midnight? Why is my youngest son such a wanker? Why can't I stop typing this?

Ok.....enough of torturing you with why. :-D I'm very tired and should be asleep but nooooo, I had to come here first. Me and my silly little self who is way too tired to be allowed anywhere near a keyboard! Yet, here I am typing away. Ah well, I wanted to make an entry. I shall now go away, turn of the puter and close my eyes. After I close my eyes, I will hold my breath and become slightly tense, waiting for all 12 pounds of Queen Shannon to plop on me. I know she does it on purpose! She wants to see how much MORE mom can sweat at night while sleeping. Shanni, like most cats, puts out a good bit of heat.

Why did I just see something that looked like a big cat zoom around the corner into the kitchen? Why did my heart speed up when I looked over and saw both cats, one on the floor beside the couch and the other curled in a chair? Why is my body tingling so much and not in a good way? Why does every damn thing I feel result in feeling as if I'm being electrocuted? Why does it also result in more pain? Why am I asking questions again?

*hits self really,really hard in the head. Slaps both hands. Listens to two people in my head arguing over which one should get the pleasure of psychically calling both fur babies onto the couch to pin my upper and lower body all night. They also want to keep me up all night arguing because they know how much I LOVE listening to them argue!!!!*

The Awesomeness of Technology!

2009-03-09T22:53:00.002-04:00

Is awesomeness really a word? It didn't give me a red line so maybe it is! *grins*

Thanks to modern technology I was able to "attend" my Aunt Janice's memorial service this morning! I never knew they had live broadcast anywhere for services but I'm so very glad this one does. I couldn't have gone even if we had a car. I can't sit "normal" for more than a few minutes. It's no fun to experience the feeling of pressure and pain so intense it feels as if your legs are going to literally explode in a gory mess. *shivers*

I did find out what the "issue" was with her health. What caused her death was Pulmonary Fibrosis. I'll readily admit I had heard of it but had no clue what it was until last night. It's one of those things you wish you didn't have to know what it was about.

So, back to the service. I saw my one cousin Jimmy, my uncle and 2 of Aunt Janice and Uncle Larry's grandkids. It has been a lot of years! They're not little kids anymore. On of my cousin's son's that was there just graduated from Marine boot camp and was able to come here in time. I also was able to celebrate her life with them which was awesome! I now have an answer to a "big secret" Jimmy and Brian have kept all these years. The secret being about the footprints on the ceiling. Should I tell you? Ok....no need to yell.

They had just painted the boys room. Nice, brand spankin new, not a mark anywhere painted room. They were very inventive young men as all of our family are. We find things to amuse ourselves nicely. Uncle Larry used to make his own worms...the kind you fish with. He would keep the old bits of worms melt them all down and pour it into a mold to make a brand new one. Well, those 2 found out when you threw them against the wall they stick, then it slowly "walks" its way down the wall! Ingenious! Too bad they were so young because they, as Jimmy said today,"make toys just like that today". :-D The only problem was it left a black mark behind but that was quickly remedied by wiping the wall.

So on this day they wanted to try the ceiling. They tossed one......it stuck. They wondered what the heck were they going to do now? They tossed another, then another, until there were 10 of them stuck on the ceiling! Yup, 10 hoping that the next one would knock the other ones off. Obviously didn't work. There they stood trying to figure out how to get them things off the ceiling before mom came in. She always checked on them throughout the day knowing the trouble they could get into if left alone too long.

They were able to use the corner of their closet to "launch" themselves up enough to take a swipe at them. With both of them taking turns, they soon had all 10 of them off in no time! They were quite proud of themselves to say the least. BUT....yeah there is always a but....there was black marks up there now. There was no way to wipe them off this time. Uh-oh.....here comes mom! Looking as angelic as they possibly could, they hoped and prayed she wouldn't notice those marks on the ceiling. She's quite attentive and you can't get anything by her.

I'm a lot like my aunt in many regards. She had a great imagination. She didn't see black marks, she saw their footprints. She wanted to know how the heck did their footprints get on the ceiling? They told her they had made a pact and couldn't tell her. Being the kind of person she was, she wasn't mad at all, just very intrigued.

So, going through the years coming to present day. They had said to her at one point, that when she was on her deathbed, then they'd tell her. Not just on her deathbed, but to the point she wouldn't be able to move or get up to possibly choke them. She tried bribing their spouses and even tried bribing her grandkids to get the story. The wives didn't know, the kids had no luck worming the story from their fathers. Jimmy overheard her telling a friend the story and heard her say, "One day I'm going to be sick enough for them to tell me." Too soon the time came to keep the promise to tell her about the footprints on the ceiling. They related the tale and she was able to have the greatest laugh ever. The marks turned out to be so ordinary but in her mind all these years, the marks were quite extraordinary! Personally, I think they remained so for her until she died.

Thank you Aunt Janice for being you. Thank you for so many things you gave me through the years that you probably don't even know you gave me. I wish I had more time to say all those unsaid things. I know you're listening and will hear me, so I'll have to settle for that. In person would have been better but it wasn't meant to be. No one ever has enough time to say it all. You've left a huge hole in my heart and an even bigger hole in Uncle Larry's and my cousins and their children. I love you and miss you. I truly hope when my time comes, I can handle it with as much humor and dignity as you did. You're who I want to be when I grow up.

Daylight Savings Time Is......

2009-03-07T23:30:00.002-05:00

A bunch of crap!!!! To whom it may concern: Please,please,please hurry up and get that bill passed to get Florida out of this stupid clock changing twice a year! What are you doing?! Just hurry, pretty please!

The earth's rotation doesn't change, it doesn't stay light longer. No seriously, it doesn't. Think about it for a minute. Why would the sun stay up longer just because some puny human with no extraordinary powers says so? It doesn't!! It's just our perception that changes. The sun is still going down between 6.30 and 7 pm. The reason why it seems to stay up later is only because the clocks moved forward an hour! The seasons and movement of the earth isn't dictated by people. It's been turning round and round for billions of years, seasons and light doing what comes naturally. If you leave your clock at the time it is right now, make note of the time. The sun is going down at the same time it did last night! *sigh* I HATE having to even participate in this.....I don't even know what to call it. I have to change my clocks though because if I didn't it would definitely not make me on time to the doc in a couple of weeks. There's one thing I can't miss for any reason. My meds are my lifeline to function even a little each day. *end rant about the stupid, idiotic, brain melting time change farce*

In other news, I have over the past week, changed my sleeping habits. :-D Is that not so cool?! I am now in bed no later than 2 or 2.30 am and many nights I'm in bed around 1 or 1.30 am. It may not seem such a big deal to most people but it is for me. I was usually still up at 4 am and beyond most nights. Not getting to sleep until 5 am and sometimes even 6 am! Since I'm in bed earlier, I also wake up earlier. My body has learned to be up between 11 am and noon. That's when my alarm is set for, just in case, but I've been up on average, around 11.30 am and haven't heard my alarm going off in about a week. :-) It's nice that I've been so successful in this part of my life. One thing to understand is I never sleep straight through any night. I wake up on and off many times. I can't remember the last time I had an actual dream. It's stressful on the body but it's something I've learned to live with. It's not like I have a choice. lolol

I know.....boring entry tonight but it's all I have at the moment. Before I go, I decided to post a poem I wrote recently. Without realizing it I let rsd take my voice. There is so much to it and it's so complicated, that finding the right words is horrendously difficult. I looked in my binder and saw the lack of poems over the past 6 years. The ones I found lying around, I can count them on one hand. Like anything else, if you don't use it, you lose it. Not writing has allowed my skill to wither. I'm finding it extremely hard to put the words on paper. Anyway, Here it is and if you have a comment about it, leave on in the comments section. That's why it's there! *giggles* I, personally, like very little of what I write. It took a lot to write this one, I just hope it doesn't stink really bad. Don't say you like it just to be nice. I'm a big girl and positive criticism is healthy.

The Beast

Cries of distress and pain
are carried on the night air.
The sound rippling outward
like a pebble dropped into a pond.
Thrashing limbs and the rustle of sheets
join this symphony of the night.
Sharp teeth easily pierce tender flesh,
talons sharp as razors
stab deep into fragile bones
by a beast who has no mercy.
Its mouth opens wide,
a wave of scorching fire and searing heat,
pours over the body like molten lava.
A scream erupts from the soul,
abruptly cut off leaving an eerie silence.
Muffled sobs shatter the heart
into a million jagged pieces.
Whispered pleas for help go unanswered
as the best revels in the suffering.
Dawn begins to lighten the night sky,
its weak light filtering through the blinds.
Endless hours of a pain filled existence
are stamped upon your face.
Tears spill from swollen eyes,
the beasts name drips like acid from dry lips,
Damn you RSD!!

©2008-2009 Karen J

2009-03-06T22:43:00.003-05:00

Why is it that cats are so weird? I swear Connor isn't really a cat, he's a dog! He has some cat like behaviors. He loves tuna, he licks himself a lot, he likes to sleep, he is most definitely king of the house. His non cat behavior is he'll eat just about anything and the biggest one.....he plays fetch!!! Yes, he really does! He's developed an obsession with those red caps on coke bottles. Not the 2 liter ones but the...20 oz? Anyway, we have a ton of them all over the house now. Gil leaves one on the table and Connor stalks it, like it's prey, and next thing you know he's taken it. We throw one of those caps and off he runs. He gets it, brings it back to you, drops it at your feet then patiently waits for you to throw it again. LOL He's about the size of a small dog now at 14 lbs. He doesn't look like he weighs that much. That's a maine coon for you.

In other news, my son is still safe in Iraq and wishing he could come home sooner rather than later. He's looking forward to being an uncle for the first time. He wrote to my daughter and said he wants to "have a talk" with the soon to be daddy. LOLOL His last "talk" with her last serious boyfriend involved grilling him and then saying something about shoving a big gun in various orifices of his body if said boyfriend hurt his little sister. :-D That's my boy! The stakes are higher this time because of my grandson. When a baby is involved it matter much more. He wants to make sure daddy will be a daddy and support his child. He doesn't have to worry about that. He's still here and does everything he can for my girl, including walking to the store in the middle of the night because she's craving something. How many 19 yr old young men would do that for their pregnant girlfriend? Yeah, he's a pretty good kid. Both of them have some growing up to do still, but that will come in time.

I felt about 10 feet tall the other day. I was talking to my preg daughter on the phone. She calls me just about every day. Her boyfriend made some comment I didn't quite catch but she says "I talk to my mom and tell her everything! She's not just my mom, she's my best friend." :-D After we said bye, I sat here thinking about that and wondering how I got to this point with her. What would I say if someone asked me how am I her best friend and am I still a mom too? You always hear about women who try to be the best friend to their daughter but have no standing as a mom.

I'm not sure how to explain it. I can say that I am a mom too. If she needs to be yelled at or talked to about something, I tell her exactly what I think and don't hold back. She's a big girl. Most times that would make a daughter defensive but not her. She values my opinions and advice. She knows I love her more than anything in the world and want the best for her, always have. I don't believe in dancing around issues, not in this day and age. So I never shied away from talking about drugs,drinking and sex. It's a part of life isn't it? Most mother and daughter relationships become more distant the older they get. It's been the opposite for us, every year we've become closer. Besides the guy, I was the first one to know when she lost her virginity. LOL I knew before anyone else, including the daddy, when she got preg. I'm the first one she calls when she's upset and needs someone.

When I was a teen and thought about having a daughter, I hoped I'd have a very close relationship with her. I didn't have a mom and the one I had, well....let's say there was no way in hell I'd be like her! I'm very happy to have what I have and I also feel lucky to be who I am to her. Life really is good!

Cycle of Life

2009-03-04T23:37:00.002-05:00

On Sunday morning, about 4 am, my Aunt Janice died. For 2 days I've been thinking on what to write other than just stating she's dead. A pebble dropped into a calm pond sends ripples outward on the water. Every life that is born does this very thing. Some we notice, others noone has ever heard of except for family and friends. My Aunt was part of the latter group. She wasn't a big movie star or ceo of some company. She didn't show up on the news. It was just people who knew her that even know she once existed.

For us, she was a force of life and energy. She had 3 boys, celebrated 46 years of marriage last month and was deeply religious and a young 64. We almost shared the same birthday. I was born on the 8th of Sept and she had been born on the 9th. She hadn't always been but I remember by my mid teens she was active in her local church. From there it became such an ingrained part of her life. It seemed almost every day she was there doing one thing or another. She always made time for not only her boys, but for me as well. My sister and I had no mother, so my grandma, Aunt Judy and Aunt Janice became mothers for us. When I was around her or at her house, I was just one of her children. I have to say it felt good to know I was so loved. She loved me enough to care what I did. The biggest impact was in how she let you know she didn't like something. When I was around 11 or so, it was sign language. It was a requirement to learn. The reason is because she taught deaf children at a local school. I never knew sign language could be so loud! I think it's more effective than a raised voice any day.

She never raised her voice either. I learned from her that talking in a normal tone, even when upset, is more upsetting that screaming and yelling. Her goal was not to make you feel bad but to make you think about what you had done. The outcome was the same, you did feel bad. The feeling stemmed from the fact you knew you had let her down and disappointed her.

She was so compassionate. It didn't matter who you were or where you came from. When she entered your life you never forgot her. She had an energy that radiated from her, a warmth that pulled you in for a snuggle, you felt the loved and special. That was how she saw everyone. We were all special and talented in some way. You really wanted to find what you were good at so you could show her and bask in her praise.

We shared something noone else in the family did. When I was dx at 24-25 as being bipolar, I found out she was too. We both shared the struggles of rapid cycling. Our type of bipolar was "mild". We had highs and lows but not like would come to mind. I know most people have an image of a bipolar person as being somewhat like the Tasmanian devil on minute and some tragic gothic novel type person deep in despair the next. LOL Some out there do come close or spot on. We had the Tasmanian thing going at times but out lows were more being "normal" and realistic. I got RSD in 2003 (yes I know that rhymes lol) and around then or within a year I think, she had Fibro. We both knew the struggles of being in constant pain but still live life. I'm sure she had miserable days but like me, put on a smile and kept going.

She developed some serious lung issues and other health problems in the last year or two. This is what got her in the end. Her body was overwhelmed with problems and couldn't keep up. Only death ends a life force like hers. Hospice came into her life about 2 months ago. They kept her comfortable, well as much as they can to keep the pain at bay.

I won't forget her. I will hold so many years of memories close to me like one of my grandma's quilts. I'll also try to get those memories onto paper so they won't be forgotten or misremembered. As much as I'm able, I want my grandchildren to have those stories as part of our family tree so that she's more than just a name and a couple of dates. I'm doing the same for grandpa, grandma, my dad, his brothers, my cousins. The family back in Kentucky too. Those who I know and love who have been in my life. I look forward to being a part of her life again one day. Maybe next time she'll be my best friend or my mom. I love her deeply, she will be missed. My world is a little bit dimmer without her in it.

Very Emotional

2009-02-26T21:25:00.002-05:00

Still feeling very emotional today. When I woke up, I caught the ending of Las Vegas on TNT. How mucked up is it that the fact Danny had been recalled into service and was going back to Afghanistan and he was saying good-bye to everyone....made me cry!!! OMG! I choked back tears and turned it to USA. Don't know what it was but some young girl was totally shooting the tube from one end to the other and when she comes out the end of the curl she pumps her fist in the air with a big smile. That made me start to cry!!! I'm feeling teary remembering this stuff. I soooo need to go back to my big, bad ass, I'm so tough you don't bother me attitude. I could be tortured and still smile at you. I'm serious. I also used to be a cutter, so pain didn't phase me at all. It's how I developed a high tolerance to pain. I hope this emotional crap stops soon. I hate myself when I gets like this.

I'm posting the pics of the car that is no more so you can see. Scroll down to check them out. This posting is kind of short but still hurting a lot and can't do a lot of typing all at once.

Straight To Hell,Don't Pass Go

2009-02-25T20:55:00.002-05:00

That's how I feel right about now. Gil had to go back to work this afternoon. Just over the bridge he was in a car accident. He rear-ended a guy in a BMW. Said guy just slammed on his brakes for no damn reason, Gil hit his brakes and the wheels locked up and he slid....right into the back of the car. There's minimal damage to the other car, but our minivan is totaled. He was only going about 25mph, if that. The transmission is gone now and we don't have a couple of thousand dollars to fix it on top of the damage to the hood and front of the car. I'll post pics tomorrow. I've been too upset to think about taking pics now. We're now without a car at all, he has no way to get to and from work, I have no way to get to the doc. We have no money for whatever fines and money he may have to pay to the other guy's insurance company for damages. We have no money for a "new" car. Oh, did I mention he has no insurance? Dummy me...yeah, that just makes it all worse with no way to get insurance and that leads to why bother because we have no car to insure!!!! I'm hoping his license doesn't get suspended on top of it all.

My pain is through the roof and I'm feeling pretty damn bad tonight. I don't know what tomorrow will bring but it can't be much worse than today. I don't know what we're going to do now. We just got the money back in the bank to pay our bills on time again. We only have the money for our bills there minus the $100 for the tow truck which we have to somehow put back in to cover bills,my doc and my meds.

I don't want to cry right now so I'm going. I'll be back later.

Life is So Wonderful

2009-02-21T22:28:00.002-05:00

Just in case you missed it, the title is full of sarcasm. Lots of pain and lots of misery. I sit here now with various part of my body screaming at me. I think it would be better if they all screamed the same thing but nooooooo they all have a different voice. One says, "Burn baby burn!" Another says, "Gonna crush your muscle into dust!! HA!" One says, "I like sharp pointy objects and here's what it feels like! *evil laughter*" The other says, "How bout if I try and stretch your muscles like silly putty! hehehehe" The last says, "Gonna crush your bones into powder and use it to bulk myself up." *sigh* Yup, my body is a very busy place with too much going on some days.

Trying to keep busy by copying and pasting family headstone info and saving pics. Doesn't take much in the way of arm and hand work yet keeps my mind busy to try and block out all those pesky voices. A cold front came through a couple of days ago and another cool front is coming. This does not help me in any way but I love the nice temps it brings! :-D

My Connor is a very funny kitty! When I make them come in at dark time, he starts making these really cute sounds. It's kind of a yipping, growling sound and he runs around the house literally bouncing off the walls! LOL He's like Matrix kitty! He runs full tilt across the room, jumps into the air and bounces himself, paws first, off the corner of the wall by the diningroom. Usually right over Shanni's head. LOLOLOL She then ducks and hisses at him because she thinks he's going to land on her. She gets this funny look on her face when he literally flies over her head and keeps on going. Yup, my big man keeps me laughing. :-)

Sorry this is short, maybe tomorrow will be a better day.

2009-02-16T03:39:00.002-05:00

Arms are hurting really bad at the moment. That's why I haven't written. Hopefully once this cold front goes through it'll calm down again. A young woman, only 26 years old, died a few days ago. :-( She also had rsd and had put together a non-profit organization for rsd. It's always a blow when we lose one of our own. She's going to be missed greatly. My thoughts are with her family at this painful time. We'll keep going to educate others about rsd and carry on the fight she became a part of at such a young age. She was barely a teenager when she got rsd.